What's Your Ailment with Maria Bamford.

I haven't had a chance to watch this yet, but I adore Maria Bamford.

Check out her talk show, What's Your Ailment?

Comedian Pete Holmes on depression and negative emotion.

Sarah Silverman and Pete Holmes.

Great interview/conversation between between Sarah Silverman and Pete Holmes on You Made It Weird (one of my favourite podcasts).

Silverman discusses her recent hospital scare, and her mourning for the deaths of three people close to her (Harris Wittels, Garry Shandling and her mother). They talk about life, religion and some pretty existential stuff.

Sarah has also been open about her living with depression and needing medication to function.

From this podcast:

Depression - there's a certain aspect of it that's self-obsession. As soon as you decide to focus away from yourself and have empathy and understanding of others, that's when it can go away. It's not a selfless endeavor, it's self-obsessed. Sometimes I forget that others exist. If I can throw myself into others ... you don't become as obsessed with your downward spiral.

Myu desire to get me "outside of myself" is part of why I started volunteering with the dog shelter and the prisoner correspondence project. I needed to get the fuck out of my head, and feel useful. In my case, it has helped.

Depression is ironic in that way, that you're so overly sensitive and feeling of everything, but at the same time, all of that attention is so internalized that you end up being self-obsessed.

Don't ever call a depressed person self-obsessed though - it doesn't come from a place of self-congratulation. It's more about being unable to look away from what you think is an oncoming train wreck you'll be the victim of but you're also responsible for.

Who March the World? Girls. | Full Frontal with Samantha Bee

The song...

♥

The Hilarious World of Depression.

Currently listening to The Hilarious World of Depression, hosted by John Moe, I'm at the Andy Richter episode.

I listened to Richter's episode of You Made it Weird with Pete Holmes, and he mentioned his depression and his being medicated.

Richter talks about creativity, comedy and depression, as well as whether or not there's a higher representation of mental illness in creative fields.

Richter is also open about therapy, his neurosis, and his childhood. He refers to his depression as "a constant," and thinks of it as something you "manage."

He advocates therapy and for persistence in accessing care.

Great conversation. Highly recommended. I'll no doubt listen to more of the episodes when I can.

I love Andy Richter. I also love his wife Sarah Thyre. I listen to her podcast, Crybabies. I'm jealous that they're married to each other, but only barely. I'm mainly happy for them.

What Comedy Taught Me About My Mental Illness.

Just read What Comedy Taught Me About My Mental Illness by Kate Lindstedt.

I've been thinking a lot about self-representation through creative forms, through writing, and through my Etsy store. I've also been thinking about my ability to write, and my ability to be honest. 

Lindstedt's piece vaguely discusses how stand-up has helped her in controlling her narrative, and in being able to reflect and the absurdity of certain situations in an open way. 

It isn't easy in general, but there's something about comedy that has a way of defusing so much. If you're successful that is.

I made a joke in the kitchen at work yesterday about traumatizing one of my front teeth in high school, which then killed the nerves, resulting in the need for a root canal 15 years later. 

I was telling the story in French, and I said something along the lines of, "At the time I thought it was funny. I got a field hockey ball in the mouth, and my front tooth was wiggling around. I laughed *huh huh huh* (Seth Rogen chuckle) and played with it constantly. I was such a dumb idiot I didn't realize it wasn't the greatest thing to be able to wiggle your permanent adult teeth that way."

The thing is, I told this story in French, so instead of a ridiculous double-insult like "dumb idiot" I said something more serious, which would translate to "dumb bitch." The tone was off.

One of my colleagues got really serious and said, "Man you are hard on yourself."

So, first, duh, guy. 

But then I also wanted to explain how I failed the joke - but I couldn't be bothered. 

All of this is to say that I can be hard on myself in a way that's also ridiculous and overly-absurd, because life is ridiculous and absurd and that's also part of my coping strategy / survival method. 

I've thought about stand-up. Where the art loses me is having to perform for people. lol. It's like, meh, I don't need you to think I'm funny. I'm pretty funny. Thus writing and other types of creative work that are more self-motivated and curated are what I'm exploring. I also don't have the energy for the grind of it. The open-mics, the traveling, the hustle. I'm too busted right now.

