Oh brother...

I've made allusions to some drama in my personal life over the last few weeks. I've had a falling out with my brother, which has taken me some time to process.

At first I was in shock at the confrontation, and was very hurt by it.

To preface this exchange, my father (who passed when I was 13) was in federal law enforcement, as is my brother currently.

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Then, as it settled in, I became deeply insulted, angry and disappointed.

Immediately after this exchange, I forwarded it to many of my girlfriends, wanting to know their opinions and their reading of the situation. I was overwhelmed. I needed help processing.

At the time I felt like a piece of shit, and they were quick to reinforce my underlying knowledge that I am in fact, not a piece of shit. I am the opposite. I'm pretty kind, and considerate and am trying to do my best.

The intentions my brother assigned to me were hurtful and disrespectful.

Here are some of my friends' reactions - which will allow me to address certain issues.

Calisse, c'est tellement disturbing. I'm sure you are really upset with this. If you want to talk about it, I'm here. It's such a violent interaction.

This little bit includes some French-Canadian swearing. I put this in Blue. It loosely translated to, "Holy shit, this is so disturbing." Her response to me validated my feelings of being attacked, and of his anger and seeming rage were palpable and unwarranted (in my opinion). Even if I was really angry, I would never be so hostile and mean-spirited.

whoa. i am really sorry. this clearly really triggered something for your brother. he obviously does not share the same world view as you about the prison system, and is basing his comments on his own lived experience and probably does not have emotional space (as a protection mechanism from what he experiences at work/has to put up walls to do what he does) to see your perspective.

i wonder if he will ever see your perspective given his own experiences and what he needs to get through his work day. 

he is clearly really upset and in the heat of the moment. it might be best to leave the situation alone for a bit for him to cool down.

I'm sorry that he is bringing your dad into it. that is not cool and he is clearly leveraging that as a way to guilt you into the action he wants. which is super shitty. I'm sorry. 

you are a good person and doing something that you believe in. unfortunately, your family might not believe in it, but that is their shit, not yours. in situation like this with my family i choose to not engage as a form of self preservation. 

i love you lots and am here for you.

I do not negate the fact that I know nothing of my brothers' experience. My main concern, above all else, is how approached me (assuming the worse), his language, and his general tone.

In the case of my above friend, she has a family that's not great. So I know where she comes from with her "not engaging" comment. Most of the initial comments I got were to let it cool off and take some time.

I think in most cases, my friends being really smart and well trained in people and intervention, in empathy and social justice, means we shared similar perspectives. Having said that, I don't know that I'm the participant in this altercation that needed the most help in processing this. Nevertheless, it's my nature.

It took several days and several conversations with friends to help me process it. I also spoke to my mom about it at different times. When it was fresh, and  days later when I had had some time to think about it.

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This was the conversation of the night of. Certain friends I spoke to first, knowing their familiarity with me and my family, or specifically of me.

When I re-read these texts, I can see my willingness to work things out in my head. Part of the subsequent conversations with my mother have been about my brother, how he handles stress and confrontation (poorly) and if he's at able to discuss what happened in a way that would be reflective and helpful to him. I don't know that he's able to do that.

We fall into excusing his behavior, "he's bad with his emotions," "he was too aggressive but he was really upset," and having now stepped back, I reject that. He's a grown ass man. He's my brother, and he shouldn't have come at me like that.

The crux of my disappointment is that he also didn't approach me with curiosity or a willingness to understand, he just attacked me. He could have disagreed with me, or even criticize my choices in a more respectful way.

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The lowest blow of all is referencing my father, more than once. He couldn't own his own anger so he dug up my dad to project shame and disappointment onto a bigger target. This is clearly his lashing out to hurt me.

I also made a point of saying I thought he was wrong. My father instilled in me a type of humanist philosophy. He challenged me and gave my philosophy books. I remember a conversation with him about the Oka Crisis, once that left me thinking he was sympathetic to the indigenous position and that he felt they had every right to their land and their protest.

My father was capable of nuance. He was able to hold two thoughts at once, and he nurtured and encouraged my pre-disposition to question everything.

My father is dead. He stopped growing and changing in October of 1997. I would like to think that had he lived, he would have been able to keep learning and growing, the way I aim to. If that were the case, his opinions and methods would have been subject to change.

I would like to think the same of my brother - but do not. Not today. He doesn't seem eager to better himself spiritually or intellectually. He doesn't seem to desire challenging himself in any way. He has his life, he has his priorities. And I have mine.

This fight also punctuated thoughts and fears I've had about him but have supressed. Namely his racism and sexism, and the way he speaks to his partner and children.

He no doubt has a lot of opinions about me and how I choose to live my life.

We're very different, and I don't entirely know how to move on from here. For now, it's been space. We haven't communicated.

