Meeting Ranjana.

After an ongoing attempt to access free mental-health services (specifically therapy) I've had to settle for the sliding-scale services offered by The Argyle. If you're unfamiliar with my journey attempting to access mental health services, just check out the "access" label to the right of the page.

I called the Argyle several weeks ago and was told I would be called back by an in-take professional. A week or two later they contacted me (they basically ask why you need the services) and I was asked to e-mail them my tax return for last year, which would establish my income and thus the hourly rate they'd charge me.

They're charging me 50$ a session. I can't swing that weekly, but I should be able to bi-weekly for now. Some of that 50$ will be reimbursed by my private insurance. Since our first session last week, I also saw her yesterday. She asked to see me next week and I told her I can't afford it, that our sessions would have to be bi-weekly. She seemed surprised by that, but she accepted it.

I wasn't sure at first if Ranjana and I would hit it off. The last two therapists I've seen were roughly my age. In my previous intakes, I mentioned wanting a young-woman who was atheist identified (or at least had an understanding of an atheist/non-religious mindset). That might seem like an odd stipulation, but if you're a non-believer and your therapist uses underlining themes of faith or divinity it can be patronizing and completely dismissive.

My request for female-identified, atheist-friendly therapists with an understanding of eating disorders, sexuality, gender and depression resulted in both of my therapists (over the last decade) being young jewish women.

This time, I just stipulated a woman. I think gender is a significant part of my experience, and an understanding of being a woman, a girl, sexualized, and feminism is an important fundamental starting point for shame, identity and body-awareness.

The only other request I made was that it be permanent staff. I saw Alexa for ten session last year and I thought the world of her. But, she had to go back to school and I wasn't able to keep seeing her. I don't want that to happen here. I want long-term, on-going therapy. Even if I lapse for a while, I want follow-through. I want to be able to go back and see the same person, or for there to at least be a file on me.

I'm tired of starting over. At some point you're "telling your story" in a way that seems completely impersonal because you feel as though it's lost its value in repetition.

Ranjana is an older (than me) Indian woman, her website describes her work with the local Indian and Hindi communities. Our first session went well, I think it'll be good for me to move outside of my comfort zone and to have conversations with someone who is outside of my realm of reference, and who can see things in a different way.

My goal in this round of therapy is to be more of an active participant in it. With Putterman I was a mess. With Alexa I was also in crisis. Now, I've plateaued, and I think it'll be helpful to move through certain things, with help.

We'll see how things go.

Onward.

The Dr. Scavenger Hunt.

Yesterday was an interesting day. After the Doctor-debacle of 2015, I finally went out to Montreal-West to see Dr. Rishi. First, I don’t go West, so bus'n along Monkland was nice, it’s a really nice area. It’s all brownstones and anglos, it’s like being in another world.

I took the afternoon off of work, since my appointment was at 1:45 and google estimated about an hour for me to get there. I waited nearly an hour past my appointment time, but any annoyance washed away when Dr. Rishi saw me and said hello. He’s so jovial.

Any-who. . . The appointment went well. He informed me of his plans, he’ll be starting his own family practice with 4 other doctors, and it’ll be located in Westmount. This’ll be convenient for me since I can walk over when it’s nice (still about a 30 minute walk) and I can take the subway if I’m pressed for time. Either way it’s accessible from work.

I ended up talking with Dr. Rishi for over an hour. We talked about my depression, and we made a plan. We’re trying stronger meds, and he’s booked a phone consult for me and a nurse who might be able to get me some free therapy. I don’t think it’ll happen, since it’s a CLSC that’s outside of my service zone, but he’s going to try and make it happen. Side-note: The CLSC is called Benny Farm, which is insane sounding to me. It makes me think of Benny Hill (an observation Dr. Rishi actually got, and we laughed about) and also a farm where maybe Ben Affleck goes to get away from it all.

Meanwhile, I contacted the Argyle and I would be charged 50$ an hour for therapy there. So that’s an option too. I'm going to check it out.

You know, I'm kind of surprised by how much better I felt after seeing Dr. Rishi. There’s a French expression that says someone feels prise en charge which means, when literally translated being taken into someone's charge (like back-in-the-day English where a charge was a kid you took care of). Although it probably comes from this type of history, today we usually use it in a positive context, it means being handled, and you or a situation being taken care of. 

Well, I never feel that way, so yesterday was an odd sensation for me. He said his priority is my depression right now, and then we'll go into overall health. We also talked about what the St-Mary's Doctors thought about me, and he said they felt I could totally handle myself and that I seemed mildly to mid-level depressed. 

This irritated me, and I explained how I feel my verbosity and funny-nature (and big fat round face/head) often masks the intensity of my depression. My being able to talk circles around what I'm feeling often leads me to talking myself away from how dark my thoughts can be. My funny, absurd nature can also just detract from what I'm feeling and just leave people with a different impression of me than what might be needed for me to be read as "seriously depressed." He got that. 

I mean, the guy makes me sound like a dullard. He's well spoken, clear, and very quick. He's super charming, so he was able to understand that aspect of representation versus internalization. 

I also mentioned that other than "suicidal ideation" there is very little follow-up for mental health. Planning a suicide, an actively pursuing your death is a crisis. But, wishing you were dead all the time is a slow painful way to be. 

I have to go out and get my new meds, and then Dr. Rishi wants to see me in a few weeks. Once I talk to the nurse he referred me to, and I have a few weeks of meds in me. 

Overall I'm happy that . . .

1. I found him (I didn't hallucinate getting a GP).
2. He is still practising and wanted me as a client / I can follow him.
3. My first impression of him was correct, he's kind, funny, warm and I can really talk to him he also seems to like me, which is nice. I like when people like me. 

I feel hopeful, which is so god-damn rare I can't even.