It's a bad time for me.

Well, fuck me! It's been a rough week.

First, let me share this excerpt from a social media post on Friday evening that'll really help set the tone:

I’ve had a terrible last 48 hours. I’m not feeling that much better, but I thought I’d reach out to those struggling and just say I’m sorry we’re all on this shitty boat together. 

An ongoing sore spot for me is my ability to take care of myself financially. If I let myself focus too intensely on losing an income and my ability to find and keep stable work - I have a panic attack. A bad week at work triggers many things in me. These days though it’s just deep dread and self-loathing. It’s shame and it’s guilt and it’s a weight in my chest. I’m still alive, and I know that’s something, but these days it’s painful. I feel limited and broken and incapable of functioning. I’m not the architect of depression, nothing I feel is original, but I feel so firmly inhabited by it. Usually haunted but these days possessed. 

It is such an awful thing. It’s very nature made to make you feel weak, whiny and spoiled for even naming it. What a luxury to have such a convenient, invisible disease. One that robs you of ambition. One that keeps your decisions safe and your hopes for yourself soft and low. I’m sure it’s the depression, and the exhaustion that marries it that keeps you in a lacklustre suit and not your utter lack of discipline or work ethic. And when you try, and things get bad again you’ll remember why you try and keep your life small. You’ll be reminded by everything in your life. Because everything you love and celebrate on a good day screams your incompetence back at you on a bad one. They’re all things you need to take care of - but can’t. 

Your dog thinks you’re a downer. Your life is too big, you can’t take care of it. This space you occupy is filled with things you now want to sell - to save yourself from becoming the wretch you feel you’re destined to become. 

This is only some of it. Last night was worse. My heart is racing and my mind with it. I am so sick of this invisible disease and I’m furious and uncontrollably discouraged about living where any and all care I could possibly access takes money, leisure time and a tremendous amount of energy. 

I hope pain is a limited resource and when mine is great it’s lessened for somebody else.

Things aren't going well with my new job. Initially, I thought it was friction with my manager that would pass, but it turns out I was incredibly naive about that. My manager's boss met with me this week in a meeting I'm still unclear on. She said they were wondering if they should re-sign my contract when it terminates, or if they should even fulfill my current contract, because of a list of points.

The main point being I had a huge problem with my manager and sick-days. I had 5-day a week medical treatments at a hospital, and it meant going over my allotted sick-day credits. I took some in vacation time, and it just caused a huge problem.

Then there's an appointment I took my mother to, that was in my name, not hers, that I marked as a family day, and should not have. Having apologized for the misunderstanding (my misunderstanding of what constituted a family day) the issue was constantly brought back up as if I was attempting some kind of serious fraud. Which I don't get. My manager was so aggressive and odd about the whole thing when I asked questions because I didn't understand it was like she was trying to trap me in a lie. It was so hostile.

She then went on about second chances and her experiences in the department, and if I had anything to say, but all I did was cry. She told me I could feel safe and tell my side of things but I couldn't. I told her I felt it was more than professional (my manager does not like me) and that I was upset because she was telling me I might lose my job.

There are a lot of examples of my manager not liking me, and why I have the feeling it's personal. I even spoke to someone in HR about it months ago. I've spoken to colleagues about it, and they've noticed it as well. If we all went out to lunch together and came back 15 minutes late, I would be the only one who would get an e-mail about it. Once, while "standing guard" at a door, she saw me on my work cell phone and told me to put my personal cell phone away. I corrected her, and said it was my work phone, and she got irritated and snapped that it didn't look good and started getting mad at me so I stopped trying to talk to her about it, even though my colleague openly admitted to being on his personal phone the entire time, and got no comments from her. It's a ton of little things like that. If the team needed something, there was a time we tested what would happen if I asked versus someone else asking. And, in group meetings, I would often say things that were dismissed, or I was responded to as if I was lying, so one of my colleagues would have to agree with me, and repeat what I was saying or else what I was saying would not be heard.

The main thing that upset me the most was early on when I told her we needed professional movers to move boxes because two of my colleagues were going to burn out, doing physical labor that should not be part of their job. She rejected the comment and was very snide with me, saying it's what we're paid to do. When I went back to my colleagues and told them that, one broke-down. She ended up giving her notice the next week. As a reaction to the near burn-out and notice, my manager hired some part-time movers to help us. But it took someone quitting. When she wrote out to the manager her notice, she never got an actual response, and it was an ongoing issue of not feeling heard for most of us. So I did not trust her from the get-go, which she no doubt must have realized.

