"How To Lose 155 Pounds Happily."

I have been thinking a lot about my body, and my weight, and my necessary weigh-loss (for longevity and not dying before my father did).

Currently listening to How To Lose 155 Pounds Happily from How to! With Charles Duhigg.

Ashley thought by now she’d be on top of the world. Once severely overweight, Ashley lost 155 pounds and recently ran her first half-marathon. But when she looks in the mirror all she sees are the imperfections. In this episode of How To!, we bring in Brittany O’Neill, the real-life inspiration for the hit movie Brittany Runs a Marathon. Having undergone a major transformation herself, Brittany knows what it’s like to feel unhappy after you’ve crossed the finish line. Constant self-improvement doesn’t necessarily lead to self-acceptance, Brittany says. Instead, learn to view yourself through your loved ones’ eyes—even say their praises aloud—and soon, you’ll see what they see.

I mean, the podcast showcases a lot of my fears. There's this feeling that I already ruined my body, and there's not much to do about it. There's the pre-exhaustion of knowing how much work it is - I know how hard I worked to weigh 150 pounds - it was an eating disorder and daily exercise. 

It's also just emotional to hear something I already know, which is that the weight loss doesn't somehow placate existentialism, or living in a misogynist world. It won't make me love myself, or my body. 

It just will address certain aspects of my health, and the reality of having to live in a fatphobic world. 

I'll always be a "big girl."

One long day.

It's been really difficult to find the time to update the blog. I have had a lot going on with the dogs' adoption and work. I've just been very busy. I get home during the week and I walk the dog, I have dinner I take a shower and I go to bed.

On top of all of this I started TMS treatments. Everything happened really quickly: they called me, they gave me an appointment for a few days later, there was an intake interview (How depressed are you on a scale of sheetcake to paint huffing? Do you think you're a bummer most of the time, some of the time or all the time?) and I started treatments the same day.

I started this past week. I went in on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. I will be going in five days a week for 4 to 6 weeks.

It's all a lot of unknown. I don't know how long this'll last, I don't know how I might react, I don't know if they'll keep me for the full six weeks or shorter/longer.

All I know right now is I'm exhausted and it's a lot to go in for treatments and to work full-time. I am missing work for an hour or two daily to go to these sessions so I'm using a lot of my sick days and possibly also my vacation days. It's causing some stress. When I get home I don't feel like being on the computer so that's why I'm not really on the blog these days. Maybe eventually when things quiet down I'll be able to put some time aside every week and spend more time writing.

I'm still here, doing my best, not dead yet.

Michael Pollan on food and cooking and eating.

Highly recommend Cooked on Netflix.



I happened to also come upon Michael Pollan's episode of The Passionate Eye last night which aired bits of his documentary In Defense of Food. I think it was an edited down version, since it was only a 60-minute episode. I'll try and find it in it's entirety.



It's just a really informative, healthy approach to food and eating, as well as cooking.

Eating is often a big source of anxiety and shame for me, so having an approach that centres around care could be transformative for me.

Exercises to "bust" your depression.

I don't love the title to this. It's click-batey. I get that it's the joke, but it bugs me.

Depression-Busting Exercise Tips For People Too Depressed To Exercise by Sarah Kurchak. 

Her piece is good though. She talks about the infuriating reality of being told to exercise when you're going through a depression.

When it comes to having a mental illness, the G.I. Joe doctrine is meaningless: Knowing what will help you isn't close to half the battle. It’s a tenth of the battle, at best. Most people with depression are already aware—often too aware—of all the things we could or should be doing to combat our condition. But where the well-meaning mentally healthy person sees a straightforward progression toward improvement, we see the paradox: yes, if we could do those things, it might help our depression, but not being able to do those things is a major part of being depressed.

I think neurotypical people just don't get that. How ambition and energy just evaporate. It takes all of your energy to just do the most "routine" of things.

When you’re depressed (you're navigating) a labyrinth of garbage fires fuelled by physical and mental exhaustion, self-loathing, defeat, and frustration.

