On makeup.

Lately, I've been wearing full-makeup. I have a face regimen. I use highlighter. Concealer. I am even trying to contour. I had started watching makeup tutorials a few months ago, just to start learning, and then Bell's Palsy hit. And, well, it really made me appreciate my face.

I've been taking the time to put on full-makeup, and I really feel like it's a type of psychological armour. Especially for going into the city to work.

My treatment is antidepressants and lipstick by Hafsa Guled reminded me of that.

I'm no makeup pro, I'm learning, and it's expensive as shit, but taking the time to take care of my skin, and trying to apply makeup in a way that makes me happy with the way I look, well, it's in the theme of self-love, or it's at lease parallel to it.

My face hasn't 100% healed, and I think a droopy eyelid and some uneven musculature in my cheeks/smile are my new normal, but my eye closes and I'm 90% healed, and I'm grateful for that.

Monday, after what happened in Orlando I put full-makeup on, hard. Contoured harder than usual, went full glam. It was just my way of getting extra-ready for the day.

It's just a cross-section between taking care of your skin but also giving yourself a little boost of self-confidence. I'm not saying it's necessary, but I'm saying for me, lately, it helps.

Face update.

I only have one official follower - hello you!

I thought I'd just take a minute and say my face is about 90% better. If you're not sure what I'm talking about, check out this post here, and then follow the bell's palsy label.

I've got some weakness on my right side. My muscles don't feel as present, or as strong as my left. They feel sleepy. I have some trouble right the right side of my lips, which I sense when I press my lips together, or put on lip balm.

Honestly though, I felt like a winner as soon as my eye could blink on its own. I took for granted how much the body does automatically, it really is its own ecosystem. I was closing my eye manually, and constantly putting drops in. I was very worried about damaging my cornea.

If you or someone you know ever wakes up with Bell's, here's what I did: I went to the ER, where I was prescribed a weeks worth of steroids / an eye patch. The first week I rested A LOT and slept 10 hours a night MINIMUM (I was also stressed and exhausted). I also used a "sac magique" or magic bag (a fancy bag of hot beans!) on my face nightly for the atrophied muscles. I kept the sleep up, and even now I've scheduled shorter work weeks in order to rest-up and try and heal 100%. It's a pretty scary thing! 

I hope none of you get it - but if you do, know it isn't that uncommon and in most cases it does go away!

I did a lot of research, but most of it scared me, since some cases last significantly longer, and some do have permanent muscle loss. 

From what I've read, it seems the most recent studies out of Japan are thinking it's a virus... But there's still no consensus - which is scary.

Our bodies are equal parts amazing and horrifying!

Not all here.

Last week wasn't good. Thursday I had my work review, and it was what I expected. Uninspired, and it just brought up a lot for me.

First, I feel like shit anyway. I feel useless and of little value these days, so having people talk on how I'm under-used and how I might have to "find stuff to do to keep busy" just made it worse. I know there are weeks I don't do much, but work-flow isn't my problem. I know I'm under-used. I know I'm over-qualified. I know I am not motivated. Things have been difficult lately. I mean, who am I kidding, things have been rough forever, I've only ever known them to be rough and they'll always be rough, but things seemed to be getting better, then my mom's amnesia, then vertigo, now bell's palsy.

I get these pockets of perspective where I feel things are possible and things aren't that bad, and it's all outlook, but then I just drown in, in me.

It was just a lot of information, and a lot of feelings, and a lot of things that just tugged up other things.

I got home Thursday totally over-whelmed and just, despondent.

Thursday night I was - not here. I was gone. Checked out. Unable.

I canceled all plans and spent this last weekend in the eastern township's at my brother's house.

I did little. I slept. I rested. I applied heat to my face. I spent time with the dog and the kids.

I'm back home, I have work tomorrow.

Tuesday I have an appointment with Dr. Rishi, so I took the day off.

I'm not all here. I drift in and out.

I don't know what to do these days. I feel insecure at work. I don't know if there's a future there for me. I don't know what that means financially. I feel like I might need to start again.

I just get these waves of dread.

I've had these moments of deep thought, and felt the desire to write, to externalize it...

But I'm pulled away from myself. I'm distracted. I move in and out of myself. A gnawing in my gut reminds me I have a body, but I'm barely tethered to it.

(Half) facing it.

Not a great day today. Not the best of moods.

I'm tired, and last night I felt weird and off. My mouth tastes like metal because of the steroids, and I'm feeling slow.

I don't know what's to be expected and what's psycho-somatic.

