Friday, July 31, 2015

A difficult evening.

Yesterday wasn't great. I got home and got progressively more depressed as the time passed. I watched the Amazing Race Canada and got upset at certain areas. I found myself pacing and wanting nothing more than to hurt myself physically in order to release some of the tension and pain I was feeling throughout my body. I ended up watching a few episodes of Portlandia until I laughed a bit, then showered and went to bed.

It's difficult talking about how depressed I get, and how dark and painful things are for me, when I'm not in the space any more. Understand that when I am in the space, language doesn't do it any more. Language loses its value. I am unable to really articulate anything, since I'm barely present. It's a dissociative, removed state. Everything is through a great distance. You're talking to me while I'm underwater. I'm looking at you through a thick fog. Part of it is similar to an absurd dream state. You're talking to me with marbles in your mouth. I'm trying to listen to you and process what you're saying but I keep pulling worms out of my ears.

My best friend called. I told her I wasn't doing great. She's been going through a lot of workplace drama, so I asked that she keep me up to date. It was difficult. I love her and wanted to engage her in her story, but I felt so limp and outside of myself. I could hear her talking and felt like I was in someone else's life, and had to do my best not to let it show.

I am grateful for her. It's difficult. I don't know, I'm so tired and this just keeps going, this discomfort. This constant management of myself.

Someone can only ever really understand if they suffer from depression. And if we understand one another, don't we also understand the reluctance to want to share that with someone we love?

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