A collection of tweets that are for me.

i don’t trust anyone who doesn’t feel like screaming

— J. Jennifer Espinoza (@sadqueer4life) September 27, 2018

 

Therapy
-Expensive
-Years of hard work
-Emotionaly draining
-Tough to find

Screaming in the woods
-Free
-Immediate relief
-Scares hunters enough to leave therefore saving innocent animals
-Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods

— John was laid-off (@john_from_hr) August 8, 2018

 

ive made a meme that describes all of my problems pic.twitter.com/zvTjGyFhYR

— jonny sun (@jonnysun) March 29, 2018

 

Me: Who needs antidepressants? I'll just listen to Hey Ya by Outkast daily

Narrator: But things were not alright alright alright alright

— Abbolish the Police (@a_bi_gal) July 22, 2017

 

"exercise helps depression"
me: pic.twitter.com/BF74bWyQdO

— londz (@linsagna) September 14, 2017

 

Depression is like a frat guy who lives in your head. "Hey, what's up, loser? You writing a novel? LOL. That's cute you're trying, fatty."

— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) September 6, 2012

 

i made some depression memes recently but i was actually cured of depression two yrs ago by a strategically placed live. laugh. love. poster

— giabuchi (@jaboukie) December 20, 2016

 

[picks up crying baby]
it's ok buddy, when you grow up you'll learn how to do this on the inside

— dylan (@dyldonot) January 28, 2015

 

one problem with depression is that when good things happen you still have depression

— so sad today (@sosadtoday) May 5, 2018

No perspective.

Things have been difficult in a mild, incomprehensible way. There is a thread of malice dressed in quarantine and COVID-19. There is overt, violent confrontation I see via social media due to the spotlight on the Black Lives Matter protests and the near-constant shows of police brutality and murder. All of it is both far from me, and yet I am a part of these systems and communities and my actions affect others. 

I am working from home, and have been since March 16th, 2020. It's been three months. I've been anxious and irritated and have felt limited and frustrated. My home is a shared space, we are moving and renovating and nothing is easy. 

I am grateful for the job. For a salary. I am grateful for the health of my mother. For the living space. For the neighborhood and for being quarantined over the summer, and not in the dead of January. I have space to quarantine. I have a bed. Running water. Abundance. 

It's been difficult financially. The moves. The furniture. The renovations. The working from home. Getting a desk. A keyboard. A screen. Having more costs working from home. Eating here more. Groceries are more expensive anyway because of the quarantine. 

I'm sick of my cooking. I want to go to a restaurant with my friends. I want someone else's cooking.

It's difficult managing the renovations and the project file with the city. Their requirements are many and their answers are always vague and in my second language. It's difficult managing my mother and her expectations while staying aware of this being her project and her money. Staying patient is a challenge. Managing contractors is hard. My mother doesn't always understand clearly. She says yes when she should say she does not understand and wants clarification. 

Sometimes I regret taking on this project - because I don't want the added responsibility. If it weren't for my mother, I don't know that I would be here. I would be in a small, manageable place. 

On good days it all feels great. But on bad days it feels like too much responsibility, when all I want is a safe hole in a wall I can crawl into. 

But here we are. I have a dog and my mother, in a duplex we're rehabbing. I don't know that I'd have the will if I were alone. I'd want no responsibility and the ability to curl up and hibernate without too much loss or complication. I don't want anybody to depend on me. 

I've been weaning off my medication, and I now take the smallest dose every few days, until I will have none left. I don't know that I am more depressed than I was - I just think I feel it differently. I feel it in my chest. My body. I don't know what long-term affects have taken root in my brain, or how long it will take to seep out of me. I've always been depressed. I will always be depressed. It just hits differently. It lives in me differently. I think I'm less numb to it. 

All of this feels like a lot, but I don't know that I have the capacity to see the big picture, or to really understand it all. I know eventually I will be able to have some perspective, but for now that feels far away and alien to me. 

I don't see friends. I don't go out. My days are all very similar. I feel stuck and confused. Every day is the same, yet there are also new horrors. Not near me. But horrors I can see, and horrors I can't look away from. 

Time keeps moving forward. I'm 36. I feel as if so much of my life is just trying to get through, struggling up a hill, resting to to survive - I don't know that my life will ever look like anything else.

Even with perspective, the last looks hazy. I don't know what a clear view looks like, or what use it is to me if I am set in my ways, and unable to imagine new ways of being. 

I am my own company, and have been for three months, and I am an intense, dark person to be around. Moments of brevity are not enough to lighten my spirit. I've always been this dramatic. I've always had this weight, only it's been physical for the last decade. My weighted body, that keeps people away and insulates my near constant pain. My low level hum. 

Quarantine, Covid and Lucid Dreams.

I was listening to the latest episode of Staying In with Emily and Kumail, and Emily mentioned an article she read about how folks are describing an increase in nightmares and lucid dreams during quarantine/Covid-19.

I internally screamed, "Me too!"