I was also reprimanded because there was a day when we were all making boxes and we had no black permanent markers left. I asked to order some, and was met with hostility and suspicion, did we really need them? It might take a while, could we get by without them? We're a team of 4-6 making hundreds of boxes a day - the reaction was nonsensical. So I went to the office supply store and got markers. And I said if I'm reimbursed fine if not, that's okay too. That did not go well.

A lot of the friction has been around me taking liberties I shouldn't be taking anymore now that my employer is the federal government. Apparently, all those bureaucratic jokes about it taking 4-6 weeks before your pencil order comes in isn't a joke. It's something I have a lot of trouble with. Clearly.

During the meeting with my manager's boss I mentioned that when I heard she was leaving I was hoping to benefit from a fresh start with the new manager, who I already prefer. Having said that, the department clearly has a laundry list of issues with me, which isn't something I can easily get over or look past.

She said we'd meet again in a few weeks with my new manager. That didn't leave me feeling great. For now I'm going to just keep going to work and doing the best I can, while also spending as little money as possible since it feels like I'm going to lose my job.

Sure, maybe part of that meeting was to get me to smarten up and move forward, but I felt it was more in line with her doing her due-diligence before firing me to keep the union happy. A union I've never seen or heard from by the way.

If this happened on Thursday, I got home in a panic. I cried the entire bus ride home and most of the night. I have cried more in the last 6 months, at work, than I have in the last decade of my life. I asked a friend if I could text her to "let things out" in order to attempt to decompress a little. I know what happens when you call suicide hotlines. They tell you to call a friend if you can. I guess it's an attempt to get you back in your "real life" with people who actually know you, but what it feels like is a dodge. It all feels like a dodge.

I went to work Friday, kept busy with the job, and came home Friday night quite well rooted in a mix of situational sadness and deep depression.

1. I am not capable of having a decent job because I'm a piece of shit.
2. I am unable to take care of myself.
3. I am 34 and dependent on my mother.
4. If my mother passes before me, I'm fucked.
5. I shouldn't have adopted my dog, I'm a fuck-up. 
6. I don't deserve a job with actual reasonable working conditions.
7. I have an undeserved ego/pride.
8. I am incapable of holding down a job.
9. I need to get "worse" jobs that I deserve.
10. I will never be able to afford care (therapy, classes, yoga, self-care). 
11. My inability to understand the complexities of all the interactions with my manager over the last few months clearly shows I have a diminishing mental capacity. 
12. I am a drain on my mother.
13. I am a drain on my friends and family.
14. I am a disappointment to my friends and family.
15. This was my one chance to get into the public sector and I fucked it up. 
16. I would need to live in affordable housing, but my mental illness is borderline severe so I will never be helped by any official social services.
17. Any care I could access would have to be paid out of pocket, which I will never be able to afford, so I will never access it. 
18. All of this was avoidable, but I was too nonchalant because I'm dissociative. 

It goes on and on.

At this point, 2-3 days after the shock of it all I'm calmer, so maybe this makes a little more sense than the sheer panic of Thursday and Friday. It's quieter now.

Yesterday I went to the dog park, ran some simple errands and watched documentaries all day. I watched I Am Not Your Negro and I Am Another You, which hit close to home since it was about being homeless due (in large part) to mental illness. Great timing on that one.

Today I went to the dog park, did some laundry and might watch another movie or cook something.

Sometimes I fall into this crevasse of thinking about losing my job and my heart starts to race.

Other times a feeling of uselessness just slowly covers me up.

It's not a great time. It's not a good time. It's a bad time for me.

It's 2018.

I was primarily looking forward to this holiday break for the time off of work. I'm tired. Work has been stressful, I've had issues with my manager. All of it as a long story, with detailed explanations of why I think she's not a good manager, and how I feel she clearly dislikes me, personally.

I spent Christmas cooking for my brother's family, then headed back home to sleep for two days. I go back to work tomorrow, January 2nd. I'll have had a little over a week off, which is most definitely better than nothing.

It's been difficult though since I've been cooped up inside the house. It's been -20 to -30 these past few days. 

Having Buddy around has helped. He's a booger sometimes but he doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He's been a nice distraction and a cuddle buddy.

