Weaning down.

I asked a GP to write me a subscription for a lower dose.

I was on 150 mg, I'm now on a 75 and a 38.5, totaling 113.50.

I will try this for 6 weeks.

I am on Day 3.

So far so good.

Early days, real skiddish about what tomorrow brings...

The Challenge of Going off Psychiatric Drugs

I'm putting this here so I can take the time to read it through later.

The Challenge of Going off Psychiatric Drugs, by Rachel Aviv.

I'm looking into weening off my medication. I've been in a good place depression wise, and I'm reading all I can and trying to find a psychiatrist.

From the above article:

David Taylor, the director of pharmacy and pathology at the Maudsley Hospital, in London, and the author of more than three hundred peer-reviewed papers, told me, “It is not as though we haven’t been burned by this before.” If he hadn’t experienced antidepressant withdrawal himself, Taylor said, “I think I would be sold on the standard texts.” But, he said, “experience is very different from what’s on the page.” Taylor described his own symptoms of withdrawal, from the antidepressant Effexor, as a “strange and frightening and torturous” experience that lasted six weeks. In a paper published last month in Lancet Psychiatry, he and a co-author reviewed brain imaging and case studies on withdrawal and argued that patients should taper off antidepressants over the course of months, rather than two to four weeks, as current guidelines advise.

The article also links to two resources:

The Withdrawal Project - which seems to have outlines and resources on what to expect in withdrawal, as well as ways to prepare. I'll have to read through this when I have more time. Oooooo Withdrawal Symptoms - the fun part. They have my brain zaps! I feel so seen. 😩

and

The Inner Compass Initiative, which funds that project, and describes its goal as to help people "flourish beyond the mental health system."

- - -

I know it's been a very long time since I've written anything here. I'm on my break at work, so I am taking 5 minutes.

The last two years has been all about new jobs (2), buying a duplex, moving, issues with a tenant (super long story, a real fun ride), and all sorts of just drama and life stuff.

Take this past holiday for example. This would have been my first holiday in years. I took two weeks off of work over Christmas. Instead I got a really bad cold that turned into a Bacterial lung infection and was on my ass for three weeks. I just finished taking the antibiotics.

My aunt passed away right before Christmas, so the 28th we were at a funeral.

And last week my brother was in the hospital for a perforated bowel.

2019 was busy and similarly intense, and 2020 is starting the same way.

I just hope (in a desperate way) that the issue with the tenant will be resolved sometime before this summer, because it has been a tremendous amount of stress on me in every way.

In 2020, I would like to start working on myself and my physical and mental health in different ways and try new things. But that takes energy. And the last two years have been a straight sprint "into adulthood" and adult-issues (death! mortgages! debts! parents dying! parents sick! divoce!).

I miss writing, I miss the practice of it and the expulsion of my incessant, racing mind.

I will try and make the time to write.

Comedian Pete Holmes on depression and negative emotion.

On Being a Woman in America While Trying to Avoid Being Assaulted

“Sometimes, I’ll read a novel written by a man in which a woman walks home alone, late at night, in America, without having a single thought about her physical safety, and it’s so implausible that I’ll put the book down.”

From On Being a Woman in America While Trying to Avoid Being Assaulted by R. O. Kwon.

Everyone you know is going to die.

 After watching someone I care about struggle through months of hard work sorting through the life (and stuff) of a loved one, I would like to ask you all to please discuss wills and testaments with your loved ones. 

Especially your parents. But, also your partners and friends. Hell, even your pets need godparents.

We are all going to die someday, and sometimes shit happens.

To this day, my mother is asked for my father's death certificate whenever she make a financial or legal move. Dying is a bureaucratic nightmare FYI.

 Some people leave so much behind - and it is a prepared act of love to leave your loved ones with clear instructions and managed affairs. 

You're gonna die honey, leave your loved ones with as little to worry about as possible, they're already bummed, don't add to it.


♥

The house that life built.

The last few months have been intense in general because of work and work stressors.

The last few weeks have just been a whirlwind of decisions and luck.

I've been looking at condos and small mini-houses for years. In hopes that I'd learn about the housing market, and you know, also just look at what is out there.

In the last year because of my finally getting a liveable-wage I started looking more seriously, and when a duplex came onto the market I visited with my mother and she started considering that joint venture - something that would benefit us both.

Two weeks ago, on a Tuesday a duplex went on sale in the "old town" of our town. Water-front, historical, and adorable. I was the first to call, it had not yet gone live on all platforms. My mother and I were the first to visit, Wednesday. Of that evening, we were the first of 6 to visit. We made an offer on Friday. Another couple was making an offer on Monday. She presented the offers that Tuesday (one week after the duplex went live) but the other couple pulled out last minute, so our offer was the only one, and it was accepted.

The following Monday we had an inspection. And now next Friday we are having an electrician come in per the suggestions of the inspector. Things are aligning.

Lots of stuff can happen. Financing can fall through, we could find that the place is made entirely of asbestos and batshit - it's just early days.

The first night after making the offer I had a nightmare-induced panic attack that was semi-conscious.

This brings up a lot for me. Financial stability. My ability to "take care of myself," dependence on my mother, fears of my mother passing away and me being solely responsible, my getting sick and not being able to hold-up my side of the bargain. Lots of stuff.

It's also a dream realized. Old town is a childhood dream. A duplex is a sound investment. I'd finally be getting my own living space.

During this time, one of my oldest friends is also visiting from out of province. So it's been socially busy.

Add to all of this, the timing of my contract coming up for renewal, and a job interview for another job that would be closer to home.

All of this in about a 2.5 week period.

Needless to say I'm pooped.

Things are happening.

I'm not overly excited or stressed because so many things are dependent on other things.

I have a "wait and see" mentality on it all.

I  miss writing here, and I look forward to taking the time to write again soon.

Right now it's one day at a time, but for the first time in a long time, it's not a depression-based mantra.

Also, I took out my Mirena, so we'll see if removing my IUD lessens my depression.

Mental illness, violent crime and the media.

Today I learned something new! Only 4% of violent crimes are linked to mental illness, but news reports discuss mental illness in relationship to violence 55% of the time. FUN FACT.

— Ashley Nicole Black Panther (@ashleyn1cole) 2 March 2018