Who Gets To Be The “Good Schizophrenic”?

Check out Who Gets To Be The “Good Schizophrenic”? by Esmé Weijun Wang over on Buzzfeed. I saw this make the rounds a while ago but I've only today had the time to read it properly. 

It’s kind of nice that I read this today, since I've been really pre-occupied with work stress. Wang talks about being able to work a 9 to 5 as a benchmark for being a functional mentally ill person. Things at work for me are sketchy. They don’t have enough work for me, so I keep losing hours. But I’m also exhausted and I just don’t know what to do.

2013 was also the year that I surrendered my last benchmark of sanity, otherwise known as my full-time job at a fast-paced start-up company. For years, holding down an office job had been what I believed sincerely, and perhaps a bit desperately, separated me from others of my ilk, but I stepped away from my 9-to-5 because my job, despite its accommodations and allowances, exacerbated my illness.

It’s so difficult to identify what is a “bad day” and what is a job that isn't right for me. There’s also the stress of needing to work. I need an income. I am not on disability, and from what I understand I wouldn't qualify. For years I was trying to get an official diagnosis, but nothing has really changed, and I still feel like there are parts of me that transition and evolve. I have periods of heightened anxiety. Periods of deep depression. Periods I feel manic. Periods I feel despondent and sub-human. There are days I cannot focus. I can’t actively listen. I have trouble focusing my eyes. It’s just a shit show sometimes.

In Blue Nights, Joan Didion remarks, “I have not yet seen that case in which a ‘diagnosis’ led to a ‘cure,’ or in fact to any outcome other than a confirmed, and therefore an enforced, debility.” Living under the shadow of a new “code” bore no curative function, but it did imply that to be high-functioning would be difficult, and it warned me that to live beyond that code would be a tricky gambit. A therapist had already told me in my mid-twenties that I was her only client who was able to hold down a full-time job. Having a job, among psychiatric researchers, is considered one of the major characteristics of being a high-functioning person.

I don’t consider myself high-functioning. I'm functioning. But I'm exhausted and it takes all of my energy.

Read Wang's piece. Schizophrenia doesn't get much representation, and when it does it's usually used to put other mental illness struggles "into perspective." 

The more representation there is of living with and working with mental illnesses, the more there will be an understanding of flexible work-lives, different strengths, and ideally there will be a societal conversation regarding working conditions and ways of supporting the mentally ill and listening to what they need to work and support themselves. Ourselves.

Assumptions about schizophrenia.

Two important take-aways from this list of important points about those living with schizophrenia:

Numerous studies have shown that people with major mental illnesses are more likely to be the victims of violent crime than the perpetrators.

 It's a huge misconception that schizophrenia is the same as dissociative identity disorder. These are two different disorders, but thanks to Hollywood and the media, people have come to believe that schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder are the same thing. While schizophrenia in Latin means "of two minds," it does not mean there are two different personalities inside of us. We have psychosis. This means that the main facet of schizophrenia is the belief that we see or hear or experience things that are not there. Whether it's a delusion or a hallucination or paranoia, the main thing is that we are experiencing something which isn’t real. Sometimes we don’t know this fact and, because of that, we tend to get confused about things.

Check it out on Psychology Today.

Mental illness while Black.

The Intercept has a piece up about the unnecessary shooting of a young black man suffering from some type of psychotic break. Elwood White was 22, and while visiting a family friend began putting rocks in his pockets and acting out violently while yelling "Help me!" and "It wasn't me!" He punched his friend, then ran towards a busy intersection where he ransacked a shop and then threw a cinder block through the window of a truck. 

The descriptions of that day, from bystanders and police officers involved, paint a pretty clear picture of someone in crisis, who would most likely still be alive if they had been a white woman. 

In the absence of good data, we’re left with what research tells us about policing and race and policing and mental illness. Experts say no research exists that examines the overlay of race and mental illness in confrontations with law enforcement.

A lot of the stories I'm hearing about someone suffering from a mental illness being shot by police show how little training cops are getting. They rarely walk into the situation as a crisis situation. A defensive/hostile position is the default approach. Of the stories I've seen, all those who died were either Black or Native. 

As described by the article:

This means that a 22-year-old black male who’s throwing rocks at cars, ransacking a minimart and wielding a broken broom handle will likely be perceived as more dangerous than a 45-year-old white woman engaging in the same behavior, said Seth Stoughton, a University of South Carolina law professor and former police officer who studies law enforcement training and tactics, “not because of conscious racism, but because of the implicit biases that shape [police] perceptions of that call or that encounter. At an unconscious level, that officer’s brain may be telling his mind, It’s unusual for a 45-year-old white woman to be engaging in this behavior, so unusual that this is probably a symptom of mental illness. At the same time, the officer’s brain may be telling his mind, at an unconscious level,This seems like violent crime that young black adults have committed in the past that I, as an officer, am familiar with, so it’s probably that.”

