Thursday, September 22, 2016

Job panic.

I’m having a bit of a job-panic. I’m grasping for straws and sending out flares. 

monkey office story baboon office monkey

This week at work our receptionist is on holiday. I’m filling in. There’s no big graphic design project happening, so I’m doing what I can from the front desk and everything else can wait. This means I have access to the stamp machine so I’ve been mailing out letters and receiving mail (something I consider fun). I still feel like I’m “playing secretary,” which I enjoy. 

work computer monkey working keyboard

This also means I have more time to write, or go online, or check stuff out. I just have to be at the computer. If I was really “free” to look as bored as I am I’d just sit here and read, but that would irritate everyone so instead I’m writing. I’m writing this. This right now.

I’ve been looking for work for the last month or so. Ideally something not in the city, with a salary of more than 40 G. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve joined all sorts of federal government candidacy pools, but at this point I really just think they’re roads to nowhere. 

office paper working workplace office monkey

I get in these little panicky fits where I just consider everything under the sun. Like, hey maybe I could get a special driver’s license and just start driving snowplows or trucks or something.

I can understand that no job is perfect, and that I’ll probably mildly resent whatever it is I end up doing to pay the bills, but it would be nice to do something that in fact does pay those bills. Living paycheck to paycheck isn’t cute. I’m sick of living with my mother. I want my own space, no matter how small.

A recent survey out of the UK identified that about 35% of Brits identify their jobs as “bullshit” jobs, that have no real value. This doesn't surprise me at all. Especially as someone who has worked in marketing a lot, which I've come to just see as a lie-based / let's pretend this is super important even though it totally isn't - department. So much of sales and marketing is just lies and magic tricks. So much bullshit in capitalism.

computer monkey working laptop typing

For the last decades, all the jobs I've had have put money in someone else's pockets. At least working for a social system or a non-profit you know there's a greater good. 

I've been thinking that since the job market seems so unstable, maybe what would be best would be to get two part-time jobs. Or, work here 4 days a week, and then work another job 2 days a week. 

computer frustrated typing customer service office monkey

I know I could find work in a call center, but that's a last resort. It's just so soul-crushing. 

I just get these fits of panic. I want to try and find a solution to this uneasiness. 

I don't trust the job market. I don't feel secure in my skills or education. I don't feel I'm owed a job or any type of security. So what can I do about it? Diversify? Join the army? I'm too fat. And sensitive. Plus I don't wanna be yelled at. It's like, calm down fuck. 

What else is there? I can't go back to university, I'm too broke. I could maybe do an apprenticeship or try and learn a new skill. I'm hesitant to overly-invest in design, though maybe I could do more research in cost-effective design sales on Etsy.

Christ. I'm going cuckoo.

computer monkey frustrated laptop email

I wish I could get a glimpse into the future. 

reading newsletter newspaper baboon office monkey

The fact of it is, I feel intellectually damaged. I work within limitations. And I don't feel I can over-exert myself. I don't feel gifted, or especially smart and it makes me worry about my ability to take care of myself. Especially, and primarily, financially. 

I know the past decade has taken its toll on my self-confidence. I don't think it's especially revelatory for me to state that, but it's got me in this post-haze space where I'm trying to figure out what my limits really are. My comfort-zone hasn't been that comfortable and I'm now unsure about what it is I'm tethered to.

I don't want to define myself by a job, and I'm trying not to. I just want something decent. I'm alright where I am, for now, but I don't feel secure here. The work has ups and downs and the place has not been stable since I started in 2014.

glasses newsletter newspaper baboon office monkey

How can it be I feel so useless half the time, but when I take a step back I'm usually frustrated at the less-than productive pace of others? 

I know that life-long employment under one employer is now mostly myth and legend, so I need to get that out of my head, but I do need to figure out what to do, and how best to do it.

Right now I'm working here, I have money coming in, and I'll only leave for something better in salary and working conditions, or in a better environment or proximity to my home. Looking through job postings is difficult and discouraging. Seeing minimum-wage postings makes me wonder about how it is a person lives off of that. I can barely survive off of my salary. 

I'm also conscious of the criticism of millennials, that they expect instant recognition and aren't willing to work for it. Though I'm in my 30's, I seem to be grouped in with kids 15 years younger than me. 

It's difficult to think about what I want, while also thinking about what it is that is.

What does 2020 look like? 

Are people buying houses? Is there a housing bubble in Canada right now? It seems a bad time to buy, since most houses are over-inflated / not worth what's being asked. I don't want to sign a contract for a car, for a cell phone for anything, my money isn't set, I can't commit to payments.

phone monkey cell phone office monkey baboon

I'm just in a little bit of a spiral right now. 

Do you have career advice for me? Money advice?

Some money you'd like to give me?

An old country house I can go hide in?

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