It will be good to see her and little A, who is about 6 months now I believe. Last time I saw him he was about a week old, and I laid on her couch with him on my chest while she ran some errands. He was warm and soft. And having him on my chest was very soothing.
Tomorrow is also the first say that the local second-hand store opens. It's been difficult getting by without it since I try and buy most home goods second-hand. K needs to furnish her new apartment, as well as cloth the baby, so hopefully, the line up won't be too crazy. I expect it to be though.
I had taken Mondays off for all of June, os this week is the first week where I go back to a full five day a week workweek. It's hard. At least I am not too busy at work these days, so I can breathe and walk the dog and puts around a little bit. End of year was pretty brutal, so I appreciate the slower pace.
I feel as if I am getting dumber. I haven't read a book in months. I have trouble committing to television and movies let alone anything more complex. I am trying to make a point of writing more often, but I am still in the stages of forced automation and not anything beyond that.
When I lay in bed at night, I feel as if I could write so much. I have these thoughts I always feel could be stretched out into something poignant, but maybe that's just the lucidity of incoming unconsciousness.
The tedium of every day is something I need to plan for. I started setting my alarm in the morning again. For the last few months, I have been letting myself sleep in, but I can feel my days getting shorter and going back to work will get difficult if I just give up completely on acting like a functioning human.
I am now on the last of my Effexor, I am pushing it to one 37.5 mg pill every 4 days. I guess I will eventually go to 5 and maybe cut from there... Not too sure.
It's difficult to say if I feel more depressed. I just feel depressed - but differently. I don't feel as clouded. I don't know what the major differences in me or in my demeanor are. It's difficult to really assess. I started weaning off right before the pandemic hit - and then I was quarantined and isolated - so those who would usually be in a position to comment on my mood are all at home, texting me.
It's also been an especially stressful and depressing couple of months. I've been on social media a lot, following Black Lives Matter protests and the resulting increased police brutality and overall fuckery of Karen's and Trevor's and those who refuse to wear masks and those who like calling the cops on black people in public spaces. American politics as a whole has been a garbage fire for years now, but every day is a fresh hell. And Canada isn't perfect. Things happen here. There's always something.
Apparently, it takes me a lot of time to process things because this isn't new. It's been 4 months. I guess now the dust is starting to settle and I'm beginning to accept that the new normal is going to be working from home.
I have to think about what I want my days to look like, long term. Not just in survival mode.
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