When 2020 becomes 2021.

I have been off of work since the 23rd of December. I am, 8 days later, still exhausted. This year has been difficult. The quarantines, working from home, job stress and job change, health concerns, the American election, racial justice protests / the murder of civilians, the climate crisis, my body, my health, my limitations, my damage, all of it at once, and yet sometimes only one of those things, very loud and in painfully great detail.

I've not written much this year, as I've been tired and feeling generally untethered. I spend my day sitting at home, in front of a computer - so to continue to do that in my off time, I hold no desire for. I sit and think and compose thoughts to myself, but do not want to sit in front of a computer, again, so everything just drifts off. 

The last few months have been about accepting a new position at work (a one-year contract) which will increase my salary by about 100$ a month. Not nothing when all you have is debt. 

In a few days, I will have a room-renter. In her early twenties, she will rent the room for a few hundred dollars a month, which will help me throw money at the ever-present aforementioned debt. 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how the things you own end up owning you. How these social contracts of ownership and adulthood, only ever just reinforce dependence on a system that uses you so fully. I think of the alternative, working hard on the land and isolating yourself - but being fundamentally lazy, that only seems like an answer for the highly skilled and motivated. I am neither of those things.

I've been watching a lot of horror films over the holiday. Zombie films are always fascinating to me, because of the way in which people are represented as ultimately selfish and child-like. Yes, but also, there is so much reassurance in the group, which really is dependent on the reproduction of invisible rules. How these invisible rules are not necessary, but are, in a world that reproduces them daily. 

I think of a mortgage. I think of borrowing large sums of money from a bank in order to slowly and painfully, reimburse them. I do not own my home. The bank does. I take out a loan, in order to pay for repairs and improvements. I have hundreds of thousands of dollars in mortgages and loans - and who am I? My job isn't great. It's an entry-level clerk job. I have no wealth. I've only been able to access these funds due to the government's name on my cheques and the amount of capital my mother was able to bring to the transaction. 

I think about if a bomb hit tomorrow. With the world in disarray - would all of the automatic payments keep taxing my accounts? What are the financial rules when we are so close to it all falling apart? 

This past year has been difficult.  It's been confusing and anxiety-provoking. This isn't unique to me. I think we're all looking around and seeing how fragile all of it is. How neighbors can be helpful, but they can also be fucking anti-masker idiots who would risk us all to not be inconvenienced or directly interpellated in any way. 

This year has further isolated me. It's been difficult, but on some days, not so much. I have, after all, lived this way for over a decade. 

I look at some friends differently. Some are incapable of being alone. Of making small sacrifices. Not many people are able to stay home, alone, for the greater good. That speaks to a great weakness. We all have our frailties, being alone is not mine. 

Looking forward to 2021, I do not expect much to change. I will be working from home until at least the summer, I will be working this new contract, and learning new things, and being challenged. I can, however, return to my clerk job if this new job does not work out. A subtle safety net that makes all the difference for me. 

The winter and the dark make quarantine harder, so as we push through 2021, the weather will improve and the sun will come out. 

I don't know that things will ever go back to how they were before 2020. Too much has happened. Political systems have been shown to be lacking in a way that even the obtuse can't ignore. The fragility of it all, is so obvious now. Our dependence on commercial systems. How quickly panic can spread. How little it takes for things to get scary. 

I don't expect 2021 to be any easier. Just different. 

For now, all I am is exhausted. 

Ghost of a Podcast - How To Face My Face

In a Crisis, We Can Learn From Trauma Therapy by Eva Holland, and EMDR links.

In a Crisis, We Can Learn From Trauma Therapy by Eva Holland on the New York Times website. The article talks about E.M.D.R. I listened to a podcast episode by Rich Roll where EMDR was discussed briefly as well, apparently, it came about through the studies/practice of a therapist who would take walks with their patients, and the discussion coupled with looking around had interesting effects.

Anyway, Eva's article is about cultivating resilience in difficult times. It's an interesting thing accessing all sorts of media about wellness and mental health now that the usually neuro-typical are living through the 2020 quarantine and general garbage fire. 

How to Help Someone With Depression - a guide.

The Cut published How to Help Someone With Depression and it has some helpful, broad guidelines for someone who would like to know what it is that they can offer friends and family who are suffering. 

Quitting Sex Was The Best Thing I Ever Did For Myself by Laura Bogart.

Article by Laura Bogart, Quitting Sex Was The Best Thing I Ever Did For Myself - hit the nail on the head when it comes to being a fat heterosexual woman. 

It's terrifying and exhausting even thinking about joining a dating scene that hates fat people, especially women. And with social media, it's so easy to just get pummeled ("UR FAT KILL URSELF").

Nicole Byer and Roxane Gay on Fatphobia (and more, just a great conversation).

 Currently listening to Roxane Gay on Nicole Byer's podcast.

Oh boy this is a juicy one. Author Roxane Gay (Bad Feminist, Hunger) joins Nicole to discuss their experiences with institutional racism, dealing with fatphobia in interviews, and how she treated school like a videogame. Then, Roxane shares the story behind eloping, how quarantine is testing the strength of relationships everywhere, and how her wife woo'd her through podcasting.

"How To Lose 155 Pounds Happily."

I have been thinking a lot about my body, and my weight, and my necessary weigh-loss (for longevity and not dying before my father did).

Currently listening to How To Lose 155 Pounds Happily from How to! With Charles Duhigg.

Ashley thought by now she’d be on top of the world. Once severely overweight, Ashley lost 155 pounds and recently ran her first half-marathon. But when she looks in the mirror all she sees are the imperfections. In this episode of How To!, we bring in Brittany O’Neill, the real-life inspiration for the hit movie Brittany Runs a Marathon. Having undergone a major transformation herself, Brittany knows what it’s like to feel unhappy after you’ve crossed the finish line. Constant self-improvement doesn’t necessarily lead to self-acceptance, Brittany says. Instead, learn to view yourself through your loved ones’ eyes—even say their praises aloud—and soon, you’ll see what they see.

I mean, the podcast showcases a lot of my fears. There's this feeling that I already ruined my body, and there's not much to do about it. There's the pre-exhaustion of knowing how much work it is - I know how hard I worked to weigh 150 pounds - it was an eating disorder and daily exercise. 

It's also just emotional to hear something I already know, which is that the weight loss doesn't somehow placate existentialism, or living in a misogynist world. It won't make me love myself, or my body. 

It just will address certain aspects of my health, and the reality of having to live in a fatphobic world. 

I'll always be a "big girl."