The prognosis on Wikipedia also mentioned how earlier healing is a good sign, so I'm well aware if things don't start improving in the next two weeks, things could be long for me. A co-workers buddy had it for over 9 months. That's significant. From Wikipedia:

Most people with Bell's palsy start to regain normal facial function within 3 weeks—even those who do not receive treatment. In a 1982 study, when no treatment was available, of 1,011 patients, 85% showed first signs of recovery within 3 weeks after onset. For the other 15%, recovery occurred 3–6 months later. After a follow-up of at least 1 year or until restoration, complete recovery had occurred in more than two-thirds (71%) of all patients. Recovery was judged moderate in 12% and poor in only 4% of patients.Another study found that incomplete palsies disappear entirely, nearly always in the course of one month. The patients who regain movement within the first two weeks nearly always remit entirely. When remission does not occur until the third week or later, a significantly greater part of the patients develop sequelae. A third study found a better prognosis for young patients, aged below 10 years old, while the patients over 61 years old presented a worse prognosis.

 Also, some "facts" according to Canada.com Health:

• Men or women of any age can suffer Bell's palsy, but statistics suggest that people aged 20 to 35 are at a slightly higher-than-average risk. 
• Your risk of experiencing Bell's palsy in our lifetime is about 1 in 60.
• Japanese research has found that 80% of cases can be traced to the common virus called herpes simplex 1, the virus that causes cold sores. The virus infects the seventh cranial (facial) nerve, which helps control the muscles associated with facial expression. As the nerve swells up, it starts to malfunction.
• There is no known way of preventing Bell's palsy.

I guess it helps as I read more and as I am more informed. Sometimes I read articles that are like, "it's so temporary and you'll see improvements in 3-4 weeks!" But other times it's stories like, "I had it for over a year, my face never fully healed, and now I have synkinesis, and crocodile tear syndrome." So it's kind of a crap shoot.

So, synkinesis is when the new nerve paths make links to other nerves while regenerating, so every-time you might smile, your eye might blink, or curve a certain way.

And Crocodile Tear Syndrome, from what I understand, would mean tearing up when hungry, or when eating. For some reason this is kind of funny to me. I guess it depends how bad it would be. It's just kind of absurd as a chubby girl, to cry when you're hungry. 

Speaking of that, being chubby and hungry that is, the steroids are making me rage-hungry. Not in a craving kind of way, in a real "I need to eat" kind of way.  

I'm trying to up my water intake too, I'm always thirsty. 

Today I have my yearly work review, which, let's face it, will be awkward and hard. I was worried about it before, since I've been waiting for a raise for 2 years, and now I'm impaired and not really able to work as much or as hard so it's hard to feel justified in expecting a living wage. 

It's weighing on me. I'm looking forward to it being over, but I'm so tired, and I'm worried about "rolling over" to not being compensated properly. I also just really don't know what to expect since there have been so many changes company-wide. I've been where I am for over 2 years, and it's been rock and roll since I got here. Lay-off's and retirements and buy-outs and project cancellations and big contracts and drama, and I just don't feel secure. 

Work stress and money stress do not help. But they've been constant since my lay-off prior to this job. It's not a great job economy and I know I'm lucky to have a job, even if I'm under-used and over-qualified. I don't make good money, but I do make some, and that's not nothing.

I know I don't have to be grateful for what I have, but it's hard for me not to be. I am. It could always be worse. It's a mentality that gets me through, and it's hard to see things otherwise. 

It could always be worse. 

I Can't Feel (half of) My Face.

Technically this is incorrect. I can indeed feel my face, I just can't move it.

Last night I went to bed earlier, before 9 pm, I think it helped. A few colleagues who hadn't been in yet this week saw me today, so I've done the introduction to society bit, just like a débutante!

My mom is coming into the city today, we're going to go for lunch and meet with our tax guy to sign our tax returns for 2015. Fingers-crossed I get a decent return this year, it would be nice.

Pray for my tiny pile of money! Well, it's a bit of a hole now, so maybe pray that it be less of a hole and more of a wee pile.

Help me gods I don't believe in! Help me Tom Cruise!

Well, it’s been weird (like my face).

Well, it’s been weird.

I decided to buck-up and go into work. Sitting at home was just going to further along my narration of feeling sorry for myself. Besides, it’s not like I have tons of vacation days and am making enough money to actually take time off. So, I came into work.

I figured I need to work, I need the pay-checks, it would be good to get out of the house, and there’s no telling how long I’ll be living with Bell’s palsy for, so I might as well live as if it’s my new normal. And honestly, it hasn't taken that long for it to be my “new normal.” It's what I've got right now.

I was the first in the office, and the next two architects in were quick to notice and ask me about it. One got pretty upset, which upset me. I guess it’s kind of upsetting to see me. I look sad I think. I'm like a puppy in a cast. Only I'm a grown human woman with a half-paralysed face.

I decided to send an e-mail out to my co-workers, explaining what happened and linking to the Bell’s palsy wiki. I mean, you can’t not notice, so at least this way people might answer their own questions. A few people I’m closer to were more upset, and were pretty empathetic.