I would describe them as bat-shit and insanely detailed. Last night I was trying to escape a cult. Every night, a new insanity. It was a very detailed dream. It started with some type of summer-camp social event, and through suspect weaning of the crowd then turned into tests of fortitude and odd psychological games and ended in some type of swearing in ceremony for what I took to be lieutenants (people to recruit other people). I got help getting out of the ceremony, though a cult member who wanted to get out. Then my brother and mom were shown to me as hostages. I hugged them and whispered "this is a cult, be careful, stay together," and then made my way out of the underground layer to fight my way out near the top. Then, as I made my getaway, a large white vintage Oldsmobile made its way to me, driving into the field I was in, and inside it was Tina Fey and driving, Margo Martindale (obviously).

I then had words with Fey about her getting me into this mess and if she was somehow involved in the cult I would "choke her out." She was very apologetic and told me she knew of two other girls who had died.

LOL: "I swear to god Tina if you're involved in this I'm gonna choke you the fuck out."

What fun!

I've long thought many of my dreams could be turned into stories or movies.

Anyway, Emily and Kumail are beyond adorable. They're funny and honest and their podcast has been a god-send during working from home/the quarantine. They even have a rom-com about how they met and fell in love, called The Big Sick. I recommend it, it's great. It's almost too much! Real adorable!

The article is over on the Smithsonian Magazine online, here are some highlights:

... people’s day-to-day lives are becoming paired with an increasingly strange and vivid dreamscape. And a growing group is experiencing insomnia, an inability to fall asleep... Both seem to be symptoms of stress, part of the shared anxiety surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic. 

The Lyon Neuroscience Research Center study has found a 35 percent increase in dream recall and a 15 percent increase in negative dreams.

“We normally use REM sleep and dreams to handle intense emotions, particularly negative emotions. Obviously, this pandemic is producing a lot of stress and anxiety.”

There's more over on The Guardian about vivid dreams during this weird time.

Researchers are also using i dream of covid, if you'd like to share yours.

Stanford researchers devise treatment that relieved depression in 90% of participants in small study.

I did TMS from September 2017 until November 2017. I was introduced to it through Neal Brennan, a comedian I follow on twitter. Ignore that this clip is from Joe Rogan (he sucks, and his bro army is gross) - it's what I found on YouTube.

He recently re-tweeted an article out of Stanford Medicine:

Stanford researchers devise treatment that relieved depression in 90% of participants in small study 

Stanford Medicine researchers used high doses of magnetic stimulation, delivered on an accelerated timeline and targeted to individual neurocircuitry, to treat patients with severe depression.

My experience was positive. But nothing is as simple as just that snapshot of good or bad. I also had just started working for the government, and had solid pay and work and benefits for the first time in my life. I was walking to and from the appointments 4 or 5 times a week, getting fresh air and sun and cutting into my work hours. I was feeling like for the first time, in a long time I was able to seek help for my depression in a tangible (medically recognized) way. So, yes, I feel the procedure helped me. But it cannot be extracted from how the confines of my life changed during that time as well.

I accessed the treatment through McGill University - and have since had no follow-ups with them. Nobody ever called me, or checked in - so I've not had the opportunity to go back in for other appointments. Like many services I've access in the past - I've just been let go back into the world.

I hope word gets out and this becomes widely available. I'd like to go back in. I'd like for other people to not have to work so hard to access relief.

37.5

I've been on the dose of 37.5 mg of generic Effexor for about a week. The initial first few days involved a bit of brain zapping, so one night I took a 75 mg pill in order to soften the withdrawal. 

I'm actually pretty surprised that these are the first zaps I've had since I started weaning off on February 3rd. 

It's been an odd, unsettling time. It's been a benefit to me that the mandatory quarantine came while I was weaning off of drugs. There are days I've napped or laid down to assuage brain fog or dysphoria. 

Then again, how does the added stress of working from home, quarantine, end of fiscal year and the cloud of a global pandemic affect my brain?

Every weekday I watch the national address at 11, and the provincial one at 1. Some days there are new horrors, some days relief packages. I check the CBC tracking system.

They show statistics of infection and death. Reminiscent of a sports stat. 

Every day is absurd. It's frightening. Parts of it are incomprehensible. I am grateful for government work and the stability of it. I am grateful that my mother is well and near me. I am grateful that I live in a country that takes the epidemic seriously, and has enacted measures swiftly, and backed by science. 

I have these personal daily movements, within a fishbowl that is lining a windowsill looking onto other fishbowls and it's unlike anything else I've ever experienced.

I have a few weeks of 37.5 to go, and another appointment with Dr. Paul in a few weeks (Dr. Paul is replacing Dr. Rishi since the latter is leaving his family practice and will be going private). 

I'm at home every day, so you would think I would be able to take the time to sit and write, but sharing my one room kitchen and dining space with my mother means my limiting my common space time to work and necessities. As I write this she sighs audibly on repeat, since she is doing some sort of paperwork that irritates her. It doesn't take much for me to get irritated. 