The manager I don't like is leaving in January, but I don't know who is replacing her, and what will be said of me to her replacement. I'm only on a one-year contract so it's stressful not knowing what's going on. We should know in February or March if we'll be re-contracted.

I'm trying to focus on my health but it's been hard lately. I feel bloated and exhausted. Seasonal depression on top of already being a depressive fucker doesn't seem like an ideal situation.

I'm still alive and kicking. I'm just not kicking too hard or too high. Limping and bunting.

Guided meditations by Tara Brach.

A lot going on, busy and exhausted. Nervous about my new job, starting Monday.

Here are some guided meditations by Tara Brach.

I know I should be doing them - but all I want to do is sleep. It's all I can think of.

I need a vacation. I just want to do little to nothing for a week.

I just want to sleep sleep sleep.

New news.

Well, it's been a time.

It's been busy. I had a Mother's Day brunch and mani/pedi planned and volunteering this past weekend, and the weekend before was movies and housework. Sunday I had a ton of dogs, a lot of pit-bulls and large dogs, a few traumatized dogs, and that takes a lot of energy.

Over a week ago I got an e-mail from one of the pools I'd applied on and was testing for, saying I was now officially in the pool. This past Friday I got a call and was offered a job. I said I was interested and now they're doing the security clearance check on me. I actually went in just this morning for fingerprinting and paperwork.

Now I wait.

I need an official offer, with a contract, and a start date for me to actually feel like this is happening.

Some key points:

• It's legit in the building where my bus drops me off downtown in the morning, so it's still in Montreal and it's not in some random location.
• The starting salary will boost my income right out the gate by five thousand dollars.
• They're filling 4 jobs, and I was offered the Archivist role - which matches up with my organisation and information management strengths. 
• It's a one year contract - but that's to make sure I'm not cuckoo - nobody gets a full time permanent job with the government right away, it's too hard to get fired.
• This pool I applied to in April 2016. So It's been over a year, S's whole process took 14 months. Depending on the next few weeks, it seems like my experience is lining up with her timeline.

The timeline so far:

2016-04-24 - Application
2016-11-28 - Questions to me by e-mail
2017-02-03 - Invite to exam
2017-03-09 - Invite to interview (3 person panel exam, reference request)
2017-03-14 - Exam results
2017-04-18 - Follow-up on references (boss didn’t call back)
2017-05-09 - Confirmation I'm in the hiring pool
2017-05-12 - Phone call of offer
2017-05-15 - Security forms and request for fingerprints
2017-05-16 - Appointment for fingerprints

Knowing my current workplace, I wanted to speak with the principal, and my manager ASAP. I reached out to the principal first, since he was my reference, and since I've worked with him longest. 

He ended up calling me into his office teary-eyed, which I did not expect. Thankfully both times he and I got teary-eyed he changed the topic so we both avoided full-on crying. 

He then announced it to my manager, who met with me, and that also went really well. I told them both I know this place well enough to know it will take longer than 2 weeks for everyone to get their shit together, so they both appreciated that. They basically need to write a new job description. They don't need a graphic designer, they need a marketing assistant or maybe an administrative assistant with basic InDesign skills. 

So, that was a huge weight off. I don't like secrets and I don't like games. I don't want to make plans with my current employer knowing full-well I'm on my way out.

It's also an ongoing process, and both the hiring employer and my current employer are open to being flexible, which I really appreciate and which is ideal. 

My new manager said she's like me to start June 1st - but that doesn't really match up with the 10 days it takes HR to send me a contract after I get my security check, I think it'll take longer than that. Which is fine by my current employer, since they'll keep me for as long as they can. 

I mean, it's not like I'm busy here, I just think they like me. 

It's ups and downs. 

So that's my news. It was great Friday afternoon news, but it's still kind of out in the ether, since there are a lot of unknowns. 

Other updates:

• Things are still cold between my brother and I - I haven't seen my nephews in ages.
• No news from the Neuro hospital regarding TMS.
• This upcoming weekend I'm heading to the Eastern Townships with my mom for her Mother's Day/Birthday gift. We're staying in a Bed & Breakfast and going for dinner, I'm looking forward to the change of scene.

That's it for now. Ideally I'd get a later start-date with the new job so I could take a week off between jobs - but I'll take it any way I can get it. 

With love,
K.

Barely here.

I had problems with my meds at the top of the week. I think I must have forgotten Sunday, and then doubled my dose on Monday, and then had to call in sick on Tuesday because I couldn't wake up. I slept like 16 hours.

