Getting bodied.

This is not just a reason to post a Beyoncé video.




... though you should watch this immediately because Beyoncé­.

What does my body actually look like? by Amy Stephenson is really well written. There's a lot of it I recognize myself in. It's just a great snippet of what it's like to think about your body all the time.

Never the "Pretty Girl" by Carlyn Hill kind of hit the nail on the head for a lot of us, I think. There are pretty girls, and then there's everyone else. It's just a different life experience. Cue the Ani DiFranco song.

‘I Felt Both And Neither’: Reflections On The Gender Binary by Naseem Jamnia is another great piece to end this triptych. Gender representation has always been a weird one for me personally, as has sexuality, the way I'm read is not how I would identify, and the way I identify does not mesh well (I feel) with my sexuality.

Bodies and identity are on a spectrum. And the looser we allow those definitions to be, the happier we'll all be (I think, I mean I don't know a ton about happiness, lol). 

Be nice to the baby.

Two nights ago I had a session with Ranjana. It was a good session, in that we had a good report and the conversation flowed well.

We touched on a lot of issues. First, she had asked me to practice looking at myself in the mirror naked and thinking about what I appreciate about my physical shape. What I find beautiful.

I find this very difficult. I can compliment myself, but rarely physically. And never when I can see the fullness of my body.

She asked that for the next couple of weeks, I try and talk to myself, as if I were a child. Picture myself, as a baby, or as a toddler, and what would I say to myself then? What would my tone be? How kind would I be?

I explained that I still find this difficult, because me as a baby would be described as cute, and I'd want to reinforce intelligence and be kind.

The body I struggle with today, is how it's perceived as a female, sexual being. If anything I do see myself as a baby now. I'm like a large, fat toddler. I'm cute. I'm asexual. I'm funny.

I have a lot of trouble seeing myself as a woman. As feminine. As wanted. Not that I overly relate with these terms. But I would say my gender presentation is female. And I'm primarily attracted to masculine presentation / energy. Dudes. Dicks.

What I see, is a body I've destroyed through disordered eating and self-loathing. I don't see how anybody could be attracted to it, or me.

I have a lot of work to do, and it just all seems to unfathomable to me.

Friending your body.

Source.

Kevin Bolk's "Everybody is beautiful."

I often look at mainstream representation of "other" beauty and though it's nice to see a little variation in representation, it's often such a small, incremental deviance from the norm.

This illustration represents that perfectly. I think of Addition Elle using Ashley Graham as their main model. Ashley is curvier, and is considered "plus-size." She is one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Gloriously beautiful. She still fits comfortably in a paradigm of beauty.

Beauty is the ultimate privilege. It can grant you access to places you'd never be privy to otherwise.

I think of Tess Holiday, who is a size 22 and is obese by medical standards (as am I). I can only imagine the negativity and trolling she gets. But, she seems happy and takes care of herself, and is achieving a lot of success. She is one of a very limited group that represent non-traditional beauty.

When you see POC on the runways, they often fit the fashion standard of being extremely lanky and thin. It isn't a representation of different heights and body shapes, it's still majorly one body shape. Most high-fashion stores still sell one-size clothing only.

I'm just kind of feeling like a dumpster goblin today. . . No matter what, I'm always reminded of my body and what it doesn't look like anymore. I'm not sure how to move forward and start taking care of myself again.

Kevin Bolk is the illustrator of the above piece. Check out his work.

Dreading the number.

These days I've not been feeling great.
Trying to stay positive. I don't plan on weighing myself, but I thought this gif was nice.
Gif by Juulbirdx but her blog seems down.Via.

Working on body positivity.

In yesterday's session with Ranjana, she tasked me with body positivity homework. She'd like me to take the time to look at myself in the mirror and say kind things about my body, and about my face. She said that when I lie down in bed at night, I should think about my body, how it feels and what I like about it, and also what I want.

Often going to bed at night is when I feel loneliest. I miss affection. I miss being liked be someone. I miss being someone's favourite person. It's just so sweet.

So, body positivity is my homework. It's going to be difficult. I have a lot of negative associations to my weight gain. I also feel like I "fucked up" my body, which I have in a lot of ways.

But I am lonely, and the way I feel about myself is a big part of my isolation and inability to engage anyone romantically, so I have to try.

A big problem for me, is that when I get depressed I completely internalize and detach from my life, and my body. Hopefully working on appreciating my body and practising being grounded in it will help me take better care of it and myself.

I don't mind being round. I've always been curvy. I'll be shaped like an hour-glass no matter what. I do not want to be so overweight that it limits my ability to socialize though. Being fat means "being fat" everywhere. Fat on an air plane. Fat on a bus. Fat going up several flights of stairs. Fat trying to sit in a weird stool. Fat in tiny movie seats. Fat at the theatre. It's in these spaces that I am conscious of whether or not I literally fit in.

It's also a question of being comfortable in movement. I want to be able to take exercise classes in order to help myself stay healthy. I want to be able to move with relative ease.

It's hard. I'm not saying all sorts of bodies aren't beautiful. They are. But my own body has seen such little positive reinforcement, it's a habit that might not feel genuine at first.

How can I expect anyone to be attracted to me, if I can't see it myself?

I guess ultimately this is the goal:

Illustration by MooseKleenex.

Also, this one made me laugh:

Beautiful illustration by Lorhs.

Just beautiful. Check out Lorhs. She's on Tumblr.  I love love love this piece. I even e-mailed her to see if I can purchase it as a print.

Beautiful tattooed bodies, by Moose Kleenex.

This was a nice surprise. By Moose Kleenex, who also has a shop on Etsy.

loving the body: a theoretical triptych.

Go check out loving the body: a theoretical triptych by Andrea Zanin.

Tip of the hat to my friend J, who lives with chronic pain and mentioned the post to me.

Andrea talks about self-love and ways of thinking about our bodies. I have a lot of work to do on that front. Self-hatred is a really confusing, deeply seated kind of bitch. I try and counter my negative thoughts, but self-hatred coupled with depression make a positive tone difficult to find, cultivate and encourage. It's baby steps for me.

Andrea's piece comes from a space that clearly struggles with loving her body, but is obviously well versed in the language and promotion of self-love. It's a nice read. Check it out.