"I started to accept my limitations, more than the possibilities."

Andy Richter had a short interview on Day 6 on CBC, and something he said really stuck with me. He was asked about his experience on Dancing with the Stars, as a comedian, and as an older guy (59), and about being a fan favourite. He talked about the transformation of his mindset and of his reality. Specifically, before accepting to join DWTS he says something along the lines of:

I had started to accept my limitations, more than the possibilities.

I think that's a quote that speaks a lot to me these days. The last few weeks, I've been thinking about what's been holding me back, and these days it feels like waiting for my incisional hernia surgery has been a big wall for me. I'm worried when exercising. I'm worried about hurting myself more or making it worse. I'm worried about how long I'm going to have to wait. I'm worried if it gets too bad, they won't operate. I'm anxious about it. I want a date. I want to know it's going to happen. 

Then, in talking with a friend bout 2026 and how it feels like it's going to be a big year, I thought about how nice it would be to have the surgery over and done with and how I'll then be able to focus on healing. I won't be in this purgatory or waiting to be cut open again. 

It is now relatively certain that I will have a new job in January 2026. It will either be a promotion I interviewed for this past week, or it will be an at-level change to a Project Management team since my current role and team are being dissolved. 

This friend, energized by changes in her own life, and with a focus on human design, astrology, and various other woo-woo adjacent lenses, got me thinking about what positive changes could come in 2026.

I am so seldom positive. Feeling hope or excitement is so rare for me; it felt both unusual and novel. Thinking of my life in terms of what's possible is just alien to me. I feel so blocked from it. 

But sometimes I have to remind myself that things are possible.

Yes, I almost died in 2022. But I didn't. I have been healing and just surviving, and just trying to figure out what my life and limitations are, but I am, in fact, still alive. 

And as someone who is still alive, I can have goals and desires. 

I did not die in 2022. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Abraham Maslow.

I looked up Maslow after being poked by this quote. Known for Maslow's hierarchy of needs, he was a member of the "positive psychology" school of thought, which focuses on the "positive" rather than the "negative" side of psychology.

Though I understand the value of positive psychology in some instances, generally I find it patronizing. It also further stigmatizes and belittles mental illness.

When applied to personal habits, or personal growth (as it would relate to Maslow's hierarchy) I can see how questioning our choices and understanding the possibility for change can be really powerful.

Sometimes I'll do something seemingly banal - I'll take a walk, take a different route, meet a friend for coffee unexpectedly - and I surprise myself in that moment, and in reflecting on it afterwards. I think to myself, well, that was nice. Surprisingly nice. I am a creature of habit. Of taking my small comforts where I can. I am also my own worst enemy, and getting outside of myself is often a welcome break.

It's hard to stay awake to that. It takes so much energy.

If you want to say "thank you," don't say "sorry."

 Comic art by by Yao Xiao, check out her website.

She's also on Esty and Instagram.

Uprooting shame.

I’ve been a little disconnected lately. I’ve not been present, and have felt mildly detached from my waking life. In French they call it being “dans la lune” which literally translated means “being in the moon,” but signifies something between daydreaming and just not paying attention.

This morning while lazing around I decided to turn on an episode of Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday. I often check out the program, since I watch episodes when they feature people I wish to listen to like Pema Chödrön or Deepak Chopra. Her show also often interviews megachurch-type pastors -American after all - I don’t watch those episodes. I have no time for doctrine.

Today's guest was Dr. Christine Northrup. She’s a doctor who focuses on women’s health, and more recently on menopause and aging. In her conversations with Oprah, she mentioned how destructive shame is in the body. She said studies have found that a certain enzyme is produced in the body, and leads to physical discomfort and can actually be measured in the body. She and Oprah went back and forth about the place shame holds in the body, and how it can be released through things like yoga or a deep tissue massage (like how some may cry or be triggered when being massaged).

This also lead into our own stories, and our daily messaging to ourselves. She pointed to two studies. First a a group of middle-aged men who were asked about their “glory days” as student athletes. Half of the group was asked to carry a picture of their happiest moment from those glory days, and to live as if that was still their lives. This lead to them being more active, to engaging in more social activity and to making healthier choices. The second group was asked to just reminisce and hold that story in a more nostalgic space. Well, the group that “lived” their glory days became healthier in every measurable way.

Her second example split a group of house-cleaning staff at a hotel. One group was told that their jobs actually meet the requirement for minimum amount of daily activity, and that they’re actually “working out” during the day. The other group was not told this. The group that felt they had an above-average activity level ended up losing weight and improving their health status even though their daily work was identical to the other group.

This all had me feeling all sorts of ways. Whenever there are studies that point to the way in which mood and attitude have a direct correlation to our mental wellness and the health of our bodies, I’m left feeling guilty. Is my depression the reason I am overweight? Of course it is. I am exhausted and I give-up on participating in life often. It makes this type of A + B = C thinking painful, because my depression is not entirely self-made and self-sustained. But sometimes this type of "positive thinking" philosophy is extremely patronizing to someone with disordered thinking.

What if there are ways through cognitive behavioural therapy (or therapies that are yet to be discovered) that the self, and the self-hating-self can be helped? 

I struggle with grasping my role in my own health, and how to move forward since not only does the task seem insurmountable at times, but depending on my broken self doesn't seem like the best bet.

I think what really struck me was the recognition of how much shame I feel. How I wear that shame on and in my body and how much is hurts me. How it digs in me. How just naming it, I can feel it screwing into the deepest part of my belly.

But how do I get rid of shame? How do I uproot it successfully? It isn't just a weed. It isn't an anomaly. It's been planted, seeded long ago, and I've quietly fed and watered it over a decade. 

Unpacking everything that I carry with me is exhausting as it is. It seems that the layers are many and the work is always.