When the meds leave my system, I hear zapping, a noise similar to if you block your ear canal with your finger. The sound seems to originate between my ear canal and my brain. I also have trouble moving around, because it's like my vision lags and catches up. So I get this sensation like I just missed a step, but didn't. I can't focus. And if people talk to me it's like I can't focus on them. So when I got home Monday I took another dose of meds ASAP, because even at home I felt fucking awful.

I also feel like I'm losing my fucking mind.

But then I just slept and slept and slept. I wonder if sleeping resets my brain or something.

I feel like I have a sleep disorder and it's fucking getting to me.

So the beginning of the week was a mess.

I'm really just, feeling like an unemployable scumbag these days.

Back to work work work work work work work.

Back to work today.

It's actually nice to get out of the house. It wouldn't be so bad if it were my own space with my own workspace, but right now I'm trucking my gear up and down from the basement and it's a hassle.



It’s nice and quiet, so I was able to do a few little things I wanted to do, mail some stuff and prep for some packaging I need to do for some Etsy gear I want to post. All while waiting on other work. I like days like today, when it’s quiet but I still have some stuff to do.

The additional days off I took mean this week is only a two-day workweek. Saturday is my birthday, and I’ll be spending the day with S. I haven’t seen her since before the holidays so it’ll be nice to see her. Being with her is restful. She’s the only person I’d really want to spend my birthday with.

I’m feeling a little better today. I think getting out of the house helped. You know, putting pants on, some makeup, interacting with humans and such.

The last few days were hard, this time of year always gets to me.

At least at work I’m distracted, however temporarily. I know that isn’t actively engaging in my fucking life, but for today it’s enough.

It’ll be interesting to see how much help my fitbit will be now that I’m out in the world, walking around.

Yesterday it asked me, are you a hibernating bear?
It didn’t ask me that.

Happiness makes you less creative.

According to some research, happiness makes you less creative:

Rigor is the key to overcoming obstacles and completing tasks—and good mood doesn’t improve problem-solving, which involves judgments that almost by necessity won’t feel good: critique and evaluation, experimentation and failure. The stress that arises from problems may be unpleasant but it also motivates us to complete tasks... In other words, negative emotions are actually beneficial to the creative process.

I mean, duh, in some ways...

This study seems to be based in the workplace, which in itself creates a very specific frame in which to work. 

I'd argue that highs and lows are necessary as a writer or as an artist who communicated heavier narratives. But, I think it depends on the art. Happy-people-art doesn't really speak to me. It's not in my language. Art about someone getting shat on by a bird, that speaks to me. That's relatable. 

Since this study speaks to work-place stress/happiness, I'd argue that people who feel less secure at work or aren't as happy also have work-place performance fears and pressure. That also changes the way you function and produce.

In my experience creativity also takes time and energy, and the correlation of that time and energy isn't easily dropped into a capitalist framework. 

I've always had a shit time charging for my time. I hate it. It's why I can't work for myself creatively. When I'm depressed I feel like my time is worth shit, and when I'm not I just feel a tremendous amount of guilt and pressure asking for a livable sum.

Recently I referred a potential client to a friend, what he quotes 600$ for I would  have done for 20$ an hour. No doubt he'd walk away from that in a much better place than I.

I resent needing to ask for money. I don't want to sell my wares. I'm my own patron for now. Etsy'll have to do. 

Bonding over office drama.

Something very unusual happened yesterday. A co-worker asked me to join her and a few others for a drink after work, and I agreed.

We went to a local pub and ended up leaving around 10:30 (at NIGHT).

I can't even remember the last time I 1) socialised with work people and 2) socialised on a work-night. Spectacular miracles all around.

It was a nice night, we laughed a lot. Two of the younger mid-20's guys didn't know what kegel exercises were. They learned a lot.

What was most interesting for me, was how much I learned once they'd all started drinking. Especially regarding office drama and politics. There's long been two people I'm not a fan of. One is a partner who is terrible to work with. He has no concept of time or deadlines and speaks in weird, fluttery language that makes him impossible to take direction from. He also is a bit of a snob. The other is his attaché, a golden boy he loves, but who I now know everyone has problems with.

