Ghost of a Podcast - How To Face My Face

In a Crisis, We Can Learn From Trauma Therapy by Eva Holland, and EMDR links.

In a Crisis, We Can Learn From Trauma Therapy by Eva Holland on the New York Times website. The article talks about E.M.D.R. I listened to a podcast episode by Rich Roll where EMDR was discussed briefly as well, apparently, it came about through the studies/practice of a therapist who would take walks with their patients, and the discussion coupled with looking around had interesting effects.

Anyway, Eva's article is about cultivating resilience in difficult times. It's an interesting thing accessing all sorts of media about wellness and mental health now that the usually neuro-typical are living through the 2020 quarantine and general garbage fire. 

How to Help Someone With Depression - a guide.

The Cut published How to Help Someone With Depression and it has some helpful, broad guidelines for someone who would like to know what it is that they can offer friends and family who are suffering. 

Quitting Sex Was The Best Thing I Ever Did For Myself by Laura Bogart.

Article by Laura Bogart, Quitting Sex Was The Best Thing I Ever Did For Myself - hit the nail on the head when it comes to being a fat heterosexual woman. 

It's terrifying and exhausting even thinking about joining a dating scene that hates fat people, especially women. And with social media, it's so easy to just get pummeled ("UR FAT KILL URSELF").

Nicole Byer and Roxane Gay on Fatphobia (and more, just a great conversation).

 Currently listening to Roxane Gay on Nicole Byer's podcast.

Oh boy this is a juicy one. Author Roxane Gay (Bad Feminist, Hunger) joins Nicole to discuss their experiences with institutional racism, dealing with fatphobia in interviews, and how she treated school like a videogame. Then, Roxane shares the story behind eloping, how quarantine is testing the strength of relationships everywhere, and how her wife woo'd her through podcasting.

"How To Lose 155 Pounds Happily."

I have been thinking a lot about my body, and my weight, and my necessary weigh-loss (for longevity and not dying before my father did).

Currently listening to How To Lose 155 Pounds Happily from How to! With Charles Duhigg.

Ashley thought by now she’d be on top of the world. Once severely overweight, Ashley lost 155 pounds and recently ran her first half-marathon. But when she looks in the mirror all she sees are the imperfections. In this episode of How To!, we bring in Brittany O’Neill, the real-life inspiration for the hit movie Brittany Runs a Marathon. Having undergone a major transformation herself, Brittany knows what it’s like to feel unhappy after you’ve crossed the finish line. Constant self-improvement doesn’t necessarily lead to self-acceptance, Brittany says. Instead, learn to view yourself through your loved ones’ eyes—even say their praises aloud—and soon, you’ll see what they see.

I mean, the podcast showcases a lot of my fears. There's this feeling that I already ruined my body, and there's not much to do about it. There's the pre-exhaustion of knowing how much work it is - I know how hard I worked to weigh 150 pounds - it was an eating disorder and daily exercise. 

It's also just emotional to hear something I already know, which is that the weight loss doesn't somehow placate existentialism, or living in a misogynist world. It won't make me love myself, or my body. 

It just will address certain aspects of my health, and the reality of having to live in a fatphobic world. 

I'll always be a "big girl."

Another day.

It's July 6th 2020. Tomorrow, I will be seeing K and her baby for the first time since she left for Victorica before Christmas 2019. She'll be one of the first friends I see since quarantine began in March. I've seen J for short spurts outside, but nothing lengthy or substantial. 

It will be good to see her and little A, who is about 6 months now I believe. Last time I saw him he was about a week old, and I laid on her couch with him on my chest while she ran some errands. He was warm and soft. And having him on my chest was very soothing. 

Tomorrow is also the first say that the local second-hand store opens. It's been difficult getting by without it since I try and buy most home goods second-hand. K needs to furnish her new apartment, as well as cloth the baby, so hopefully, the line up won't be too crazy. I expect it to be though. 

I had taken Mondays off for all of June, os this week is the first week where I go back to a full five day a week workweek. It's hard. At least I am not too busy at work these days, so I can breathe and walk the dog and puts around a little bit. End of year was pretty brutal, so I appreciate the slower pace.

I feel as if I am getting dumber. I haven't read a book in months. I have trouble committing to television and movies let alone anything more complex. I am trying to make a point of writing more often, but I am still in the stages of forced automation and not anything beyond that.

When I lay in bed at night, I feel as if I could write so much. I have these thoughts I always feel could be stretched out into something poignant, but maybe that's just the lucidity of incoming unconsciousness. 

The tedium of every day is something I need to plan for. I started setting my alarm in the morning again. For the last few months, I have been letting myself sleep in, but I can feel my days getting shorter and going back to work will get difficult if I just give up completely on acting like a functioning human. 

I am now on the last of my Effexor,  I am pushing it to one 37.5 mg pill every 4 days. I guess I will eventually go to 5 and maybe cut from there... Not too sure. 

It's difficult to say if I feel more depressed. I just feel depressed - but differently. I don't feel as clouded. I don't know what the major differences in me or in my demeanor are. It's difficult to really assess. I started weaning off right before the pandemic hit - and then I was quarantined and isolated - so those who would usually be in a position to comment on my mood are all at home, texting me. 

It's also been an especially stressful and depressing couple of months. I've been on social media a lot, following Black Lives Matter protests and the resulting increased police brutality and overall fuckery of Karen's and Trevor's and those who refuse to wear masks and those who like calling the cops on black people in public spaces. American politics as a whole has been a garbage fire for years now, but every day is a fresh hell. And Canada isn't perfect. Things happen here. There's always something.

Apparently, it takes me a lot of time to process things because this isn't new. It's been 4 months. I guess now the dust is starting to settle and I'm beginning to accept that the new normal is going to be working from home.

I have to think about what I want my days to look like, long term. Not just in survival mode.