Monday, September 19, 2016

Every day.

This week at work I'm replacing the receptionist, who is on vacation. This means I don't have access to any of my marketing programs (the design stuff) and I'm mainly answering the phone and receiving mail.

This also means I have more "free time" - since the majority of my work day is me being at the reception, available.

Jason Clarke art animated loop cartoon

I've been in a bit of a fog lately. My brain has been slow, and I'm just being, I guess.

I need to be more vigilant about the thoughts I feel warrant being put to paper/screen. I'm often lost in thought, but I don't take the time to write down a certain turn of phrase of idea. I let it go.

I get lost in myself a lot these days. I fall down a rabbit hole, wondering what and why.

I'm trying to live my life daily, and it's been difficult. The fact is, I may never get a decent job. Never have a good schedule or a comfortable salary. I will always struggle with my attention span, with my memory. I keep telling myself that a better job situation will change everything. And though it would, in allowing me certain lenience, it also couldn't.

I've got this terrible habit of putting my life on hold. It's deeply ingrained in me.

It's common among the fat, from what I hear. I'll go on a trip once I lose some weight. It'll be different once I lose some weight. I wouldn't feel this way, if I wasn't fat.

So there's that side of it, yes, but I think it's also a result of compartmentalizing how to get through life. It's difficult for me to think long-term because I find it painful. Parts of me, the parts of me that staggered into adulthood did so through just letting time pass. I got by. I took things one step at a time, and then I was 30. I tried to access help and support and some bits worked and some did not. And over time I met some people and learned a certain kind of language and some basic skills and I got enough in me to continue to get by.

And yes, part of my life will always be about getting by. But on good days, I'll have the chance for things to be about more than that.

Right now, these days, my struggle is work. It's what to do, and where, and for how much. A work-life is 40 hours of your week. It's significant and I'm struggling with what I should be doing.

Right now I'm working a 37.5 work week as a "marketing assistant." I was hired as a graphic designer and through a series of colleague lay-offs and quits, I'm taking on administrative work and grossly under-used and under-stimulated. I am not doing any creative work.

These days, I am contented at finding a job that's stable, and leaving the creative work to my evenings and weekends. It'll be Etsy and writing, as long as I have a 9 to 5 that can pay for me to live my life.

Jason Clarke work desk job loop cartoon

I'm not doing that right now. I feel stunted by living with my mother, paying my half-rent and saving up while I can. The saving is eternal. Coins meant to fill a jug. The rattling of it all, a drop in a bucket.

It's long. Saving. Working. Working on myself. None of it has been quick or easy. So in the meantime, what I have is this meantime. It's the everyday. So if all I have are these days, then all I have are the choices I make within these days.

What is it that I spend my time doing?

Who are the people I make a point of seeing?

It's part of why I started volunteering at the dog shelter / animal refuge. If volunteering is part of my values, I need to live that, or else it isn't a value of mine, it's just something I talk about.

And if that principal can be applied to all things - what should I be spending my days doing?

How do I extend that practice? The practice of living my values.

Jason Clarke nervous worry animation loop

I feel successful with the volunteer work. And I feel successful when I am able to prioritize and accomplish things for myself. Yesterday I did some meal prep. I made healthy lunches, and I made a healthy vegetarian lasagna. It's taking care of myself. It's helpful. I know what I'm eating. I'm eating in line with my values (vegetarian, clean) and I feel pro-active in regards to my health.

There's always a shadow of guilt though. Of not doing enough. And it's difficult to rid myself of that impulse.

I know my next challenge is a physical one. I know physical activity and exercise are my next steps. My goal is to become more physical. To stretch. To work my heart. To be able to purge certain kinds of energy and to sweat out toxins. To court the calm that comes with exhaustion. Something I haven't felt in a very long time.

It's difficult. The every day. How is it a moment can seem so eternally long, and yet so painfully short? How is it my mind can wander so much? How can I truly harness the powers of my faulty brain. Some parts don't work all that great, but surely, some do. Maybe ability to concentrate isn't great, but my empathy is strong. My sensitivity is strong. My dreams are wild. What does that make of me and my brain? Of my potential?

I find myself rooted by the knowledge that there is such a thing as neuroplasticity, and that there is such science that says trauma and habit form pathways that become ingrained so that the brain becomes incapable of taking other paths. These are things I can logically know. But then what? How do I apply this knowledge to my life?

Jason Clarke nervous transparent cartoon monday

So the times that I remember things I don't want to remember, and they call up in me feelings of shame and guilt, or rejection or embarrassment, how do I respond in a way that challenges those set pathways, those painful roads.

How can a decade of self-harm be quelled?

That's where I am right now. I'm in the every day of it. I find it hazy with familiarity. It seems redundant. Here. Again. Always. It's always the struggle of being here, now.

It's difficult to follow my thoughts when things are muddled, and it's harder to focus when that muscle has atrophied.

Sometimes it seems so easy. Just keep it simple. Minimize. Breathe. Sleep. Take it easy.

Other times, I am astonished it isn't more common for a person to lose their fucking minds.

Jason Clarke no no no no cranky old man

I think we do. I think we lose is periodically and in moments and then a sensation or familiarity brings us back to wherever it is we are and we're distracted from that insanity. It's the familiar that comforts us, even if that known thing is objectively sick in itself.

Is all this neurosis based in the apathy of privilege? Of access? Of excess?

I make these lists of things I should be doing to be okay. Is that a trap? I'm not okay, and it's my fault. Is anybody okay? Surely, some must be. Or else how would the world work? How would it keep going? There are investments made by those who are invested in it all.

I float too far from my own life.

Sometimes it's just so absurd. Then it's so simple, and beautiful and sweet. Then it hurts so much, my hair, my eyes, my bones. How is it I can feel everything and then feel nothing?

How can I live in this world?

How can I best imitate those who do?

Jason Clarke fart cartoon weird butt

This is my gobbledygook. It's nearly incessant.

All of today's GIFs by Jason Clarke.

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