My issue with him was that he's entitled and inconsiderate. He talks to everyone like they work for him (he's not even an architect, he's still in school) and he's often patronising. Here are a few examples:

• Once I came in to a note that said "I needed a USB key, so I took yours." He went through my stuff, took my USB key, then removed what was on the USB key and placed it on a shared server. The nerve of going through someone's things!
• In the kitchen, he never cleans up after himself. And when we ask him about it, he clearly does not give any shits. He steams his milk and leaves a crust. Every. Day.
• He uses a coffee machine that's expressly for guests and senior partners (the kid is like 28).
• If he borrows something and you speak slowly and clearly that he needs to bring it back when he's done. He won't. You know this. And he lies to your face.
• I replaced the receptionist a few times this summer for her holidays. He would come and sit in the lobby in the couch chairs and read magazines. During work hours. Casually. No care in the world. 

These are everyday annoyances. You deal. I think shit started hitting the fan when he yelled at a client and a co-worker. And then it came out that two clients refuse to deal with him at all. This is a young kid. Not even an architect yet - how was he not fired!?

Then we found out he was hired at 55,000$ a year, which is significantly more than all of the junior staff. That added injury to the daily insult. He makes more than some architects. But they're women, you see. They handle their burden silently. They work hard. They're polite. They're enjoyed by their colleagues. He has an ego. He's entitled. He tells people their ideas are wrong, their designs ugly. A true visionary rectal wart. 

The gender pay-gap is real.

He comes in late, smug. People don't want to work with him. Co-workers think he's disrespectful. Clients think he's a dick. He's just not great. And the way he seems to be an exception to decency while making more money than folks killing themselves on projects makes everyone furious. 

I learned all about that last night, which was nice. I know it's a suck situation but the fact is I internalise so much being able to relate to other humans was nice.

I know very little about the people I spend my days next to. I liked everyone I went out with before, but now I know a little more about them. Mainly what lushes they are. I had a drink. It sucked. I don,t know enough about alcohol to have any test or knowledge. 

I'd like to work on being more social. 

I have a lot I want to work on!

It's Friday! 

Can't wait to go home and take my bra off!

What a better job could mean.

You know what I was just thinking to myself? How day-camps and whimsical events geared towards children would be fun for adults too. Like those, "be a zoo keeper for a day" things. I want to go to the zoo and learn about the animals.

Sometimes I have these random thoughts to myself and I think, haha, I'm so cute.

Because I am. Maybe not externally, as I'm a somewhat grown-ass woman, but internally I can be. If I was a cartoon I think I'd be pretty close to Winnie the Pooh, but also Eeyore. So like, some kind of cutesy-depressed mammal.

Things have been quite at work due to it being the 2-week standard construction holidays, and my working in a field adjacent to  the industry. Last week was quite busy, but this week is dead. I spend the entire day yesterday drawing. You can title it illustration because I'm in my 30's but I was fucking colouring all day. For my own amusement, and for an update to my etsy shop.

Things have been odd lately. I've felt myself to be in a loose limbo. I'm currently in a candidacy pool for an entry level job with the federal government. I have been for months. It started with 3 exams, then a phone "interview" exam, and I heard this week that they've been calling my references. The candidacy pool is hiring for two job locations, one of which being where I currently live. It would mean being able to walk to work as opposed to spending two hours a day getting to and from the city. It would also mean a nearly $10,000 increase to my current salary, changing everything for me.

It's a waiting game. For my friend S her candidacy process took over 14 months. I took the exams on May 14th 2016, and was contacted 2 weeks earlier than that. I've been contacted every 2-3 weeks in order to complete an additional step. It seems to be going quickly, but we're not kept abreast of our place in the process, or what position we're being considered for. It's a lot of unknowns. 

I've felt encouraged by it, which is an odd sensation for me. I've been trying to limit my meat consumption, so I've been trying to make healthier food choices. It's been happening quite naturally. I've been thinking more and more about ways to increase my activity level and have felt bursts of energy I haven't felt in a while. A little bit of hope for the future will do that, I suppose.

Sometimes these shifts happen, it doesn't take much, but I get this view of how things could be different for me and it just shakes me up.

I keep dreaming I'm married. Not only married but in love / loved and it's just really unexpected and alien. It's also nice. I feel comforted and cared for and wanted.

I'm reading Brené Brown's Rising Strong, and although some of the language bugs me, she does talk a lot about how much people often don't feel good enough, or don't feel valued or wanted. I think that's a fair assessment for me. Especially with the opposite sex / romantically. I have a lot of trouble understanding someone liking me, being attracted to me, or falling in love with me.