Shrill by Lindy West. (Part 2)

I should have taken the time to sit down and write about Shrill properly when it was fresh in my mind. Instead, I did other things.

If you haven’t read the Part 1 of my review, please do.

She says a lot of poignant things throughout the book:

Women matter. Women are half of us. When you raise every woman to believe that we are insignificant, that we are broken, that we are sick, that the only cure is starvation and restraint and smallness; when you pit women against one another, keep us shackled by shame and hunger, obsessing over our flaws rather than our power and potential; when you leverage all of that to sap our money and our time - that moves the rudder of the word. It steers humanity toward conservatism and walls and the narrow interests of men, and it keeps us adrift in waters where women's safety and humanity are secondary to men’s pleasure and convenience. (Page 19)

The book is great, but the part that really jived with me was her experiences with comedy and stand-up and feeling “othered” by it - feeling outward hostility. Stand-up and comedy has really helped me through some dark times, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t also had a lot of shitty experiences with it.

I feel like when I was in my teens and early 20's it was very much about being a girl that could hang. Amy Schumer had a great bit about this on her show. It's about being "cool" with the dick jokes and the sexist stuff because their sexism or objectifying you isn't the problem, your just a girl that "can't hang" with the dudes.

I remember the first time I saw stand-up that really dug at my guts. I’d always watched sitcoms and SNL, but it was the George Carlin bit on “stuff” that blew my mind. I was both laughing and thinking “man that’s so true,” while also feeling deeply existential. I was about 11 or 12 at the time, I remember it vividly.

But it’s hard to love stand-up when you’re a girl. I was the chubby girl. The girl who talks back. The girl who takes charge. I was bossy. The feminist. Then I was “the fat girl,” the “we gotta go girl” the shrew who cock-blocks. I have been all those women. The douche-bro telling the joke is not telling that joke for me, he’s talking about me. About women I'm friends with. About amazing women. I'm the chum. He isn’t talking about drunk-culture or bro problems, he’s ripping up the girls who don’t wanna sleep with him, and think he’s a joke (already). Fuck the girls who see that. Fuck women, he's saying.

It's not just being the butt of the joke, it's the anger with which this jokes are told. The really deep-seated disdain for these women.

The racist stand-up, whose jokes you don't laugh at and who then calls you out - how aggressive and misogynistic some spaces are, Lindy spoke to all of that.

And though there have definitely been nods to it from other comics, a lot of the women whose work I like are also deeply part of the culture, and have had to be the "women who can hang" in order to even be let into the space.

We're seeing some of this come to light now, through veiled stories about prominent comics being "known creeps." I'm sure there's a shit-storm of stories out there, I can't imagine.

In West's case, she’s a writer who frequents those circles, she’s friends with Hari Kondabolu (who is great, and whose new podcast is great) and she’s worked with known editors and personalities. She’s in the zeitgeist. She’s of it.

In my case, I’m just someone who appreciates the work.Could I be a comedy writer? Maybe, if I had more ambition and less crippling depression / bad life skills. Maybe I'm only a comedian for myself. I'm okay with that. But I feel tied to comedians. The process, the insight, the instinct.

I still take it personally. I still see creative spaces and comedy spaces as mine. I could be there. I do haunt them, through astral projection.

There has been a shift though. It’s been nice, being able to watch the TV shows centred around feminist (openly!), female comedians, (Inside Amy Schumer, Broad City, The Mindy Project) watch great stand-up (Again, Schumer, Sarah Silverman, Tig Notaro, Ali Wong, Chelsea Peretti) and see all of this represented in popular culture.

Tig Notaro has a show coming out (One Mississippi) as does Cameron Espisito (Take My Wife) and both shows, feature lesbian comedians and their relationships! If you know anything about television you know lesbians usually don't do so well (Tara on Buffy, Lexa on The 100, see more here) so having not one but two shows have lesbian main characters in actual relationships is a big step.