Well, balls. This is me right now. I'm going to bed at 9 pm and am just exhausted most of the day. One of the pieces pull quotes just got it and fucking nailed it to the wall.

If you’re staying alive, you’re already doing the hardest workout imaginable.

Preach.

Face update.

I only have one official follower - hello you!

I thought I'd just take a minute and say my face is about 90% better. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, check out this post here, and then follow the bell's palsy label.

I've got some weakness on my right side. My muscles don't feel as present, or as strong as my left. They feel sleepy. I have some trouble right the right side of my lips, which I sense when I press my lips together, or put on lip balm.

Honestly though, I felt like a winner as soon as my eye could blink on its own. I took for granted how much the body does automatically, it really is its own ecosystem. I was closing my eye manually, and constantly putting drops in. I was very worried about damaging my cornea.

If you or someone you know ever wakes up with Bell's, here's what I did: I went to the ER, where I was prescribed a weeks worth of steroids / an eye patch. The first week I rested A LOT and slept 10 hours a night MINIMUM (I was also stressed and exhausted). I also used a "sac magique" or magic bag (a fancy bag of hot beans!) on my face nightly for the atrophied muscles. I kept the sleep up, and even now I've scheduled shorter work weeks in order to rest-up and try and heal 100%. It's a pretty scary thing! 

I hope none of you get it - but if you do, know it isn't that uncommon and in most cases it does go away!

I did a lot of research, but most of it scared me, since some cases last significantly longer, and some do have permanent muscle loss. 

From what I've read, it seems the most recent studies out of Japan are thinking it's a virus... But there's still no consensus - which is scary.

Our bodies are equal parts amazing and horrifying!

(Half) facing it.

Not a great day today. Not the best of moods.

I'm tired, and last night I felt weird and off. My mouth tastes like metal because of the steroids, and I'm feeling slow.

I don't know what's to be expected and what's psycho-somatic.

The prognosis on Wikipedia also mentioned how earlier healing is a good sign, so I'm well aware if things don't start improving in the next two weeks, things could be long for me. A co-workers buddy had it for over 9 months. That's significant. From Wikipedia:

Most people with Bell's palsy start to regain normal facial function within 3 weeks—even those who do not receive treatment. In a 1982 study, when no treatment was available, of 1,011 patients, 85% showed first signs of recovery within 3 weeks after onset. For the other 15%, recovery occurred 3–6 months later. After a follow-up of at least 1 year or until restoration, complete recovery had occurred in more than two-thirds (71%) of all patients. Recovery was judged moderate in 12% and poor in only 4% of patients.Another study found that incomplete palsies disappear entirely, nearly always in the course of one month. The patients who regain movement within the first two weeks nearly always remit entirely. When remission does not occur until the third week or later, a significantly greater part of the patients develop sequelae. A third study found a better prognosis for young patients, aged below 10 years old, while the patients over 61 years old presented a worse prognosis.

 Also, some "facts" according to Canada.com Health:

• Men or women of any age can suffer Bell's palsy, but statistics suggest that people aged 20 to 35 are at a slightly higher-than-average risk. 
• Your risk of experiencing Bell's palsy in our lifetime is about 1 in 60.
• Japanese research has found that 80% of cases can be traced to the common virus called herpes simplex 1, the virus that causes cold sores. The virus infects the seventh cranial (facial) nerve, which helps control the muscles associated with facial expression. As the nerve swells up, it starts to malfunction.
• There is no known way of preventing Bell's palsy.

I guess it helps as I read more and as I am more informed. Sometimes I read articles that are like, "it's so temporary and you'll see improvements in 3-4 weeks!" But other times it's stories like, "I had it for over a year, my face never fully healed, and now I have synkinesis, and crocodile tear syndrome." So it's kind of a crap shoot.

So, synkinesis is when the new nerve paths make links to other nerves while regenerating, so every-time you might smile, your eye might blink, or curve a certain way.

And Crocodile Tear Syndrome, from what I understand, would mean tearing up when hungry, or when eating. For some reason this is kind of funny to me. I guess it depends how bad it would be. It's just kind of absurd as a chubby girl, to cry when you're hungry. 