The trauma created by rejection and humiliation, by shame and pain can be lasting. Untangling that, is a lot of work. And in the case of a partnership, I'd need a willing partner, and that's difficult to imagine, and even to comprehend.

It hits me at night mainly, when I'm alone in bed. That's where I want the companionship most. In the quiet. In comfort. 

Don't do that.

Friday morning I was predictably masochistic and checked out a bunch of facebook accounts of people I'm not longer friend with (but we still have common friends). It made me feel so shitty. I got up feeling fucking weird, and had a lot of shame about my life, and where I'm at now (on paper: living with my mom, being broke, being overweight) and I was just going to spiral.

I made my way into the city, and while I was making my coffee at work I started thinking about why I wasn't friends with these people, and if I did, indeed, want to re-establish this links, and if I missed them, and if so, why. I had a conversation with myself.

I miss the lightheartedness of that time of my life, and maybe the ignorance of it. It was pre-everything. I think the roots and "warning signs" of my anxiety and depression were indeed there, but they had not taken over yet, and there was still the energy of my youth, the prospects of the future, and a lot of unknowns.

I think I do hold a lot of shame and a lot of guilt about my body, and about my 20's.

I'm friends with great people now. My friends are totally different. They're supportive. They're empathetic. They're wildly smart. Things are different now, and I played an active role in that, and sometimes I forget that.

I'd been in a weird shitty funk this week. I've been stressed about the stability of my income / job and have been looking for something else. But, the economy is sketchy, the job market is quiet and overall jobs are just shit. Unless you're an engineer or in tech or finance finding a stable job is just the dumps.

I ended up feeling pretty shitty Thursday night, I was wishing I was dead, and just feeling useless. I often feel like I can't take care of myself, and can not depend on myself in a real way. I'm a bad depressive episode away from homelessness, at all times. That's my main fear.

I ended up e-mailing with a friend, who also has been struggling (though with different things) and this is part of that exchange:

Hey bud,
I wanted to reach out and kind of quasi-apologise. I've been in a weird funk for a few weeks now, and it's been getting worse. 

I feel like you've been going through a lot too, and I feel like I always put my foot in my mouth and say dumb things. 

I'm also super sensitive right now, and thus paranoid and anxious.  

Sometimes I'm just so self-conscious about it all that it's difficult to understand what other people see in me. I'm the one who lives in my head, so I envy those who get an edited version of everything that goes on in there.
I hope if ever there is something, you'd mention it to me. 

-- 

Aw buddy! I know how that feels - I have the same kind of self conscious thing with anxiety where I always feel like I said the wrong thing or whatever.  

Anyways - everything is fine! With us I mean. My personal life is another matter. No worries! I love ya and you are a great friend!  

-- 

lol - "my personal life is another matter" is how I feel right now. 

This morning a friend linked to a bunch of old friends of mine on Facebook and it brought up a ton of garbage emotions. Mainly shame and guilt and just self-loathing. I'm trying to be positive but I have this feeling like I want to cry so badly, like a good sob, but it's all caught in my arteries. Is that a crazy feeling?  

Like - this is a weird fucking thing to say, but I was always kind of jealous of L's depression/anxiety cause she can cry. From the outside, it looks cathartic. For me, it all internalized into these weird sensations, but there's no release. I wish I could cry it out, you know? 

You're so great I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. 

--

I mean, it's nothing magical. But it is kind, and supportive, and understanding. And yah, it isn't perfect, I re-read what I wrote and to me I hear a frantic undertone, which is difficult.

Thursday I was bugging out. 

I was just out of it - I felt like I checked out. I felt like I needed to be in a padded room. I'd been having a few days of brain zapping - something that apparently happens when you forget to take your meds. Though, I have been taking my meds. I was feeling dissociative and "floaty" and having trouble focusing or paying attention. If I turned around too quickly I felt wobbly/not-solid and kind of like I might walk into a doorframe or wall as I walked past them. I kept "hearing" brain zaps in my inner ear/head and it was just not pleasant. It's very difficult to explain. 

I'm feeling better, I've been sleeping and today I'm at home catching up and stuff, and I have to do my 24-hour urines test to track my cortisol levels. 

I wanted to write about it on Thursday and Friday, but I was having a  lot of trouble concentrating and had to keep the focus I had to get through the work day. 