Overall, it went well, it just takes a lot of energy to manage people’s reactions. I got upset once, and it was Monday morning talking to one of the senior architects who just looked so sad. I was saying that Friday and Saturday had been hard on my morale, and I choked up a bit.

I'm lucky to have had Friday in the hospital and the weekend to adjust. It has helped me adjust, and just kind of accept it. I felt sorry for myself, but that got old fast enough.

Eating lunch is hard, so I try and take it slow to not be gross. I drink with a straw I brought in. I don’t buy plastic straws anymore ever since watching a video of a sea turtle with a straw up his nose.

My right eye has started twitching, and I'm tired. I'm going to have to try and sleep more, and rest the eye more. It's going to be an adjustment. Daily, I guess.

Navigating the world with an eye-patch on has been something. First, I look like a pirate. But I also wear black a lot so I look like an assassin pirate I guess. It affects my depth perception. And I can't really smile. Walking around it has a nice "fuck off leave me alone" quality. But sometimes I don't want to look that way. Sometimes I want to smile. 

I went to the Kiehl's store yesterday to pick up a moisturiser I had sampled the week before my paralysis. I got the same sales rep, who was quick to be like, "You weren't paralysed last week!" Which, in fairness, I wasn't.

The other sales girls were really curious about it.

To be honest it's kind of socially interesting to see people's reactions. People really internalize it. There are some people who have really big, deep reactions. Some are clearly terrified at the thought of waking up disfigured, even if it's promised to be temporary. Some look disgusted. Worried. Some are disbelieving. People want to know why and how they can avoid it. 

To be clear, it isn't promised to be temporary. There can be lasting effects, and I'm still learning about them. But, it's still early days and I'm overwhelmed as it is so I'm trying to take it slow.

All of this reminds me of an article recommended to me on how not saying the wrong thing when you're interacting with someone going through something difficult. Apparently this is known as "ring theory." 

The illustration is by Wes Bausmith, sourced from the LA Times article.

So, according to this theory, if you're communicating "inward" (towards the person or people who are more directly affected by the illness or trauma) you're meant to be comforting. If you're looking to "dump" on someone, or "complain" and make it about you, it should be to someone who is further out from the centre of that trauma. 

The closer that person is to the bullseye (as compared to you) the more supportive you should be. 

It's a great theory. I think that there are some people who are so innately self-centred and anxious that they're unable to truly empathize outside of themselves. So presenting this theory to someone who is a narcissist, won't change that.

It's been interesting to see peoples reactions. Who says something supportive? Who can't get past what my situation would mean to them? It seems that friends who are more likely to be described as being good looking, or who would self-identify as their looks being important to them, have taken it really hard. They have big reactions. I'm guessing for them, they can't imagine going out and living a life that's disfigured. 

Being pretty has never been an identifier for me. It's not even in my top 10. But for someone who whom it's in the top 3, I can see how it would really shake them.

I think most reactions have been because I look sad. I look like I'm frowning and I'm not wearing make-up and I just look sad. So people see me and reflect that. 

I think for a lot of people, it's potentially one of the worse "temporary" medical issues they can get since it's so visible and clear. 

For me my acceptance of this, is entirely reliant on whether or not this is indeed temporary. I say that, knowing full well, if this ends up permanent I have absolutely no recourse. I mean, I'm "accepting" this first and foremost because I have no real choice in the matter. And yes, it's easier to swallow if I tell myself it is most likely temporary, but this is all guesswork. It's a great way to sooth the worries of others. I get to say, "it's supposed to be temporary."

I understand that for some it might seem obvious that it's temporary, and that it could clear up in weeks, but in the research I've seen, and in the stuff I've read so far, there does not seem to be two cases alike. I saw a 4-week heal rate in someone very young, and I've seen cases drag on over a year, with very slow progress. Some people do have permanent impairments. I've read of people going through acupuncture and referring to it as a miracle cure, like I've seen people say they went to 10 sessions and had no change. Wikipedia is saying it's mainly treated with steroids, but for now it doesn't even seem like studies are conclusive on its efficacy. 

It could be inflammation based. It could be stress based. It could come from a virus. It could a lot of things. It's described as being a diagnosis of "exclusion" in that it's not a stroke and it's not B, C, or D, thus it's Bell's palsy. 

For now it's just a ton of questions and just trying to figure things out while resting because I'm exhausted and impaired. My eye has been twitching a lot. I get muscle pain in my under jaw, like right in my mouth/jaw. 

My mom wanted to treat me last night so we had turkey burgers with bacon in it. I was eating it like a bird with the side-hole of my mouth, the only part that works. It was kind of bananas. I feel like one of those impaired background players in an Adam Sandler movie. You know, one of his buddies he casts in all his films, to act dumb and usually back-watery. I laugh out of the side of my mouth and just want to make it even weirder by completely changing my physical comedy. 

It's been weird.