The energy I do have I try and put on my work hours during the work week. It's difficult. We're in end of year. We're at home. All of our work processes are changed. It's just a mess. It took several weeks before we had a team meeting, and even longer to get any sense of what was expected of us from management. We are considered essential services since we're finance, and it's been a shit-show of patchwork and problem solving. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to navigate. 

I walk the dog twice a day, at least. Trying to get some air and break up the weekday. 

We await the apartment downstairs, which should be vacated for May 1st. That, with it, will bring a few to pay the former tenant off (a long, arduous story that has been) and after it the forthcoming bill I shall expect from our lawyer. How much will be reclaimed of me? I expect several thousand. Will it be three or five? Only chaos knows.

I no longer have one thought at a time. I don't know if I ever did before. It will be a question of time and experience to see how I feel weaning off of the drugs will affect me, both mood and personality wise. 

I've been at home, quarantined since March 16th. The first three weeks of which my mother stayed with my brother. I was lonely, but content. Having her here brings both benefits and irritations. Once we have the empty apartment downstairs, she will have a project, which will help me immensely. 

Forward. 

COVID-19

As of Monday, March 16th of this month, I've been working from home.

The week before we were starting to hear about the possibility of schools being closed and other precautions being taken for the cities, provinces and the country as a whole as a way of "flattening the curve" of the corona virus infection.

Right now, as, the statistics in Canada are 8,612 of the 857,487 global cases. These numbers are taken from the Corona Virus Tracker on CBC. 

Of those cases in Canada, 4,162 total cases are in Québec and 31 people have died.

Overall, I think the Québec and Canadian governments have been pretty pro-active.  The week before work shut down for me, people were already starting to work from home. It's only as of March 16th that it was no longer a suggestion but a requirement.

All of a sudden, people got laptops (who never would have had them otherwise). There are still people on-site, but that's because of certain positions that require 24-hour on-site, human intervention and support.

Early March was spring break here. March break with the English schools was the week before work was closed, and in the French systems it was the week before. This could explain our larger-than-average infection rate, since so many people were traveling.

It's been two weeks that I've been working from home. The only reason I am writing right now is because a good friend lent me a screen, and I was able to order a keyboard online. Otherwise I would be on a teeny laptop that is nearly impossible to work on.

The first two weeks, on that tiny laptop, were very difficult. I was annoyed all the time. It was nearly impossible to work, and hundreds of e-mails were coming in.

I've only had the keyboard and screen for half a work day, and I already know it's going to improve my work situation 200%.

I'm focusing on work stuff right now because it's my everyday. I'm quarantined with my dog. But this past weekend it rained for two days straight and we got no sunlight and no walk outside time and it was brutal.

I am not really lonely, since everyone is at home, so I get FaceTime calls, texts and e-mails - I can easily reach out.

A lot of my friends are at home with their kids and no daycare/school and they sound like they're going fucking nuts so I'm happy to only have the irritation of a pug who wants my snacks and wants constant walks. At the end of the day I could lock him on the deck and nobody would call child services on me. So there's that.

My mother is staying with my brother. The kids are off school, so she has more to do and more people to spend time with. We're still relegated to one main room, since the back room is all storage for boxes and furniture until we reposes the downstairs apartment on May 1st.

My mother would be around while I was working, so I think she'd rather be at my brother's house - where there's two floors, two TV rooms and lots to do.

It's been a lot. The last couple of weeks have been high stress. But, considering I've been weaning off of my medication, I've been doing well. I haven't had any significant side effects.

The main side-effect of quarantine is never knowing what day it is.

It's still early days. This is unprecedented on a global scale - though parts of Africa have had outbreaks, and I read recently that Ebola was only recently eradicated there. But this is global - and the infection and death rates are increasing - so people are worried.

Maybe in a few weeks from now, the measures put into place by our elected officials will have played their part, and we will avoid major catastrophe. But it maybe not. It's a big wait-and-see and it's good days and bad days.

What is especially difficult to watch is the slow-moving train wreck of many parts of the United States.

There are a lot of issues being discussed though, that would push things left. Health Insurance in the U.S. Minimum wage increases. Paid sick days for minimum-wage jobs (Tim Horton's, McDonald's, Wal-Mart). Folks are organizing rent strikes.

People who are attempting to take advantage of the situation are being called out... Hopefully that extends to the American presidency, and corporate interests of all kinds.

It's just a weird time, and it's unprecedented, and there's nothing I can do but wait.

Jocelyn K. Glei: What if you’re not broken?

These are hard times, in general, but being quarantined (I'm on my 2nd week) highlights our ability to sit with ourselves (or not).

Currently listening to Jocelyn K. Glei: What if you’re not broken? 

My self-hatred and shame, are on my list as my issues I would like to work through actively this year. They were my main goal, before COVID-19 happened.

I relate to what she posits, that we have this habit of saying, I'll do it, when...

For me, it, romance and love have been blocked by my body, and my shame. My pain.

I have a lot to write these days, but because I stay on a computer all day in my work-from-home-quarantine, I am staying away from it. I am just taking things one day at a time and trying to get through the work I have to do to stay employed and paid.