Thursday, August 6, 2015

Working on body positivity.

In yesterday's session with Ranjana, she tasked me with body positivity homework. She'd like me to take the time to look at myself in the mirror and say kind things about my body, and about my face. She said that when I lie down in bed at night, I should think about my body, how it feels and what I like about it, and also what I want.

Often going to bed at night is when I feel loneliest. I miss affection. I miss being liked be someone. I miss being someone's favourite person. It's just so sweet.

So, body positivity is my homework. It's going to be difficult. I have a lot of negative associations to my weight gain. I also feel like I "fucked up" my body, which I have in a lot of ways.

But I am lonely, and the way I feel about myself is a big part of my isolation and inability to engage anyone romantically, so I have to try.

A big problem for me, is that when I get depressed I completely internalize and detach from my life, and my body. Hopefully working on appreciating my body and practising being grounded in it will help me take better care of it and myself.

I don't mind being round. I've always been curvy. I'll be shaped like an hour-glass no matter what. I do not want to be so overweight that it limits my ability to socialize though. Being fat means "being fat" everywhere. Fat on an air plane. Fat on a bus. Fat going up several flights of stairs. Fat trying to sit in a weird stool. Fat in tiny movie seats. Fat at the theatre. It's in these spaces that I am conscious of whether or not I literally fit in.

It's also a question of being comfortable in movement. I want to be able to take exercise classes in order to help myself stay healthy. I want to be able to move with relative ease.

It's hard. I'm not saying all sorts of bodies aren't beautiful. They are. But my own body has seen such little positive reinforcement, it's a habit that might not feel genuine at first.

How can I expect anyone to be attracted to me, if I can't see it myself?

I guess ultimately this is the goal:



Illustration by MooseKleenex.

Also, this one made me laugh:


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