Nietzsche and trust.

I'm not upset that you lied to me,

I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. 

― Friedrich Nietzsche

A lot going on in my personal life this last week, I'll update as soon as I can.

Audre Lorde quote.

I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. 

Caring for myself is an act of survival. 

—Audre Lorde

Maya Angelou on success.

It's election day in America - it's all I'm thinking about. I'll no doubt be glued to the news for the foreseeable future.

As a distraction, this beautiful quote:

Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.
– Maya Angelou

When I think of success this way, I feel completely different about myself.

It's a process.

Van der Kolk on feeling safe and treating trauma.

Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives. 

– Van der Kolk

There's an interview with Bessel van der Kolk here. Van der Kolk is a Dutch psychiatrist noted for his research in the area of post-traumatic stress since the 1970s. He's also introduced as the medical director and founder of the Trauma Center at Justice Resource Institute and professor of psychiatry at the Boston University School of Medicine in an interview with psychotherapy dot net.

He talks about his work, and how his research posits that talk-therapy alone cannot treat trauma.

Of course, talking can be very helpful in acknowledging the reality about what’s happened and how it’s affected you, but talking about it doesn’t put it behind you because it doesn’t go deep enough into the survival brain.

He goes on ...

But there is a mistaken notion that trauma is primarily about memory—the story of what has happened; and that is probably often true for the first few days after the traumatic event, but then a cascade of defences precipitate a variety of reactions in mind and brain that are attempts to blunt the impact of the ongoing sense of threat, but which tend to set up their own plethora of problems. So, trying to find a chemical to abolish bad memories is an interesting academic enterprise, but it’s unlikely to help many patients. It’s a too-simplistic view in my opinion. Your whole mind, brain and sense of self is changed in response to trauma.

In the long term the largest problem of being traumatised is that it’s hard to feel that anything that’s going on around you really matters. It is difficult to love and take care of people and get involved in pleasure and engagements because your brain has been re-organised to deal with danger.

It is only partly an issue of consciousness. Much has to do with unconscious parts of the brain that keep interpreting the world as being dangerous and frightening and feeling helpless. You know you shouldn’t feel that way, but you do, and that makes you feel defective and ashamed.

Instead, Van der Kolk discusses other helpful methods to incorporate, including EMDR and body awareness (he uses Yoga in a lot of his work, and claims in 8-week yoga trials people felt significantly better):

Traumatised people often become insensible to themselves. They find it difficult to sense pleasure and to feel engaged. These understandings force us to use methods to awaken the sensory modalities in the person.

When asked about what research he's found promising lately, he highlights a few new areas of research:

Learning how to interpret quantitative EEGs allowed me to actually visualise what parts of the brain are distorted by traumatic experiences, and this can help us target specific brain areas where there is abnormal activity and where the problem actually is.

In another example, the frontal lobes of traumatised people often have activity similar to that of kids with ADHD, which makes it difficult to attend with the subtlety that we need to lead nuanced lives.

There is still so much work to be done regarding new treatments. Treatment is still being tested and quantified. There are different camps touting their own methods, and accessing any of it isn't always possible. I find it promising, and that's not nothing.

* The Establishment also has several articles on trauma and PTSD that were published today. *

Daniell Koepke quote.

Your needs don’t make you too much. They don’t make you selfish or weak or greedy — they make you human. We all have needs, and we all need to be able to communicate and honour them. Making your needs known isn't demanding or selfish. It’s about self-care. It’s about acknowledging your limits and creating a safer space for yourself. It’s about using your voice and speaking your truth. It’s about giving yourself permission to take up space. It’s about listening to your body and your heart and the most authentic parts of your being and honouring them. It’s about honouring yourself. And most importantly, it’s about giving yourself license to navigate the world in ways that allow you to cope and survive. 

— Daniell Koepke 

Abraham Maslow.

I looked up Maslow after being poked by this quote. Known for Maslow's hierarchy of needs, he was a member of the "positive psychology" school of thought, which focuses on the "positive" rather than the "negative" side of psychology.

Though I understand the value of positive psychology in some instances, generally I find it patronizing. It also further stigmatizes and belittles mental illness.

When applied to personal habits, or personal growth (as it would relate to Maslow's hierarchy) I can see how questioning our choices and understanding the possibility for change can be really powerful.

Sometimes I'll do something seemingly banal - I'll take a walk, take a different route, meet a friend for coffee unexpectedly - and I surprise myself in that moment, and in reflecting on it afterwards. I think to myself, well, that was nice. Surprisingly nice. I am a creature of habit. Of taking my small comforts where I can. I am also my own worst enemy, and getting outside of myself is often a welcome break.

It's hard to stay awake to that. It takes so much energy.

A hollow in the ground.

