Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Optimism, once removed.

Yesterday I took the day off. I had an appointment with Dr. Rishi, and a dentist appointment. So, all the travelling meant it made more sense to just take the day off. This past weekend I was in Bromont with S, "taking it easy" so it was nice to have the extra day to putz around.

It was a nearly incomprehensible doctor's appointment. As usual, Dr. Rishi was engaged and talkative. We talked about some of the literature I mailed him (legit mailed to him, since his office doesn't work with e-mail). I had sent him a report on ECT (and explained that I like knowing it's an option if things get bad again) and also mentioned my readings on hypersomnia and inflammation.

I talked about my wanting an official diagnosis, because I feel it adds legitimacy to my struggle, and that in the future if there's ever a need for official documentation, I want my struggle to be legitimate. He thinks I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and Hypersomnia. This is what I would have self-diagnosed as, but it's nice to have a confirmation of my own readings.

The conversation was lightning fast and dense. He asked that I book another appointment for him at the beginning of November, since he's off all of October. We decided to keep me on my current dose of Effexor, and stabilize, to re-assess if an additional increase is necessary. 


The conversation ended with Dr. Rishi focusing on goals. This is still off-putting to me, and kind of shocking since being goal-oriented has not been something I've felt for years. In fact, he used the word ambition and I probably stared at him like:

confused animated GIF

Look, I understand words are important, but so are gifs. They can say things words can't. I mean, it's faster. Whatever. Gifs.

llama animated GIF


Rishi started talking about short-term goals. Since our next session would be in November, he wanted for me to have goals in regards to my physical health. To find ways to exercise. He also wanted me to schedule my trip to Victoria in February to visit C, since he says having something to look forward to would be good for me, and also leaving Montreal for Victoria in February would be a nice mood booster, since it'll be -30 here and spring-like in Victoria.

It's just all so odd. So alien. I have been taking things "one day at a time" and really just managing my life day to day. 

He ended up writing a bunch of stuff down for me, he pretty much said that he's worried things'll get worse for me in the winter, since statistically speaking they do. Seasonal Affective Disorder compacts whatever mental illness we're already living with. So he said I'll have to make an effort to go outside and walk around, to get some daylight in. 

Obviously (to me), I also need to figure out exercise. It's been difficult to commit to anything because of how far I have to go. He'd like to see me have something I can commit too that might be kind of social, like a class. I'm not sure about that, since I don't have much money. I have to figure out what might work for me. It's important that it be regular. Maybe I could just start going to the gym again - but the gyms in my area are such bummers. Douche-nation.

He also said to focus short-term, and to let go of my planning. Basically, try and take steps to cope with the winter as best I can, and then to re-evaluate in the spring. Which technically, is when I'd be looking to move out, anyway. Ideally. 

I always walk out of my appointments with him as if I've been spun around in an office chair. I haven't had a family doctor in over a decade. The doctor experiences I have had have been primarily negative. This is the first time in a really long time I feel handled. 

He's very optimistic about my diagnosis, and my ability to move forward. Sure, the optimism isn't mine, but it's optimism. Just having optimism in my bubble is discombobulating.

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