Speaking of that, being chubby and hungry that is, the steroids are making me rage-hungry. Not in a craving kind of way, in a real "I need to eat" kind of way.  

I'm trying to up my water intake too, I'm always thirsty. 

Today I have my yearly work review, which, let's face it, will be awkward and hard. I was worried about it before, since I've been waiting for a raise for 2 years, and now I'm impaired and not really able to work as much or as hard so it's hard to feel justified in expecting a living wage. 

It's weighing on me. I'm looking forward to it being over, but I'm so tired, and I'm worried about "rolling over" to not being compensated properly. I also just really don't know what to expect since there have been so many changes company-wide. I've been where I am for over 2 years, and it's been rock and roll since I got here. Lay-off's and retirements and buy-outs and project cancellations and big contracts and drama, and I just don't feel secure. 

Work stress and money stress do not help. But they've been constant since my lay-off prior to this job. It's not a great job economy and I know I'm lucky to have a job, even if I'm under-used and over-qualified. I don't make good money, but I do make some, and that's not nothing.

I know I don't have to be grateful for what I have, but it's hard for me not to be. I am. It could always be worse. It's a mentality that gets me through, and it's hard to see things otherwise. 

It could always be worse. 

Before it helps you, it'll hurt you.

It’s been a whirlwind last couple of weeks. I’d been pretty busy, and then you know, I got vertigo. I woke up one morning to being totally topsy-turvy.

Vertigo would hit me whenever I moved my head significantly. Sitting up. Getting up. Rolling over in bed. Tilting my head back. Looking up. Basically I felt like my eyes were rolling around in my head, and that my eyes and brain were on a roller coaster while my body stayed perfectly still. It’s not dizziness, it’s really all-encompassing, like you’re being rotated from the inside. I couldn't walk in a straight line. It was rough.

I went to see Dr. Rishi and he asked that I lay down, and made me tilt my head a certain way. Well I did this and got hot and sweaty and felt like I was losing my mind while being sucked into a washing machine so he congratulated me on having a severe case of vertigo. I had to sit a while not to puke, and he had to hold my shoulders so I wouldn't fall over. He diagnosed me with a case of severe vertigo and I went home. Technically called Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), it’s when a small particle makes its way into the liquid of your ear canal, confusing your brain and balance centre. He explained that the exercise he had me do, I should do at home, twice a day, in an attempt to bring the particles that are causing the vertigo back out of the ear canal. 

Called the Epley maneuver, the first time I did it in the doctor’s office, I stopped, since it seemed to trigger an episode of severe vertigo and I thought I might be sick in the office. When I did it the following morning, at home, I thought I’d power through it. Well, when I laid on my side afterwards I began instantly vomiting, without even feeling nauseous. It was just awful. I was still experiencing vertigo, and the world was spinning so I remained on my side, unable to get up, while continuously vomiting.

Best bit? I was in my mother’s bed. She has a really high bed, so I thought I’d be better able to hang my head off of it, to force gravity to do it’s thang. So when my mother heard my convulsed expulsions, she came running. She brought me “the bucket” which I couldn't use since I couldn't lift my head, and then I yelled “towel” and she brought me a towel. I didn't puke in the towel, I laid the towel down over my puke so I could return to laying on my side while reality spun around.

I then followed this by saying, “I threw up in your bed” over and over. I spend the next two days resting/recovering. Looking back now it seems like that exercise got everything back into place, since it was clearly successful in moving things around. I felt wobbly for the next few hours, but the worse of the vertigo seemed to be behind me.

All of this took about a week and a half. I ended up missing Friday and then going in on Monday, and then taking the rest of the week until Friday again. This means I took 4 paid sick days, of my allotted 5, and it’s only February. So again, I'm left with no sick days for the rest of the year.

My biggest worry was my upcoming trip to BC to go see C. It has been planned forever and I traded in air miles tickets like 6 months ago, I would hate to have to cancel. It’ll be a countdown to Friday, when I take a flight out to Calgary (then on to Victoria) after work.

