Friday, August 21, 2015

Be nice to the baby.

Two nights ago I had a session with Ranjana. It was a good session, in that we had a good report and the conversation flowed well.

We touched on a lot of issues. First, she had asked me to practice looking at myself in the mirror naked and thinking about what I appreciate about my physical shape. What I find beautiful.

I find this very difficult. I can compliment myself, but rarely physically. And never when I can see the fullness of my body.

She asked that for the next couple of weeks, I try and talk to myself, as if I were a child. Picture myself, as a baby, or as a toddler, and what would I say to myself then? What would my tone be? How kind would I be?

I explained that I still find this difficult, because me as a baby would be described as cute, and I'd want to reinforce intelligence and be kind.

The body I struggle with today, is how it's perceived as a female, sexual being. If anything I do see myself as a baby now. I'm like a large, fat toddler. I'm cute. I'm asexual. I'm funny.

I have a lot of trouble seeing myself as a woman. As feminine. As wanted. Not that I overly relate with these terms. But I would say my gender presentation is female. And I'm primarily attracted to masculine presentation / energy. Dudes. Dicks.

What I see, is a body I've destroyed through disordered eating and self-loathing. I don't see how anybody could be attracted to it, or me.

I have a lot of work to do, and it just all seems to unfathomable to me.

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