So why isn't there more training regarding mental illness? 

What goes along with the training for 5150's?

Surely, interaction with the mentally ill is a part of the daily life of police officers, there is a disproportionate amount of mentally ill folk living on the streets. 

Research shows that the less experience an officer has in dealing with someone who’s mentally ill, the more likely the officer is to view that person as a threat. Training in this area tends to be minimal, with most officers getting no more than eight hours of academy training, according to a recent survey conducted by the Police Executive Research Forum.

Elwood White was only 22.  According to his family he made a comment to his father about hearing voices only weeks earlier. It's possible he was in the midst of some type of schizophrenic break. As soon as officers approached him, and heard him (literally) cry for help, alarm bells should have rung. 

The court case that followed White's death clarified the wrong-doing of the officers involved. But policies have not changed. 

It's just another example of a system with little to no understanding of those suffering from a mental illness, coupled with a systems clear prejudice towards black males. 

Daniel Johnston.

Wow.

I e-mailed out to a bunch of good friends asking them to keep me in mind when it comes to art, news, memoirs or anything remotely related to mental health, neurotypical privilege, stress, sensitivity, really anything relating to mental wellness and living with pain or just on how hard life is. I have a lot of engaged friends. So I might get a link to something I never would have seen otherwise.  

My friend G, referred me to Daniel Johnston. In her words:

You have to know the work of daniel jonhston, an American musician and composer who suffers from schizophrenia. I'm a big fan of the album Hi, how are you? If you're not too familiar with the guy just watch the movie on him. It's called The Devil and Daniel Johnston. I saw it twice and it just gets better. The guy is a great great deep human being, with a lot of mental struggles.

I'm listening to his Hi, how are you? album now on youtube. I'm blown away. It's just so surreal. But sweet. But dark sometimes.

"Get yourself together or fall apart."

"Running water, where are you running from?" 

You can check out Daniel's official website. He's had a prolific career, there are numerous albums, and links to a bit of his art, but seems to be under construction.

I'm going to try and find the commentary on-line somewhere, I doubt my local video store would have it.

I'm onto his 1990 album now. 

I also found an interview he did with Nardwuar. He sings around the 6-minute mark. 

His tiny desk concert on NPR is really great. 

"All of your dreams are probably pretend." 

"The angel of death is taking you for a walk." 

Man oh man, what a discovery. Thank you G. A new discography to discover. 

On being depressed and on the job market.

Nearly two years ago I was unemployed for nearly 7 months, the last month of which I was no longer covered by unemployment insurance. That experience left a deep scar in me, one that has me grateful for any employment, even underemployment, and that also had me questioning my ability to take care of myself. That last month was a really brutal time.

I was laid off from a graphic design position at an architecture and design firm. Though the lay-off was as kind as possible, I was sure I was being lied to. I remember that day. I left the office in the old port of Montreal, and walked all the way to Longueuil metro station, meaning I left the city, the island, and walked over the Jacques Cartier bridge. I remember calling my mom to tell her I lost my job and that I was going to walk as much as I could, and that I was currently on the bridge. Probably not the best time to call my mom. Probably scared the shit out of her. It was about a 2-hour walk, including cry-breaks.

I was so overwhelmed at the time, I felt that as long as I was walking, I was burning energy. And whatever energy I burned off, was energy I wasn't using to lose all hope.

Navigating unemployment was a mess. I’d never applied for unemployment before, and even though I was spending hours every day looking for work, I felt useless. I went on a few interviews, and every time I was told I was one of the final contenders, but not the final choice. It was a demoralizing 7 months, with the last month being one of the darkest periods of my life. I was stressed out, I was living with my mother who was also stressed out and nagging me incessantly.

I dyed my hair lavender blond during this time and she freaked out. She screamed at me. To her I assume it meant I didn't care about finding work. To me it was something to make me feel alive, and present, and like I was trying. I ended up staying with a friend for a few days, never having fought with my mother that way before. It wasn't really a fight. She just screamed something incoherent and then we both cried.

It can’t be easy being my mother.

I saw an article this morning on The Atlantic about job hunting with schizophrenia, and it just triggered a lot of memories. When filling out job applications I’d always be tempted to identify as a person with a disability. Sometimes I feel that way. There are days of the month where I am fully incapacitated, is that not a reasonable link to make? I don’t know. I never have really, feeling my depression isn't “enough” to warrant the identifier. There was a period of my life where I was rendered completely socially paralysed by my anxiety. This remains a threat to me. There are days when I'm not able to function, where more understanding and flexibility from an employer would be helpful to me.