I've read several of Rebecca Solnit's books. She's one of my favourite authors. I came across this quote I took down from The Faraway Nearby:

The bigness of the world is redemption. Despair compresses you into a small space, and a depression is literally a hollow in the ground. To dig deeper into the self, to go underground, is sometimes necessary, but so is the other route of getting out of yourself, into the larger world, into the openness in which you need not clutch your story and your troubles so tightly to your chest.

Preach.

Made a prettier version, for sharing:

Rob Delaney.

I follow Rob Delaney on twitter, I have for a while. He's funny and plays off of machismo a lot. He also makes a lot of jokes about how disgusting out bodies are and how great that is.

If your response to calls for gun control is “Should we get rid of cars too?” the answer is, for you, yes. You should not have a gun or car.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 14, 2012

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, "people."

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 23, 2012

Which Mumford is the dad?

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 7, 2013

A few years ago he tweeted out about depression, which linked to a post on his Tumblr account. Read it. The text is concise and honest. He identifies as suffering from "unipolar depression" which is a term I'd never heard. My understanding is that it's depression. Bipolar being with the manic highs and lows, and unipolar being only the lows.

Delaney often re-tweets the Tumblr post, since he originally wrote it in 2010 (I saw it last year in 2014). He's clearly really successful now, and no doubt he wants to remind people of what he's survived, as a way to encourage others.

I just listened to his interview from a few years ago with Paul Gilmartin on The Mental Illness Happy Hour. He is really well-spoken, and he's been through the ringer. Both he and Paul talk about how shitty it is to be between medications, and how it's often a nightmare. That's something that isn't said enough. I recommend reading his Tumblr post, and listening to the interview.

Paul said this early on in the podcast, and it really poked me the gut. I often feel so irrecoverably broken. But on good days, I can see the light. And I have to hold on to that.

James Baldwin on the perpetuity of it.

Still defining depression.

There's an article over at The Atlantic today entitled Why Depression Needs A New Definition. The article peruses past and present namings of depression and their etymology.

In 1969, the American existential psychologist Rollo May wrote in his book Love and Will that “depression is the inability to construct a future,” while the cognitive psychologist Albert Ellis argued in 1987 that depression, unlike “appropriate sadness,” stemmed from “irrational beliefs”—“absolutistic, dogmatic shoulds, oughts, and musts,” he wrote—that left sufferers ill-equipped to deal with even mild setbacks.

I always find this interesting, because I'm driven to find language that aids the representation of suffering from depression. Context, and whom is defining depression (or any mental illness) is so important, and credibility (in my eyes) isn't necessarily based on a medical degree here. But, what is used by the medical community affects the legitimacy of my condition as well as the way I'm treated by the medical establishment.

The worry is that the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) is still vague when it comes to depression. There still seems to be a lot missing, and varying degrees of depression and a cacophony of symptoms are all given the same weight. As Tom Insel from The National Institute for Mental Health is quoted as saying in the article:

Unlike our definitions of ischemic heart disease, lymphoma, or AIDS, the DSM diagnoses are based on a consensus about clusters of clinical symptoms, not any objective laboratory measure.

Bruce Cuthburt (also from NIMH) adds:

Our current concept of depression is left over from times when we didn’t really understand it very much. We know so much more about it now—physically, genetically, neurochemically—and we should be using that.

It just seems like so much about mental illness is unknown. There is still so little fact regarding something I'm living with. I'm on meds - I'm on increasingly more meds. Will my generation be that who lived and died by depression the way people died flu's we now don't even think about? How much of what is being talked about as science and medicine is actually just the result of guess-work and lobbying?

Quotes: Martha Manning in Undercurrents.

All from Undercurrents.

Be kind, but take no shit.

Made by Lily, over here.

We're all alone, together.

Quote is from my About me section, which I just wrote. If Donald Trump can run for president I can quote myself as if I'm fucking important. If people are voting for that discharge maybe I'll end up quasi-famous for some unforeseen reason. Shit happens.

Fail Constantly.

Another gif from Adam J. Kurtz.



There's something about me, and a couple people I know, that often leads us to be paralysed by the notion of failure. It's as if it takes so much energy just to manage our lives, that working up the energy to try something, and then the added prospect of failure, just seems like an awful risk.

But this is a pro-failure post!

Failing at something means trying things! It means being open! Failing constantly means having the spirit and balls (or vagina) to go for it!

Let's all fail more! And be kind to ourselves for that failure! Let's try more! Failure doesn't have to be this massively heavy word! You tried to make a pie without a recipe. You failed. It sucked. Your family ate it anyway and now it's a story. Next time, don't fucking burn it. BOOM. Move on!

♥

Adam J. Kurtz's gif quotes.

Adam J. Kurtz, a designer and illustrator made gif versions of a couple sayings and quotes for when you're having a hard time. I really liked this one:

First of all, it's Canada Day and this has geese on it. Second, it's a nice, gentle reminder to not over-generalize, which is often a symptom of depressive thinking (I'm a failure vs. I failed this one thing).