It’ll be nice to be somewhere else. It’ll be good to see C. Might be a little intense, since I'm on a couch and won’t have my own bedroom, but it’s only for a short time. She seems to have all sorts of things planned. We might go up to Tofino.

Being sick, and before that, being quite busy, has left me in a bit of a spot. I'm a little detached these days, tired. It could be the weather and the lack of sun, maybe I'm starting to get that winter madness.

I haven’t been able to write much, or create much for that matter. I'm tired and I feel slower than usual.

I have thoughts that run into my head that I consider exploring, but whatever inspiration hits me is just as quick to recede. 

I hope BC is good for me.

After the (shit) storm.

The week of your life after having had vertigo is so amazing.



I belong in a Lonely Island / Lego video.

Gif by Lisa Vertudaches.

Vertigo.

I haven't been able to write much lately. Thursday night I was hit with some type of weird vertigo. I couldn't get up or sit down or roll-over or move much without getting dizzy and having the room spin. It's gotten progressively less intense, our now being Monday and it being just a general uneasiness.

Apparently it could be a virus, or an inner-ear imbalance. Whatever it was it sucked, I didn't come into work (and I really need the money) and my hanging around the house in a nightgown made me feel like an old lady.

I've never had vertigo before - it makes no sense. It's been a rough-awakening, being reminded that my body makes no sense and it can fall apart at any time.

I'm back at work today, I'm tired, I fell down a YouTube hole last night and watched all sorts of medical videos. What a time to be alive!

Looking back, a little.

I haven't taken the time to write much since the traumatizing amnesia-based hospital visit. It's been updates here and there, and some minor posts, but I've found approaching the subject daunting.

In truth, it's also writing I'm finding difficult. Namely, translating the way my thoughts wander and wonder to narrative that's structured. On any given day I have these flashes of a place I can explore through writing but I'm often unable to take the time-out needed to write it down, or I'm quickly distracted by something else.

Over the holidays I often thought of taking out my laptop and taking the time to write something, but I was just so exhausted. Most of the holiday vacation was spent with family, cooking and partaking in Christmas parties. Then I went home around the 28th and just slept a lot and did my best to re-cooperate from the stress and exhaustion of the amnesia scare which was compacted by then going back to work.

Before I knew it, I was back to work on January 4th. My birthday was yesterday (the 7th), so focus quickly turned to my birthday. And now, in a month's time, I'll be visiting my friend out in Victoria, so my mind is occupied with planning and research. I'm also just looking forward to being away.

Last night I had dinner with my mother and my friend J. She came by the restaurant after work, and we had a drink and some good food. We were able to talk about my mom and catch up. She travels a lot for work, so it can be difficult to see one another. She's also a social butterfly and has a very active social life, so we don't hang out in the same circles anymore. She and I went to high school together. She's still friends with a lot of the guys who trigger some stuff in me that I'm still working on. We stayed friends even though I don't see the other guys.

I'm now 32. I don't really care that much about the number. I did find entering my 30's difficult, because all of a sudden the expectations of maturity and success seem increasingly important. This feeling was well described in an article I recently read in The Atlantic:

Being a Millennial and trying to adult is wildly disorienting. I can't figure out if I'm supposed to start a non-profit, get another degree, develop a wildly profitable entrepreneurial venture, or somehow travel the world and make it look effortless online. Mostly it just looks like taking a job that won't ever pay off my student debt in a field that is not the one that I studied. Then, if I hold myself to the traditional ideal of what it means to be an adult, I'm also not nailing it. I am unmarried, and not settled into a long term, financially stable career. Recognizing that I'm holding myself to an unrealistic standard considering the economic climate and the fact that dating as a Millennial is exhausting, it's unfair to judge myself, but I confess I fall into the trap of comparison often enough. Sometimes because I simply desire those things for myself, and sometimes because Instagram.

On most days I am resolute in knowing the things I don't want so I'm able to stand in my choices. I think the major difficulty for me is the guilt and shame I have of "losing my 20's" - that comes with a kind of mourning. I woke up 30, with little to show for myself in terms of social life, career or romance. My body was a mess. My heart and mind were traumatized, and I had to learn how to manage myself and live in my life. Even though I don't want what some want, and I don't value what some value, it can be difficult to feel zero judgement from self or other.

