Friday, July 24, 2015

Taking care of a body I've been killing in my mind.

I had shitty experience this morning. While walking to work I got told I was tub of lard who looked pregnant. It's been a while since I've been harassed on the street. I'll get snide looks every once in a while, but being actually yelled at is rare. I think the last time that happened it was a car-full of teenage boys who yelled at me to get liposuction.

Granted when I was thinner and more traditionally attractive I'd get cat called, but it wasn't so aggressive and angry. It was a different kind of harassment. I didn't feel the hatred in their tone. I felt their disrespect and misogyny, but not their hatred of me.

 sexual harassment panda animated GIF

I'm already in a bit of a depressive pass these days. It's been 2-3 days already. His comments didn't push me further along, they can of just absorbed into me. I mean, my mind goes off in all sorts of direction.

It's clearly gendered, it's always males who feel they have the right, and the need to tell me I'm fat and it bothers them. I guess, if I were thin, and more appropriately attractive, they'd then yell at me to smile, or say something crude and sexually suggestive. That happens too.

I'm just at such a weird fork in the road these days. I feel stuck about my physical health. I go through spurts of having energy and wanting to properly take care of myself, but then I go through hard times and all I wanna do is die.

How can I commit to clean eating and exercise when I struggle daily with feelings of detachment and hopelessness?

The friends I have who are physically healthy work out a lot, and eat really well, and are super excited about life! I am not super excited about life!

And because I have a history rooted in an eating disorder, I have trouble approaching health and weight-loss from a moderate place. I end up wanting to go "all in" or being overly hard on myself.

For me to be a size 7-8 I was bulimic and exercising nearly daily!

Now, as things are, if I eat well, and exercise lightly, I feel better and less bloated, but I don't lose weight.
exercise animated GIF

So, if I change my diet to be stricter, and exercise more, I might loose a bit of weight, or I might not at all. My mind then has this desire to become more militant, and my internal monologue tells myself that well, "you're just going to have to eat really little."

I'm sure my natural weight is still chubby. But I also have no idea. I haven't had a healthy body for over a decade.

I feel like there's a layer of stubbornness built into my fat. It's not being rounder. I think I could live being chubby and not thin. It's not about being thin.

I can be happy and round.

happy dance animated GIF

But, I would like to be able to fit into standard clothing sizes. I would like to be able to exercise regularly to curb my anxiety and depression, and to feel better about myself. Right now I avoid exercise classes because I'm so out of shape, and I'm embarrassed and uncomfortable. I would like to be able to be physically more comfortable (going up stairs, movie theatre seating, certain restaurant or bar benches or stools).

I'd like to know that when I go to the doctor, the first thing out of their mouth won't be about my weight. Studies have shown that fat women are often discriminated against in the medical community. But the same thing goes for the academic community and the job market. On average we make 10,000$ less than a thin counterpart. We're assumed to be lazy. I'm not fun to look at.

I'd like to put fat shaming and fat phobia out of my mind. I mean, in the case of fat phobia and homophobia, any time I've encountered it personally or seen it, it's never phobic like arachnophobia, where folks are scared, it's aggressive, hostile, mean spirited and sometimes just vitriol. I've not encountered violence personally yet, but I've been afraid countless times.

I also believe that fat-activism is important, and that the research regarding fat health is increasingly present and positive. My relationship with fat-activism is strained. I do 100% support the cause, but personally I have a lot of shame and self-hatred regarding my body. I'm trying to remedy that, but it's a process. It's not coming naturally to me.

The commitment needed to lose a significant amount of weight takes commitment to yourself and to your future. Things I'm struggling with. I have so much trouble looking forward to my life.


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