That’s not even mentioning Maria Bamford, who represents both mental illness and stand-up comedy, and just a general level of genius and originality I can barely really grasp.

SNL’s cast right now is female dominant, with Kate McKinnon, Aidy Bryant, Cecily Strong and Vanessa Bayer being my everything. I try and watch anything Paula Pell does.

I like being able to buy tickets to Jenny Slate’s Obvious Child (a comedy about stand-up and abortion!) and see Ghostbusters feature my favourite female comedians while also supporting a film that makes men’s rights activists shit/cry. Spy was brilliant. Melissa McCarthy is fantastic and game. She’s a fat, hilarious woman and I love that I can support her and her work. I can see Bridesmaids. I can see Trainwreck. I can see movies written by and starring people I like and can actually relate to. 

But that's only lately. Some of my favourite comedians have had shitty opinions or been rumoured to be fucking assholes and I can no longer enjoy their work. Sex crimes happen. Assault happens. So yes, when West discusses the way stand-up comedy has also hurt her, I get it.

The misogyny and trolling she faces is incomprehensible to me. The insanely personal attacks she’s had to endure is just batshit insane. BAT. SHIT. INSANE.

The vitriol she must get - and that she faces with charm, grace and (gasp) humour is just inspiring.

She’s got backbone. And talent. And I know it must get overwhelming and I hope she’s well surrounded and really hopes she gets good things and kind things to counteract the crap things.

Lindy West,

Thank you for Shrill.

Lady Dynamite.

I have been looking forward to Maria Bamford's Lady Dynamite for a good long while.

I'd heard through stand-ups and comedians on Twitter that she was working on a television show for Netflix and knowing it would deal with her life, and her living with mental illness got me all riled up.



If you're not familar with Bamford, I wrote about her a few times here, so click on the label of her name for more on her.

The Atlantic has a review up. Hopefully I can carve out some time this weekend and watch it.

Netflix has been big on my list this past year, with The Fall, Jessica Jones and Kimmy Schmidt, it's a feminist scream fest: stellar female-driven comedy and complex, well-written female drama leads.Whodafuckingthunkit.

Mindy Kaling + Nick Kroll.

Just about to finish up Mindy Kaling's Why Not Me? - and one of her last chapters makes mention of how many people in her life live with depression:

I should start off by saying that I am one of the only television writers I know who is not depressed ... I'm just bringing it up because depression is something that I've come to accept from my creative community and I realize that's probably alien to most people. I don't know why the funniest people I know are also depressed ... It's sad that so many of my friends suffer this way.

Depression in creative, and depression in comedy writers are themes I encounter a lot. I had seen a Buzzfeed article on Nick Kroll ages ago, and I kept the link to eventually mention it here.

As we start our gradual shuffle down from the observatory, I ask whether someone who hadn’t grown up struggling — for money, for comfort, for success — could succeed in the comedy world. He turns suddenly serious: “I mean, look, we all suffer in our own way; like,life is miserable. And I’m not, ‘Oh, I’m a stand-up who’s sad,’ but the reality is that just about everyone is quietly unhappy. I don’t think that pertains to comedians specifically. I think most people look at themselves in the mirror and are not happy with what they see.”

 I have a few archived sources I want to eventually get to on this subject, but it'll take some time on my part, since I want to watch a few segments and read a few articles. This is a reoccurring phenomena that I see in my life, that I experience personally, and that seems mirrored in the comedy community I value and "follow."

In the case of Kroll, he posits that general unhappiness is universal. Life is hard. But there's something about the development of humour and wit as a reaction to hardship or pain that I think is real. Part of accepting life as miserable involves also seeing part of it that are innately nonsensical and absurd. That recognition, when diluted with humour, is tangibly more palpable.

Please Like Me.

Look, I love Please Like Me. It's an Australian narrative/comedy written by and starring Josh Thomas, and it's brilliant.

It's quick, cleaver, sweet and occasionally absurd and dark as fuck. It's my life. The fact that much of the show also deals with mental illness in a super open way is just the icing on top of a delicious television cake.

I just relate to it so much. Sometimes really dark things happen, and then sometimes you dress up your dog and make a music video.