My birthday has been secondary to the amnesia scare. Seeing my mother disoriented, and initially fearing a stroke or alzheimer's really put me on my ass. My initial fear-reaction was that she was going to die, and that I was now "officially" alone. What if I would have had to be her caregiver? Would I have been able to cope? 

I know this is a normal fear. I feel though, that for me, and for folks who are socially withdrawn or struggling with mental/health issues it's just, more. The well-adjusted people in my life have partners. They have friends. They have plans. They have careers. Savings. I'm not quite there yet. My living at home has kept me in this child-like, dependent space. This experience highlighted my desire to have my own space, so that when my mother passes, my home doesn't fall apart. But, it also got she and I talking about what she wants, and what her fears are. Would she be more comfortable in a duplex with me? Separate but close? We both need to assess what we want, and talk about it.

I feel like 2016 is going to be a big year. There will be a lot of movement. For now I'm still tired and trying to take care of myself as best I can. Being in the emergency room with my mother for nearly 24 hours violently shook the importance of health into me. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, and am really trying to focus on taking care of myself from a kinder, more loving space.

I'm a wittle sick baby.

I went to bed with wet hair (not unusual) and woke up with a sore throat. I think I have a cold. I'm not too bad, per se, I'm just slightly sick. So far.

My barometer is pretty high, since throughout university and then art school every winter break I would get strep throat, with the exception of the year I got pneumonia. It's always my throat (blame it on bulimia) and it's usually when vacation time comes around and I try to relax.

I went to bed early last night and watched a few episodes of Jessica Jones and then passed out. I've been taking echinacea, so hopefully I can avoid a full-out sickness thing. I also got the flu shot this year, so ideally I'll avoid that shit show. I can't afford to miss that much work. Nothing is actually happening at work, I just can't afford it.

It just takes so much energy to stay "on top of" trying to take care of myself that whenever I hit a snag, I feel like a useless baby. You know when you see a baby get so frustrated over something seemingly tiny? I feel like that. I drop a paper clip, and it's like, WHY DOES LIFE HATE ME SO MUCH.

Especially lately, with Christmas less than a month away, I have a lot more outgoing money and I am poor to the max. My credit card is maxed out. Living pay-check to pay-check right now is not pretty. There's a lot more of that transferring-over-4$-to-my-credit-card-because-it's-better-than-nothing kind of thing going on.

I just feel useless.

When I interact with other humans I know, I just wanna lay around and have people talk to me like a baby. I have no energy. Once home I just want to go to bed. If I were on my own right now I'd just be eating toast three times a day.

In 3 weeks, I'll have paid off my loan. In January I'll begin putting money aside in liquid/accessible form, so I can save up for a couch and major appliances. I should need at least 5,000$. So I'll have a small down-payment, and money for costs. Ideally I'll be able to line everything up for this spring/summer. If I put away 200$ a pay-check, I'd have 2,200$ for May 2016. 

Ideally I'd be able to add whatever tax return I get to that. What does that give me? 3 grand? Still not enough. I guess I can get a place and wait to get a couch. Christ.

So, that's "the plan" for now. It's a plan. I just wish I had been better with money sooner, instead of pissing my 20's away wishing I was dead. Didn't really set myself up for an established 30-something-life.

I'm trying to walk up a hill, and seeing people whiz by me, and I'm pissed about it right now. Maybe not so much pissed, but exhausted. I'm exhausted by my consistently up-hill struggle.

Good days and bad days. Tired days. Lots of tired these days.

The value of "mental health days."

Check out A Call For Sick Days To End Mental Health Stigma over at The Establishment.