Well, it’s been weird (like my face).

Well, it’s been weird.

I decided to buck-up and go into work. Sitting at home was just going to further along my narration of feeling sorry for myself. Besides, it’s not like I have tons of vacation days and am making enough money to actually take time off. So, I came into work.

I figured I need to work, I need the pay-checks, it would be good to get out of the house, and there’s no telling how long I’ll be living with Bell’s palsy for, so I might as well live as if it’s my new normal. And honestly, it hasn't taken that long for it to be my “new normal.” It's what I've got right now.

I was the first in the office, and the next two architects in were quick to notice and ask me about it. One got pretty upset, which upset me. I guess it’s kind of upsetting to see me. I look sad I think. I'm like a puppy in a cast. Only I'm a grown human woman with a half-paralysed face.

I decided to send an e-mail out to my co-workers, explaining what happened and linking to the Bell’s palsy wiki. I mean, you can’t not notice, so at least this way people might answer their own questions. A few people I’m closer to were more upset, and were pretty empathetic.

Overall, it went well, it just takes a lot of energy to manage people’s reactions. I got upset once, and it was Monday morning talking to one of the senior architects who just looked so sad. I was saying that Friday and Saturday had been hard on my morale, and I choked up a bit.

I'm lucky to have had Friday in the hospital and the weekend to adjust. It has helped me adjust, and just kind of accept it. I felt sorry for myself, but that got old fast enough.

Eating lunch is hard, so I try and take it slow to not be gross. I drink with a straw I brought in. I don’t buy plastic straws anymore ever since watching a video of a sea turtle with a straw up his nose.

My right eye has started twitching, and I'm tired. I'm going to have to try and sleep more, and rest the eye more. It's going to be an adjustment. Daily, I guess.

Navigating the world with an eye-patch on has been something. First, I look like a pirate. But I also wear black a lot so I look like an assassin pirate I guess. It affects my depth perception. And I can't really smile. Walking around it has a nice "fuck off leave me alone" quality. But sometimes I don't want to look that way. Sometimes I want to smile. 

I went to the Kiehl's store yesterday to pick up a moisturiser I had sampled the week before my paralysis. I got the same sales rep, who was quick to be like, "You weren't paralysed last week!" Which, in fairness, I wasn't.

The other sales girls were really curious about it.

To be honest it's kind of socially interesting to see people's reactions. People really internalize it. There are some people who have really big, deep reactions. Some are clearly terrified at the thought of waking up disfigured, even if it's promised to be temporary. Some look disgusted. Worried. Some are disbelieving. People want to know why and how they can avoid it. 

To be clear, it isn't promised to be temporary. There can be lasting effects, and I'm still learning about them. But, it's still early days and I'm overwhelmed as it is so I'm trying to take it slow.

All of this reminds me of an article recommended to me on how not saying the wrong thing when you're interacting with someone going through something difficult. Apparently this is known as "ring theory." 

The illustration is by Wes Bausmith, sourced from the LA Times article.

So, according to this theory, if you're communicating "inward" (towards the person or people who are more directly affected by the illness or trauma) you're meant to be comforting. If you're looking to "dump" on someone, or "complain" and make it about you, it should be to someone who is further out from the centre of that trauma. 

The closer that person is to the bullseye (as compared to you) the more supportive you should be. 

It's a great theory. I think that there are some people who are so innately self-centred and anxious that they're unable to truly empathize outside of themselves. So presenting this theory to someone who is a narcissist, won't change that.

It's been interesting to see peoples reactions. Who says something supportive? Who can't get past what my situation would mean to them? It seems that friends who are more likely to be described as being good looking, or who would self-identify as their looks being important to them, have taken it really hard. They have big reactions. I'm guessing for them, they can't imagine going out and living a life that's disfigured. 

Being pretty has never been an identifier for me. It's not even in my top 10. But for someone who whom it's in the top 3, I can see how it would really shake them.

I think most reactions have been because I look sad. I look like I'm frowning and I'm not wearing make-up and I just look sad. So people see me and reflect that. 

I think for a lot of people, it's potentially one of the worse "temporary" medical issues they can get since it's so visible and clear. 

For me my acceptance of this, is entirely reliant on whether or not this is indeed temporary. I say that, knowing full well, if this ends up permanent I have absolutely no recourse. I mean, I'm "accepting" this first and foremost because I have no real choice in the matter. And yes, it's easier to swallow if I tell myself it is most likely temporary, but this is all guesswork. It's a great way to sooth the worries of others. I get to say, "it's supposed to be temporary."