It's been absurd, really.

Hells bells (palsy).

Well, what the fuck. If this my life?

I woke up yesterday with a numb mouth. I thought I slept on my face weird, and went back to bed. When I woke up I had lost all control of the right side of my face. If I try and sip water, it falls out of the right side of my mouth. I tried to eat toast and couldn't properly bite into it, or taste it. My right eye doesn't close. And when I smile, only half of my face moves.

I called Info Santé (which is a free health-care question line, answered by registered nurses) and the nurse asked me some questions and had me test some other muscle functioning. I could grip my hands, and the paralysis seemed to only be of the face, but the nurse recommended I go to the closest emergency room.

Initially, I was worried about a stroke, I was worried about being permanently "disfigured," I was worried about not being able to drink coffee in coffee shops, bite into a tomato sandwich or you know, smile ever again. I have this lopsided smile that seems sarcastic and shitty at best.

So we headed to the ER, where I went through triage and was coded as a Priority 3. I ended up getting in there at about 4:00 pm, I saw a nurse, did some muscle tests,  an EKG and a blood pressure test. Turns out, I didn't have to take a blood test because 24 hours earlier (more on that later) I had been to my local CLSC (a community-based health centre) for another medical test, so they happened to have those blood samples on-site. I was given a bracelet and a wait number. After that, it was a long wait. I was re-evaluated once, to see if my stats changed, and then continued to wait.

I saw a doctor around midnight. She did further tests. She said it seemed to be Bell's palsy. She said in most cases it resolves itself within a month or two. It can go away in as little as a week. She also said it can be permanent (like with Jean Chretien) and there can be long-lasting after affects, that maybe only I would notice. And so I left there around 1 in the morning shaken and exhausted.

Today, I've been resting and just kind of a mess. I've texted some friends, since yesterday the only people who knew I was in the ER were my mother, brother and my friend S. I texted her then called her once I was through the triage process. Her mother is actually partially paralysed due to a malpractice at her birth (the woman birthing her wanted to wait for the doctor so she "pushed her back in" and broke her fucking neck).

I explained what was going on with my face, and said it was great to have this happen right before my work review - which is this week. I'll be eye-patched and slurring, so here's to hoping that plays in my favour for getting a fucking living wage.

I don't look forward to going to work on Monday. I'll need to wear my eye patch and explain to my boss and co-workers what's going on. What a shit show.

Not even two months ago it was vertigo! Now it's fucking Bell's palsy! What the goddamn fuck! Before that it was my mom's global amnesia! All of this in the last 4 months!

Is this what happens once you hit your 30's?

The last time I went to see Dr. Rishi, I mentioned this bump I have at the top of my shoulders at the base of my neck. It's known as a buffalo hump. He said it's in line with something called Cushing's syndrome, which I then looked up, and for which I have 90% of the symptoms. It's eery. Down to the big'ol moon face.

So, he had given me a prescription to go for a blood test, and do a 24-hour urine cortisol test. So, Thursday of this week I got up earlier and went in for the blood test and got the giant pee-pee jug. No joke. Giant.

So, before I could even complete those tests I got Bell's. The thing is, Cushing's deals with cortisol levels, and the test I was suppose to do does as well. So I guess I have to wait to be off the cortisol to then test my cortisol levels.

I left a message with Dr. Rishi, it's easter weekend, so he'll be back in on Tuesday. I said I had been in the ER and that I was diagnosed with Bell's palsy, and that I had questions about my urine test and stuff. Hopefully he'll call me quick on Tuesday.

I would hate for the cortisol derivative I'm taking to fuck with me even more if I do in fact have Cushing's.

Part of me was hopeful the urine/cortisol testing would bring back the Cushing's diagnosis so I can at least feel justified in my having lived with, and experienced these symptoms for real. At least I'd have an answer. Maybe I could look into treatment.

Well, there's a reason I haven't written much about it or mentioned it to most of my friends, I'm afraid of being too hopeful. I don't want to set myself up for disappointment.

All of this has been side-tracked of course, by my facial paralysis.

I face-timed with my brother, which was a great distraction.

Happily I got more supportive messages from my friends.

A couple of friends in particular were kind of on-the-nose about how I was feeling. Really in the "what the fuck" "are you fucking for real" vein. I guess having them reflect that back to me was nice, like, it's not just me, it's been a rough 4 months.

Feeling vindicated in how you feel is a comfort.

I'm lucky, I have some good friends.

It's taken me most of the day to just work around to sitting down and writing. Yesterday was rough. Today I have good moments and bad moments. I'm mainly with my mother, and she was with me since the hospital so there's no discovery of it for her. But going out, and not being able to smile at people, and being impaired in my speech is hard. 

It's still early days, so those around me are pushing that it's likely temporary. I hope it is. When I think about never being able to smile again, it's a lot. 

One day at a fucking time.