Author Katie Klabusich lives with Dysthymia, anxiety and ADHD. She and I seem to have a similar experience, in that we've only recently been able to seek proper medical treatment in our 30's: 

So that’s what I have: a low-grade, persistent depression that rears its head now and again. I don’t really think about it much. I maybe have five to 10 total days a year where I’m affected by this particular issue—it’s hard for me to be precise because I’ve only had treatment for any of this north-of-the-neck stuff for about a year (#ThanksObama) and it’s all affected by life circumstances as well as brain chemistry. That’s part of the fun—mental illness is mostly unpredictable, even if it’s the sort that can be mitigated.

Mental illness often lives in an unpredictable space yes, but the way it continues to inform your decisions in a "what if?" "better be safe than sorry" takes shape in the form of self-diagnosed limitations and worst case scenario planning.

In Klabusich's case, she talks about the struggle of taking a sick day when overwhelmingly exhausted. Like many in the creative field, she finds it very difficult to feel validated in taking time off, and her working freelance makes that even more difficult, since there is no real structure to support that right.

Often with mental illness, it's difficult to describe the physical toll - often akin to a flu or exhaustion - that we deal with.

After I posted about my sick day, supportive comments rolled in across social media. Some from family and friends who deal with illnesses of their own and appreciated my making a point of not just taking a sick day, but describing it as such. It felt warm and validating, like a fuzzy blanket, as I rightfully gave my body a break. 

Then I caught a comment congratulating me for exercising “self care” and was jarred awake. 

Self care—while an extremely important part of activism, working for yourself, and any profession that requires you do emotional work—had nothing to do with my sick day. It felt condescending and incorrect. I had an actual physical response to seeing the words.
Wine is self care. Reading a book is self care. Hiking in nature is self care. A massage is definitely self care. 

Me spending the majority of a 48-hour stretch in bed unable to function? That’s not self care. That’s called being sick.

This.

And when you call it self care, you’re downgrading what I’m going through to a level you are comfortable with. Because you aren’t comfortable picturing me with a mental illness. That’s your issue and I don’t appreciate having it projected onto me. I am not here to make you feel comfortable with my illness.

...

When you mischaracterize what I’m going through for your comfort, you are absolutely invalidating the work I do every day to get well AND asking me to do the additional emotional labor of hiding my illness so you don’t get any of it on you. People who deal with chronic illness, long-term poverty, or both already do a massive amount of that labor to keep things hidden—not necessarily for their own comfort, but for yours. Asking more of them is greedy. So stop it. 

Now, lest I be misunderstood . . . yes, OF COURSE, people with chronic conditions need to exercise self care. We should do SO MUCH of it. Like every day. It should be on our calendars like required tasks. 

Here’s the difference: it’s something we should be doing to prevent sick days.

I seem to basically be quoting the entire article. Please see the original.

I struggle with sick days. I have no problem taking them when I'm physically ill. If I have a stomach flue or a throat infection, I feel I'm justified and that I can easily prove my illness.

With mental illness I often feel I need to lie. I say it's a stomach flu or food poisoning. First, my office doesn't have sound HR policies, or anyone at work I feel safe speaking honestly to. There are also very vague sick-day policies. There isn't more generalized language, like "personal day" - which is used in some professions. Second, I'm afraid these things could be used against me. If I take a "mental health" day 6 times a year, well that's 6 times more than someone who isn't mentally ill.

It's difficult. My sensitivity/self-esteem around my mental illness coupled with my shitty work experiences still leave me worried about being fired. Which then plays into my fears regarding my ability to take care of myself.

Klabusich's article proudly says how hard it is, but that she's taking care of herself, and that's to be commended. I agree. I just don't feel the HR policies are in place to assist that, and that work-culture still has a long way to go.

It's added work. It's taking care of yourself, plus navigating a system that doesn't take you and what you need into consideration.

How stress affects your body.

How Doctors Take Women's Pain Less Seriously.

Interesting article over at The Atlantic on the sexism of hospitals and the medical system. Basically how women's pain is often under-estimated, belittled, or goes ignored altogether. It's what's referred to by Rachel, the author's wife as  “the trauma of not being seen.”

Check out How Doctors Take Women's Pain Less Seriously.

I've had little to no personal experience in being hospitalized. My best friend however, had a scare two summers ago and tried her best to describe how demoralizing and patronizing her experience was. She still has so much trouble talking about it, and her experiences in general (she is chronically ill).