This exchange takes place in a psychiatric hospital:

I love the humour, I love the credits and the visuals. I just love it. I love it I love it I love it.

The first two seasons just played on CBC here in Canada, and seem to be playing on ABC in the US.

I don't know much about Josh, he hasn't done a ton of press here. It goes without saying (as I say it) that I want to be friends with him. He seems great.

I know the show has been compared to Louis and Girls, which I think is fair, though Please Like Me is sweeter and funnier, but there is an often darker/grittier undertone, just subtler. Louis and Girls can have very dark episodes, but Please Like Me can talk about something pretty serious or dark through a lens that's still pretty ambivalent and sarcastic. 

I can't recommend it enough. It's currently streaming on the CBC website, and I think you can get it online in the US and in Australia. Check it out.

A lot of the above gifs are from the Please Like Me official Tumblr.

Ask Me About my New God.

Currently listening to Maria Bamford's Ask Me About my New God.

It's so, frigan, excellent.

Just brilliant.

Here is is on Spotify. 

Comedians remember Robin Williams.

Kristen Becker has a post on Robin Williams, depression and suicide up today. I'm not familiar with Becker or her work, but Robin Williams' suicide kicked me in the stomach last year. Backer's piece is about her own personal experiences, and is critical of the way mental illness is down-played and ignored:

Let me be clear. What was happening to me at the time was something I DIDN’T BELIEVE IN. Yet, it continued. I was in no place financially to run off and heal my brain. Few of us ever are. Rarely can one call into work “crazy” and check out for a month and let the swelling go down.

Becker is especially critical of those who describe suicide as a choice and negate what it is to suffer from depression. Basically she cites authors who are neuro-typically privileged and have shitty opinions. She's generous to these people though, as shown in her title, You might not get it and I hope you never do. RIP Robin Williams.

There will be a few posts about him today, since it's the anniversary of his death. Bobcat Goldthwait did an interview about him, it's sweet, and sad.



Some highlights:

We all have depression, that's why my friend passed away. He was frustrated. He was trying to memorize dialogue... this was attacking his brain. I will say that I did witness him ... the depression thing, that wasn't a factor... I think comics in general are dark. I don't see him as suicidal. I think what happened was a result of the dementia he suffered from.

Goldthwait downplays the role depression played, saying he and Williams joked about suicide for over 30 years, and that the dementia was the tipping point.

I think what really punched me in the gut about Williams was how close to home it hit. I know he lived with depression, he often talked about it and about suicide. He could go pretty dark with his comedy. And when he killed himself, I felt it right in my gut. It was losing one of my own. One of my kind. A kindred sufferer.

Williams also looked so warm and loving. He smiled with his eyes. He had hairy arms. You wanted to hug him. Just writing that reminds me of that piece of him with Koko. 

It’s unfortunate that it takes the suicide of someone beloved to understand how depression and suicidal ideology work. We can seem perfectly functional, happy, and want for nothing, but still be in pain. Imagine when that pain is compounded by lack of access to help, to financial dread and to an inability to take the time to take care of yourself.

I didn’t know Robin Williams. To me, he’ll always be the genie from Aladdin and  Mrs. Doubtfire. The role that spoke to me the most, of course was his role in Good Will Hunting. That’s the way I remember him. Smiling with his eyes.  

Tig.

The Neflix Tig documentary is fantastic. I watched it last night and laughed and cried. Then laughed, then cried again.

If you're not familiar with Tig Notaro, she's a very very dry comic who works  in the obvious and the uncomfortable and she's so so calm and confident in her stand-up. She's just fantastic.

I've had the pleasure of seeing her live when she came to Montreal for the Just For Laughs festival, her show was small, personal, and the energy in the room was palpable and giddy. I watch her stuff any chance I get.

The stand-up set the film references, Live, is indeed absolutely brilliant. I listened to it days after it happened, since the comedians I follow on Twitter were raving about it. Sometimes honesty about the brutality of life just speaks to people so so deeply. And this did.

I think the world of her, she's brilliant. I recommend the documentary, and I recommend her special, Live.

