Monday, January 2, 2017

Back to broke.

Well, it's been a time.

I spent christmas sleeping and watching movies with my family at my brother's house. The gift exchange went well, I love giving presents, and they all seemed to be a hit. Even all the books I got my nephews, they seemed happy with them, which was a surprise. I got one of my nephews a large jar of pickles from Costco as a joke and it was a real hit. The holiday season cost me a fortune. I have to try and by little-to-nothing for a few months in order to get back to broke.

We then came back home, my mother and I, on the 27th. I updated my Etsy store and did a few things, but mostly I slept. My birthday/christmas gift this year was a Fitbit, I thought it might be helpful to track my heart rate and sleep patterns, try and get more walking in, try and have a way of following my (physical) health since it's been such a crap-show. It's kind of sobering to see how much I've been sleeping. Hypersomnia is real.

I have one day in which I slept for 11 hours over night, then took a 2 hour nap and a 1.5 hour nap. That seems excessive, doesn't it? But I couldn't wake up. I had that "impending sleep" feeling where you eyes are heavy and you just need to find a safe space to pass out.

On new years eve I babysit my nephews, went to bed early, and made a big breakfast for my family, they left around 11 in the morning, and again, I took a nap, then took another nap. I slept most of the day, and was still in bed by 10 pm. Today I got up around 9 and went for breakfast with my mother. I made a point of walking home from a nearby strip-mall to get some sunlight, some fresh air and some walking in.

Here I am now, it's 12:26 pm and I'm writing, seemingly alert and functional, but I'm worried I'm going to hit a down and have to nap again. How the fuck do I get through a workday?

I never like the beginning of January. It's the new year, and in a few days it's my birthday. Both bring with them a lot of reflection, and with reflection comes a lot of self-judgement and criticism. I try to limit this, I try to change the narrative, but it's there. Just in the last few days my day-naps have brought with them dreams of public nudity, exams I don't understand, living in a basement garage forever, being engaged in some type of turf war with a large violent group of teenagers and a string of other fucked-up dreams that scratch at my neurosis and lack of self esteem.

It's hard not to take stock of my life, and it's hard not to be hard on myself. My heart hurts.

I'm exhausted. I am feeling the weight of my body. I feel stuck and sad.

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