My experiences are housed in the mental illness / family doctor wing of the medicalization complex.

Regardless - the medical industrial complex is a patriarchal, capitalist system (even in Canada) and thus only really serves men, whiteness and money. There are exceptions to the medical system, but there is also the rule.

I can't sleep on a treadmill.

I'm trying to figure out an exercise routine I can commit to with my schedule / exhaustion. I'm so so tired, thinking about it just seems impossible. I also have to think about budget, location (if it's a class or gym) and where I would go. I understand the need to exercise, and I miss it, I really do. I'm just so tired.

This is pretty much me right now. I'm getting sleepy , just thinking about it. I want to rest as much as I can this weekend.

The great gif illustrations are by Sydni Gregg's Comfort Zone. The above one is called melon-choly.

Depressed! Incensed! Inflamed!

My buddy J sent me an article about the link between inflammation and depression. The article is pretty revolutionary for me. The article over on Feel Guide, New Research Discovers That Depression Is An Allergic Reaction To Inflammation points to, well, you can probably tell by the title of the article. They kind of let the cat out of the bag while announcing, "We're letting this cat out of this bag!"

The article also re-directs to the following articles:

Depression May Be Caused by Inflammation over on Nova. Nova's Tim De Chant
 starts by contextualizing inflammation and depression.

Inflammation is our immune system’s natural response to injuries, infections, or foreign compounds. When triggered, the body pumps various cells and proteins to the site through the blood stream, including cytokines, a class of proteins that facilitate inter-cellular communication. It also happens that people suffering from depression are loaded with cytokines. Which has some scientists thinking that depression may be a side effect of inflammation.

Is Your Diet Making You Anxious or Depressed? over at Kripalu points to inflammation as a key ingredient to well-being, and fingers processed food as a major culprit to said inflammation and anxiety.

Could Depression Actually Be Nothing More Than an Allergic Reaction? over at Vice:

The thesis is simple: Everyone feels like shit when they're sick. That ennui we feel when we're unwell—listlessness, lack of enthusiasm, troubled sleep, tearfulness, and a general feeling of wading through tar—is apparently known among psychologists as "sickness behavior." Our bodies are pretty intelligent, see—they behave this way so that we stop, lie still, and let our system fight whatever infection of virus has us croaking for Gatorade on the couch. 

These kinds of emotional responses are also typical of depression, though. So, scientists are asking: If sick people feel and act a lot like depressed people, might there be a link?

The majority of the heavy lifting was done by Caroline Williams in Is depression a kind of allergic reaction? over at The Guardian UK. She quotes George Slavich, a clinical psychologist at the University of California in Los Angeles early on:

"I don’t even talk about it as a psychiatric condition any more,” he says. “It does involve psychology, but it also involves equal parts of biology and physical health.”

This could absolutely change the way depression is treated. The following bit was especially poignant for me:

Add this to the fact that stress, particularly the kind that follows social rejection or loneliness, also causes inflammation, and it starts to look as if depression is a kind of allergy to modern life – which might explain its spiralling prevalence all over the world as we increasingly eat, sloth and isolate ourselves into a state of chronic inflammation.

I've often thought of depression as an allergy to modern life.  Especially when paired with anxiety. It seems generations are increasingly depressed and anxious. This is no doubt correlated to something.

Though some in these articles focus on inflammation as a body-based reaction, there's still the issue of diet that can't be ignored:

A diet rich in trans fats and sugar has been shown to promote inflammation, while a healthy one full of fruit, veg and oily fish helps keep it at bay. Obesity is another risk factor, probably because body fat, particularly around the belly, stores large quantities of cytokines.

This speaks to me, my being fat, and my less than stellar diet. It doesn't paint a whole picture though. I've also gone through period of being very healthy and being terribly depressed.