I don't see my views or my personal moral code changing anytime soon. I still do not think I did anything wrong. I do not think I have anything to apologize for.

The disappointment that I feel in my brother about his assumptions about me and his approach to our discussion also extends to how I feel he's handled the days since.

We're in very different places, and other than my mother, I don't know what links us right now.

He doesn't feel like a brother, he feels like an antagonist.

A letter to Michael.

It's been busy.

I actually worked overtime last weekend, both Saturday and Sunday.

I missed half-a-day two Thursday's ago, and Friday this past week due to government exams, so I needed the extra hours to make up for lost wages.

I've been busy, which means I've been tired and going to bed early. I cut what I can when things get hectic, and often that means cutting cooking, art and housekeeping.

I'd applied to two large candidacy pools for government administrative and clerk positions.

I've had to take a litany of exams, one of which involved an arithmetic section that kicked my ass.

I actually just received an e-mail that said I was being added to a first-round for a pool that will be filled out in the next few weeks. So, if I have the basic requirements met, I'll be asked to do exams next week. This pool is closer to home, so it's more interesting to me.

I've been thinking about including my letters to Michael here.

I would edit out sections that speak too specifically to him and his experiences as to protect his identity, but for me, they're where I put a lot of detailed writing attention.

Here's an example, my most recent letter:

2017-02-17

Hello Michael!

Well. I’m pooped. It’s about 4 in the afternoon and I’ve spent most of the day writing exams. I applied to a candidate pool for the federal government for jobs in clerical, administrative and assistant jobs. They’re entry-level positions with a good living wage. This morning I took a Grammar and Language exam, and then this afternoon I took an Office Skills exam that kicked my ass. There was a brutal arithmetic section. Everything was timed. It was bananas. You’d have 8 minutes to do 15 math problems with fractions and division and multiplication all in your head. It was nuts. I think I answered 6. Then there was a section on Classification that had lists you had to put in order, again, in your head, in like 8 minutes. It was so nuts! I can’t have done well. We’ll see. They had a section on verification I think I did okay on. And then a weird word-problem logic section I think I did okay on. They have a cut off grade of 40/75.

I’m just re-reading your letter from February 8th. I’ll try and make a note of sending you stationery. If ever you’re in need just ask though! And remember there’s a delay so maybe when you have a few sheets left ask. I’ll send you some more today, in another envelope (of course).

I’ve only read select pieces by bell hooks, we studied her work when I was in university. I thought she might challenge you - and I know you’re looking to think of things differently and be challenged - so I thought she might be able to discuss gender, sexuality, feminism, relationships, blackness and masculinity in interesting ways. I'm happy you're enjoying her work.

In feminist studies, we use the word intersectionality a lot.

in·ter·sec·tion·al·i·tyˌin(t)ərsekSHəˈnalədē/nounthe interconnected nature of social categorizations such as race, class, and gender as they apply to a given individual or group, regarded as creating overlapping and interdependent systems of discrimination or disadvantage. "through an awareness of intersectionality, we can better acknowledge and ground the differences among us."

I’m going to include a large print-out of the wikipedia article on intersectionality, since it’ll describe it better than I ever could. What’s important though, in most social justice approaches today, is the understanding of intersectionality and the role it plays in oppression.

I also love vocabulary builders. We have that in common! I told you, I get daily words sent to my e-mail! I also read a ton, and love highlighting words or phrases I’ve never heard. After this morning’s exam though - I’m thinking I need to start re-learning basic math! Lol! 

But I love words and language!

There are only so many hours in the day! We have calculators now! Leave me alone math! 

I definitely can see how I would not seem shy. I’m often told I’m imposing from the outside. I am not really shy in terms of friendship or speaking up. I’m shy romantically and with men. After my first relationship I cut a large group of guys out of my life. And I didn’t have very much trust in men, especially not heteronormative type “dudes.” So I went into feminist studies and spent time with a lot of women and lesbians and queer-identified folks of all kinds, and it was a safe space for me, away from heteronormativity.

When I finished university I had no idea what to do with myself. I wrote an undergraduate thesis my last year, and I knew I didn’t want to go back to school to get a Masters degree - but I also had no idea what to do with myself for work. So, I went back to technical school to get a degree in graphic design, something applied. A trade. I was 25 at the time. It was a rough decision to make, going back to junior college where kids would be much younger. But I did. All of a sudden I wasn’t in classes with 30 kids, some of which were born in the 90’s. I couldn’t get over that. One kid, who I would eventually be friends with, was 17. He was a tiny baby to me. It was hard on my ego.