The article's main subjects mirror me:

"I need to work full time to reach that equilibrium of calmness,” says Armstrong, “and I need to be able to show up 10 minutes late when I feel a bit rocky in the morning and need to lie down with my relaxation tapes for a few minutes before I leave the house.” Muhammad, on the other hand, has no problems with mornings, and prefers part-time, rather than full-time work. “I just need enough time to unwind and rest, and make sure my work gives me purpose and lets me help other people,” Muhammad said.

Lately, I've been picturing myself working less. Ideally 4 days a week. It would give me more time to take care of myself. I could spend a day cooking without losing my weekend. We'll see what the next few years hold in terms of job security and (hopefully) condo costs, but it's a goal, and I think it would be good for me.

Looking back, it was just such an uncertain, dehumanizing time. Looking for work is so hard on a person's self-esteem. If you're depressed and that's already an issue, it's just all compacted. There I was, sitting in a creative agency board room, trying to talk about how creative and great I am, when really I felt none of it. I wonder if I reeked of hypocrisy and desperation. 

There was also the issue of navigating the unemployment system. Luckily for me, I had never been on unemployment before, so my initial experiences were positive. The Service Canada employees were kind and helpful, and said things like, "that's what we're here for." Eventually hat tone soured, and your inability to find work becomes increasingly suspect.

I think the hardest part (other than living with my mother while unemployed) was just communicating with people about being unemployed. Especially my being unemployed for such a long period of time.  Eventually people start assuming you're being too picky, or that you're not really trying. I have an excel sheet with over 200 entries. It doesn't matter though, there must be something you're doing incorrectly.

Eventually there are also calls for you to "just take any job" which sounds completely logical, and in most cases, it is. But there's something about already being depressed about my life and my situation that made my taking a job at Tim Horton's utterly disheartening. It's like it cemented by slow decline towards uselessness. That is not to say that this jobs have no value, and that working to have an income in order to live your life isn't sometimes the goal in itself - it's just I couldn't handle it. I couldn't see it that way. To me, returning to the service industry meant accepting that as a permanent fate. No doubt an example of all-or-nothing thinking. I couldn't see it as temporary. 

And when you do interview, there's the pain of being asked about your salary expectations and your desired working conditions. Try and talk about your value when you feel nothing but worthless. 

Near the 7-month mark I was so depressed and discouraged I ended up calling a suicide hotline. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I was of no use to anybody. I felt I had no value and no prospects and was just an absolutely failure. It was one of the most painful moments of my life.

Now that I have a job, it's still an issue. I don't have much vacation time, and I only have 5 sick-days/medical days. That isn't a lot when you tally up how many appointments I have. I worry if I take too much time off I'll get fired. I worry if I have too many bad days in a row, I'll get fired. I worry that on a day where I'm particularly despondent I won't react appropriately to a perceived emergency and be fired. There are days I have trouble focusing. I could be fired.

I struggle with my value daily. The work place is just another arena for that. It also happens to be an environment that uses value-based languages all day long. We are a salary. We are an hourly rate. Lay-offs are the results of pluses and minuses. We're worth our salary, or we aren't. It can be hard to really remove yourself from that method of thinking, since you need to engage it in order to make sure you're being compensated fairly. 

I've been where I am now since January 2014. It still doesn't feel stable. But I'm learning more and more about how a sense of stability if often false, and that really, the only sense of stability that exists is self-fostered. 

On neurotypical privilege.

Everyday feminism has this great web-comic on insider's view of schizophrenia. There are a few frames here, but check out the whole post.

The comic is by Christine Deneweth, whom you can follow on facebook. Googling the term also lead me to this Neurotypical Privilege tumblr and a "rant on neurotypical privilege."

It's a new term for me, but there are many kinds of privilege, and the concept of neurotypical privilege makes perfect sense to me. Although over the last few years I've been able to carve out a social circle that has an understanding of depression, anxiety and disability, I still have friends who have that neurotypical privilege, and for whom understanding me will never really be a possibility.

Usually, I'm pretty lost in my own shit. So I appreciate this post for calling me out on how there is privilege in being depressed, as at least it's a term that has increased visibility. Also, there's a ton of ignorance regarding schizophrenia.

My only experience with it is terribly tragic. My brother's best friend A (who was like another brother to me growing up) had a younger brother, S, who took his own life, gruesomely a few years ago. A was the one who found him. It was brutal on everyone. I think about S occasionally. The details of his suicide were so awful, what must it have been like to live in that? It just seems to painful.

I hope more and more comes out of the mouths of those of us living with whatever makes us "other" to the typical. Typicality is an illusion, and the more we share our stories the sooner that will become clear.