Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Zap zap weh weh.

Was looking for the word... My doctor said my "brain zapping" might be Tinnitus:
Tinnitus is the hearing of sound when no external sound is present.[1] While often described as a ringing, it may also sound like a clicking, hiss or roaring.[2] Rarely, unclear voices or music are heard.[3] The sound may be soft or loud, low pitched or high pitched and appear to be coming from one ear or both.[2] Most of the time, it comes on gradually.[3] In some people, the sound causes depression, anxiety or interferes with concentration.[2]
It could be. It could be a symptom of something. For me it really does sound like zapping, and it's in both ears, and it comes in 3-4 shots, like zap, zap, zap zap. It could be blood rushing through my ear canal or something wonky. It's usually coupled with brain fog and issues with movement and the feeling I "missed a step" when I did not - in fact - miss a step.

Yesterday morning I got up early as shit and went to the local CLSC to get blood drawn. They had to take seven vials and I also had to pee in a cup. I passed out. Which never happened before. About 4 vials in I started hearing ringing and then told her to keep going (I wasn't going to come back and wait in line / be late for work again) and then I crumpled and people yelled and I could hear them but not control my body or speak. Then they put me on a little bed and put cold compresses on me. Poor ladies, they must deal with that a lot. They were really nice.

It was pretty funny though. Especially since I could hear everything fine, just not react. So as she was asking me, "can you hear me?" I could but couldn't react. And then her male co-worker kept repeating her, and she sassed him "I'm already asking her FRANK!"

I giggled internally.

I also heard her talk shit about the little bed I was on. She was all, "Of course she's tall and we put her on the bed from the 60's, look her legs are dangling off." That made me laugh (internally) too.

Then when I was regaining my mouth and mind I said something along the lines of "it's okay I have winter boots on." Which was my way of saying that if it was a long bed my winter boots would be touching it and that that doesn't seem sanitary or polite.

The forecast called for a snow storm yesterday morning. Instead, we got ice rain. So when I left the clinic it was icy as all hell, I headed home because bus service was down and there were accidents reported on every highway.

If you don't know anything about Montreal, he's one thing that's part of our essence, we're always frustrated with the city because every time something happens, that is part of living here, and that is 100% not unusual, it's a big frigan deal. So we get tons of snow. We get a few ice-storms a year, and every time it's like reinventing the wheel and it doesn't occur to anyone to frigan salt the streets.

So weather and snow removal and icing the streets is a big thing here. As is construction/corruption and road works. Just two things we can't seem to get right. We also have the world's best bagels, a fantastic cultural scene, and a diverse, multi-cultural populace that generally speaks at least two languages.

Once I got home I had some breakfast and sat for a bit. I got a phone call from my sister in law regarding a job posting she thought I should apply on (which I did). Bus service was down until about 11:30 am, at which point I decided to just stay home. Then took a three-hour nap.

S called since I texted her about passing out at the clinic, and we talked about my doing further blood tests. We talked about how it might not actually do anything, and we kind of went back and forth about how an "official" diagnosis might help me. For me, it makes me feel validated. But she was arguing that it wouldn't actually change anything in my life. I was saying that it can, it can allow you to access things through an "official" capacity, or to be protected legally, and to her she felt an "official" diagnosis does not change your everyday living. For her, she said, "you're still in pain every day, that doesn't change."

I was trying to describe how I felt it validated me. How I often feel I need to validate my staying home or my feeling like shit. How I often feel crazy and lazy and broken. I get what S is saying, she's been sick longer than me. She's gone through the systems more so than I.

It ended up upsetting me, because I have to accept that this also means re-introducing myself into the medical system and starting over, in a certain sense. If Dr. Rishi refers me to a rheumatologist, it means starting a new dialogue, with someone who is - let's face it - most likely shitty.

S was quick to point out that "the first thing they always say is that we're fat, and everything is because we're fat." Which isn't wrong. I was just tired and overwhelmed and the addition of fat shaming just made me want to give up already.

As I said during my conversation with S, at this point, it's just a question of waiting. The blood tests are done. It's out. We'll see what the results are. I'm scheduled to see Dr. Rish on the 6th of February, and he said if he gets my results sooner, he can call me in.

At first I was excited because I felt validated. But now my cynicism has creeped in and I realize this might just be the beginning of another wild goose chase. I don't want to chase a goose. They're mean.

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