I just took a look at the original post over on Buzzfeed, which includes some funnier ones. Some though, are pretty straight.

Quote: Bad vibes.

Saw this, attributed to unknown via smile through the pain:

Give yourself permission to immediately walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. Just trust what you feel.

Huzzah to this. Many of us, especially women and girls are quick to over-ride our instincts to "be nice" in situations where we might be scared for our safety. Let alone something more "minor" like being in a negative environment or having to tolerate someone's shitty comments. Let's all give ourselves more credit - and respect our instincts.

We have every right to say "no." We have every right to say "nah, I'm not into this."

I was born in 1984.

This may or may not have been meant to be funny, but I read this and laughed out loud. I believe the correct term is guffaw. I did one of those loud, boisterous Ha's!

You know you’re a 90's kid when you have no good source of income and want to die.

Original post.  I was technically born in 1984, but I was a child during the 90's, so I think this applies to me...

It's dark as shit but man did it make me laugh. Timing for me seeing this is perfect, as I'm going nuts racking my brain with what I should do with my "career" and what my next job-move (if any move at all) is best for me.

Who the fuck knows! Not me! I have no idea what to do!

Re-post: Raging Peacock on Tumblr.

From Gay for the Void / Raging Peacock on Tumblr.

[gets depressed because feels like a failure] [cant get stuff done because depressed]
this is some Good Shit right here

Blogger doesn't re-blog Tumblr posts. It's a nightmare.

On dominant thoughts and being "thought out."

Here we go:

Our life always expresses the result of our dominant thoughts. 

– Søren Kierkegaard

I came across this quote on some random quote-regurgitating Twitter feed. This is where gems are hidden these days…

Re-reading this quote now, weeks after I pasted it in what I affectionately call my “blog topics dump” text document on my google drive, I can’t help but think of that whole “the secret” fad. Remember that fad? Where you used a vision board to project into your own future?

Look, I can understand, logically, that the lens with which we perceive, sort, and react to the world directly affects that same lens (re-creating and enforcing itself).

Getting up, and being positive, and feeling that the world is nothing but possibilities, no doubt leads you to trying more things, and taking risks, and thus gaining more out of life. Alternatively, feeling downtrodden and crippled by life and its obstacles will lead you to remain on a more limited path.

So where does this leave me? If I'm struggling with my depression, and constantly (these days) thinking about my reality as a “depressed person” does that equate “dominant thought”? Right now, I would say it feels like it does.

I've felt, possessed by a hyper-tenderness to my depression. These last few weeks have been rough. I've been tired and just, so depleted. I equate it to feeling “talked out” only of my thoughts. I'm “thought out” of it. I've just been too aware, to sensitive, to worried, to engaged in access resources, too disappointed, too self-reflexive.

I'm thought out.

So if my dominant thoughts are now no longer if what ails me, but of how weary I am of it all, how thought out I am, what life is expressed? Is my life right now, the embodiment of a sigh?

Is that what I am today? A walking sigh?

*I shouldn't have to point-out that I don't own the rights to Peanuts... But I don't.

*sigh*

Tumblr: Black Girl + Mental Health.

While following the Twitter reports and conversations following the Charleston shooting last night, I followed a link that lead me to a blog called Black Girl + Mental Health.

I thought I'd share the link here. I'm not a black woman. I am however, not a racist white woman. I want to share this as a resource for POC who might find their way here. I also think that though race and racism play a particular role in the struggles of people of colour, those living with depression and anxiety have a similar internal struggle, words of encouragement to those living with mental illness are always appreciated, and should be circulated.

Race has been on my mind a lot lately. This whole Rachel Dolezal fiasco is a god-damn shit show. This article's title synthesizes what I've been feeling: Black Women Can Barely Make the News, But Rachel Dolezal Gets National Media. It makes no fucking sense that this is getting so much attention, and that the most coverage the Americas have had regarding race and racism is on a fucking white woman, when black man after black man has been murdered by cops on fucking video. It's just another example of re-centring whiteness. What the media is really saying is how much they can't believe someone would want to live the black experience in America. No doubt this story won't go away, and in the meantime we'll continue to be dealing with the media's disinterest in ongoing hate crimes and police-committed murders.

I wrote something on white supremacy and depression, and I'm trying to educate myself as much as I can, while also trying to be supportive and being mindful of the space I occupy. There aren't a lot of great resources out there for people living with mental illness, and when you compound that be adding the divisiveness of intersectionality, whether through race, culture, economics or gender and sexuality it becomes an exhausting quest to just get the smallest amount of help, or even just a kind word.

Mental health is the revolutionary political space for black people.
— The Real bell hooks (@bellhooks) May 7, 2015

I'm going to try and actively seek out resources and link to them here. There are a lot of supportive, powerful, wise voices out there, and we can all gain from hearing them.