I eventually became friends with two guys, one was from the East Coast of Canada, from New Brunswick, so he didn’t speak any French. The other was a local guy from the country. We would sit at a table together and tell jokes and laugh until we cried. They’re too really good, nice guys. V had a girlfriend, and was close to his sister and one of his best friends was a girl. It’s hard to explain, but there’s something special about guys who aren’t afraid of women. Guys who don’t instinctively sexualize them. This was a guy with a lot of girls and women in his life and he knew them and loved them and we could become friends without it being weird. Then, with M, he was also very sweet, and had a hometown vibe to him. We took the subway together once and he asked me to step back from the subway track because it made him uncomfortable, my standing so close. He said it with such earnest sentiment, and so sweetly it took me back… Who is this sweet guy who has this oddly simple chivalrous nature to him? It’s like he was from the 1950’s.

By the time the three year program was over, I told them both they were good friends of mine, and that they changed my relationship to hetero guys. Basically, before them, I had zero trust. It’s very hard for me, still, but they did something for me I really appreciate.

M moved back East, and V is now in Toronto. We keep in touch though, and V and I are still good buddies.

It’s hard being attracted to heterosexual guys when most of them are so awful. Lol.

I really appreciated your saying not to be too hard on myself about my positivity level. The fact is, it’s a hard thing to change, but I have been getting better, as I continue to grow. I get what you’re saying about your own positivity and your own environment. You’re right, you are in a very mentally crippling place, and you must often need to be your own light, your own strength. A lot of what you say, can apply to most of us. I mean, we live in this world through our own mindsets.

I don’t know what it is to be imprisoned. My experiences with confinement are more akin to surviving a bad depressive episode and knowing to just “stick it out.” It’s an odd sensation, feeling your own mind is out to destroy you. Your positivity is of the utmost power. You can achieve and project great things. And no doubt, it affects those who come in contact with you.

I know when I’m kind, and open, and have a good day, I can feel certain interactions and the flow of positivity.

I do find it helpful to laugh and be kind, and then see funny things and kindness in others. 

Being able to laugh at things, and enjoy little bits of sweetness helps. There are these things around us too.

Your letter mentioned you laughing when you saw the Trump illustration I did. That made me happy! I wasn’t sure what you’d think of it! I’m happy you laughed! When I went to a protest here with it a lot of people took pictures of it.

I’m happy my question about self-expression made you think! Our letters to each other are no doubt a means of self-expression! Sometimes learning what we like and what feeds us is a journey in itself!

Like I said earlier, I love language and books - but I’m shit at math! So math isn’t it!

I always enjoy receiving your letters Michael! And I’m happy that as we get to know one another and share information, stories and ideas, we’re developing a short-hand.

The last thing you mentioned in your letter was the shooting at a mosque here in Québec City. It’s been big news here, rightfully so. Québec City is about 2 hours away from Montreal. It’s our capital city. It happened on a Sunday night, and on Monday at work people were inconsolable. Gun violence is rare in Canada in general. Hate crimes are rare. A mass shooting is practically unheard of.

Quebec as a province had a mass shooting here in 1989 referred to as “the Montreal massacre.” We have a world-class engineering school, and that engineering school had started letting in, and promoting the education of young women. A guy, who didn’t get it, and then projected that onto women and feminists, went to that school, separated the women from the men, and shot 28 people. He killed 14 women, which he targeted specifically.

This shooting in Québec, is the biggest shooting we’ve had since. Six people died, and 28 were injured. It makes me really angry because some American coverage (the fake-news type shitty blogs and twitter) were saying it was a Muslim-on-Muslim crime - which it WAS NOT. The shooter was a racist, islamophobic pro-trump shithead who was known locally as someone who was racist and misogynist and had shitty opinions.

This was home-grown terrorism. Similar to the church shooting in the U.S - the Charleton Church shooting.

This is shitty, hateful, racist kids with hate in their hearts and only violence as a means to express themselves. These are kids who are white-supremacists and neo-nazis.

Quebec isn’t perfect. Canada isn’t perfect. Locally, there were marches and there was a big service open to the public to honour the victims of the mosque shooting. Québec City is reeling and they’re dealing with what’s going on there. Our prime minister and local community leaders called the shooting what it is - terrorism, so I’m happy we’re not dealing with white-supremacy openly from our state leaders, like you guys are in the U.S.

That same Québec City mosque was getting harassed locally for a while. Someone sent them a pig’s head and a pork cookbook - real racist shitty stuff.

There is racism and fear everywhere, it’s just been a brutal time since Trump was elected. It’s like these really shitty racist, douchey people feel entitled to be openly racist and shitty now. They’re emboldened.

I gotta go, I hope this letter finds you well! Sorry to end on such a bummer note. 

Best, 

K.

I've edited it slightly, but there's a lot here. It fills you in on the last few weeks.

I really enjoy writing letters. There's something intrinsically literary about it, and I just think communicating with someone else in such a considered way is beautiful and artful.

Should I include more of my letters to Michael here?