I understand that for some it might seem obvious that it's temporary, and that it could clear up in weeks, but in the research I've seen, and in the stuff I've read so far, there does not seem to be two cases alike. I saw a 4-week heal rate in someone very young, and I've seen cases drag on over a year, with very slow progress. Some people do have permanent impairments. I've read of people going through acupuncture and referring to it as a miracle cure, like I've seen people say they went to 10 sessions and had no change. Wikipedia is saying it's mainly treated with steroids, but for now it doesn't even seem like studies are conclusive on its efficacy. 

It could be inflammation based. It could be stress based. It could come from a virus. It could a lot of things. It's described as being a diagnosis of "exclusion" in that it's not a stroke and it's not B, C, or D, thus it's Bell's palsy. 

For now it's just a ton of questions and just trying to figure things out while resting because I'm exhausted and impaired. My eye has been twitching a lot. I get muscle pain in my under jaw, like right in my mouth/jaw. 

My mom wanted to treat me last night so we had turkey burgers with bacon in it. I was eating it like a bird with the side-hole of my mouth, the only part that works. It was kind of bananas. I feel like one of those impaired background players in an Adam Sandler movie. You know, one of his buddies he casts in all his films, to act dumb and usually back-watery. I laugh out of the side of my mouth and just want to make it even weirder by completely changing my physical comedy. 

It's been weird.

It's been absurd, really.

A case of the Fridays.

Fridays make me crazy maybe. I'm sitting at work, in this open industrial-loft type space, and all I wanna do is randomly exclaim “it’s fucking Friday!” every once in a while. A colleague had a cup of tea on a side of a desk and I just wanted to swat at it enthusiastically, sending hot liquid flying and watching the cup crash into the concrete floors. Understand, this wouldn't be out of malice, but out of excitement!

Like when a child is “full of beans” and can’t sit still. My grandmother use to say my brother was full of “piss and vinegar” which remains to this day one of my favourite expressions. It definitely applied to my brother, and two-decades later it applies to his 7-year-old son.

So today, I feel like I'm filled with piss and vinegar. I especially want to talk abrasively and laugh aloud. I want to make jokes with construction workers and high-five a small child. 

I wonder if this is what being manic is like. These days I've felt pretty good, but today I'm just excited that it’s Friday and can’t wait for the weekend – so I feel doubly better than I usually do. 

I feel so unlike myself, this piss and vinegar make me want to pull pranks! How shitty is that? I want to poke people and rough-house and run through a field. When, have I, a fat, lazy, over-grown toddler ever wanted to do anything close to that. Nap in a field maybe.

Work and disclosure.

I wasn't looking forward to today. I had a meeting with my new supervisor / department head. He's been with us for 3 months. The tone of his e-mail was pretty serious. I knew there was a likelihood of it being a type of informal review.

Look, technically it went well. But he did signal a change in my mood and said I seemed discouraged. I was honest and said I am. No vacation. No raise. Co-workers quit for better jobs. Unclear what my role is now that the team is smaller. My "helping" means me doing work that isn't mine to do. There's also not great work benefits... I'm not psyched. 

But yes, there was positive feedback. But it just wiped me, the effort it took to explain and interpret. 

I am always reminded of what it's like to be unemployed and desperate when I feel I'm complaining too much... It's like the act of complaining about this job musters up a shadow that preaches gratitude and threatens reprisal for not properly counting my blessings aloud.

He asked if there was a health issue since I take a lot of days for doctor appointments. I said there was, but I did not disclose. He didn't push.

I don't feel disclosing the nature of my disorders to him, or to the company helps me in any way. Knowing there's a health issue seems enough...

There's no way of explaining it to my satisfaction.

I am often paranoid and hard on myself anyway. 

It's just unclear. I feel this is a disability but there is no clear way for me to navigate how to work and live through this other than my just coping and pretending as best I can.

There is no subvention for hiring me. Any parience or understanding will no doubt wear thin.

I get these micro moments of existential dread. These little panicked, painful flutters. They leave as quickly as they came. They feel like reminders. I'm to be reminded of how fickle calm is, how fragile I am. 

I can't look to the future. Looking ahead takes too much out of me. I can't inagine my life, it only exhausts me.