Short film: The Fleeting Little Life of Peter Wright.

Found my way to this short-film. I'm not crazy about the post that lead me to it, the post is glib and the post is filed to "cute."

It's about suicide, you ass.

The film is well done, but be warned it's a comedy. A British comedy, so it's dry and blunt. I love English comedy, Spaced is an all-time favourite, as is Ricky Gervais.

I thought the dialogue was good, and it's sweet enough, I'm just not in a place right now where I find suicidal ideation that funny. Even though I can see the humour in the conversation, I don't quite find it funny because I can't help but identify with the protagonist.

He never really mentions why he wants to end his life, but I guess that was't the goal here. I think it's meant to really say, out loud, all the questions and possibilities that a depressed brain often shuts out.

In cognitive behavioural therapy, they often work on our use of "always" thinking, "I'm always depressed, and will always be this sad," so you're able to move towards "I'm sad right now, but that doesn't mean forever. It's just a bad day."

So, it's like a humorous representation of CBT, as played out through a conversation with a friend. See things differently, re-frame your life. Stuff like that.

The film is by Tim Hautekiet, and it's part of the Sploid Short Film Festival.

When I can't take a compliment...

I have trouble taking compliments. I feel like they're just little kind lies. This pertains mainly to my body or things that are gendered. This clearly has a lot to do with my self-esteem. Anywho, I saw this and it made me laugh.

Original source.

"Comic writers – tend to be desperately unhappy."

There’s an old stereotype that comedians – and perhaps comic writers – tend to be desperately unhappy, depressive or deeply unhappy. Does this match your experience with the folks you knew there?

Not just there. I know a great many people who do comedy for a living. And it’s kind of common. Comedy seems to spring from the desire of the underdog to rewrite reality. In a comedy scenario, some measure of justice is finally achieved when the poor beleaguered antihero finally whines his way into a little power. It’s a much nicer way to deal with feeling furious and helpless and disenfranchised than to pick up a gun. Maybe someday gene-splicing will allow us to give violent psychopaths the ability to create comedy instead.

Excerpt from an interview with Letterman head writer Merrill Markoe over on Salon. This is a reoccurring comment in a lot of the reading I've done on depression, and it's in a lot of the back-story of a lot of comics, so this will come up again, no doubt. I have a lot on the topic of comedians and depression but I haven't had the time to sort through it. Soon!

Moody Monday can cure depression.

"Cheer up", I say, curing someone of depression.
— moody monday (@mdob11) March 8, 2015

Nice Tweet, Nice Hippo.

Not sure why everyone is on antidepressants, the only thing this life asks of us is doing things we don't want to do every day forever
— Nice Hippo (@NicestHippo) April 1, 2015

I just solved all of my problems.

Originally posted on Craigslist:

Hello,

Are you one of those super rich people that apparently exist in real life?

I'm a working-class person looking for someone rich who'd like to give me some money so I can take a sabbatical and work on my art and writing (as well as mental and physical health, I'm mega-depressed).

What do you get out of it?

Well, in theory you're rich as shit - so what's money to you?

To me, a poor asshole, it's all I worry about.

Thanks,
Kristin.

Harris Wittels.

Another comedian has lost his life to darker parts of himself.

I know Harris Wittels as a writer on Parks & Recreation. He was a regular one-liner in public town meetings on the show, and played Harris the Pawnee civil servant.

Harris died last night of an apparent overdose, at the age of 30. The guy was clearly a wunderkind if he's only 30 but already has Parks & Rec, Eastbound & Down and The Sarah Silverman Program on his resume.

The comedians I follow on Twitter all have nothing but praise for his sweet, funny nature. I don't have any original insight to his death. I just wanted to take the time to write his name because I just feel a lot about this.

I feel for his friends.

I feel for him. I can easily insert myself into last nights denouement.

These comedians, we funny people... With so much insight, such sensitivity and hyper-awareness, it is a gift and a curse. The curse comes first and the humour comes after. It's a way in which to unmask and undress the horror we feel from being alive.

Rest in peace Harris. I'm so sorry.