The good news is that the few clinical trials done so far have found that adding anti-inflammatory medicines to antidepressants not only improves symptoms, it also increases the proportion of people who respond to treatment, although more trials will be needed to confirm this. There is also some evidence that omega 3and curcumin, an extract of the spice turmeric, might have similar effects. Both are available over the counter and might be worth a try, although as an add-on to any prescribed treatment – there’s definitely not enough evidence to use them as a replacement.

This will be interesting to discuss with my Dr. I'm going to mail him a copy of the article (snail mail because he's at a weird old-school office! What fun!).

I think the most promising bit of all this (other than my projecting to a future where I'm not in so much psychological pain) is that Carine Pariante, a psychiatrist from Kings College London estimates we're 5 to 10 years away from a blood test that could measure inflammation in depressed folks. This could help so many people, so easily.

There's more to it, we'll know more eventually - if there's such thing as a cure, does it make it easier to hang on? I think so.

The Dr. Scavenger Hunt.

Yesterday was an interesting day. After the Doctor-debacle of 2015, I finally went out to Montreal-West to see Dr. Rishi. First, I don’t go West, so bus'n along Monkland was nice, it’s a really nice area. It’s all brownstones and anglos, it’s like being in another world.

I took the afternoon off of work, since my appointment was at 1:45 and google estimated about an hour for me to get there. I waited nearly an hour past my appointment time, but any annoyance washed away when Dr. Rishi saw me and said hello. He’s so jovial.

Any-who. . . The appointment went well. He informed me of his plans, he’ll be starting his own family practice with 4 other doctors, and it’ll be located in Westmount. This’ll be convenient for me since I can walk over when it’s nice (still about a 30 minute walk) and I can take the subway if I’m pressed for time. Either way it’s accessible from work.

I ended up talking with Dr. Rishi for over an hour. We talked about my depression, and we made a plan. We’re trying stronger meds, and he’s booked a phone consult for me and a nurse who might be able to get me some free therapy. I don’t think it’ll happen, since it’s a CLSC that’s outside of my service zone, but he’s going to try and make it happen. Side-note: The CLSC is called Benny Farm, which is insane sounding to me. It makes me think of Benny Hill (an observation Dr. Rishi actually got, and we laughed about) and also a farm where maybe Ben Affleck goes to get away from it all.

Meanwhile, I contacted the Argyle and I would be charged 50$ an hour for therapy there. So that’s an option too. I'm going to check it out.

You know, I'm kind of surprised by how much better I felt after seeing Dr. Rishi. There’s a French expression that says someone feels prise en charge which means, when literally translated being taken into someone's charge (like back-in-the-day English where a charge was a kid you took care of). Although it probably comes from this type of history, today we usually use it in a positive context, it means being handled, and you or a situation being taken care of. 

Well, I never feel that way, so yesterday was an odd sensation for me. He said his priority is my depression right now, and then we'll go into overall health. We also talked about what the St-Mary's Doctors thought about me, and he said they felt I could totally handle myself and that I seemed mildly to mid-level depressed. 

This irritated me, and I explained how I feel my verbosity and funny-nature (and big fat round face/head) often masks the intensity of my depression. My being able to talk circles around what I'm feeling often leads me to talking myself away from how dark my thoughts can be. My funny, absurd nature can also just detract from what I'm feeling and just leave people with a different impression of me than what might be needed for me to be read as "seriously depressed." He got that. 

I mean, the guy makes me sound like a dullard. He's well spoken, clear, and very quick. He's super charming, so he was able to understand that aspect of representation versus internalization. 

I also mentioned that other than "suicidal ideation" there is very little follow-up for mental health. Planning a suicide, an actively pursuing your death is a crisis. But, wishing you were dead all the time is a slow painful way to be. 

I have to go out and get my new meds, and then Dr. Rishi wants to see me in a few weeks. Once I talk to the nurse he referred me to, and I have a few weeks of meds in me. 

Overall I'm happy that . . .

1. I found him (I didn't hallucinate getting a GP).
2. He is still practising and wanted me as a client / I can follow him.
3. My first impression of him was correct, he's kind, funny, warm and I can really talk to him he also seems to like me, which is nice. I like when people like me. 

I feel hopeful, which is so god-damn rare I can't even.