Thursday, June 4, 2015

The worries of a clear day.

Today isn't a bad day. Today is close to a good day. Work is quiet, so I'm able to doodle and write.

The last two evenings I've taken a walk after dinner. Maybe that helped. I get fresh air. I giggle at neighbourhood cats and walk-by dog friends. Maybe it helps clear my head. It’s a start.

Lately, all I can think about is money. It seems my financials aren't lining up as quickly as I would have liked them to. Though I have a small down payment now, it will take a few more months for me to get a better one. I guess moving out and getting my own place this fall is becoming less and less of a possibility.

According to my brother, years ago he signed up for some kind of special promotional credit card that put money away for later use as a down payment. He used some of it, but was limited in how much he could use, so there’s some left over money in that account. He told my mom he thought he could transfer that amount to me. My mother told me this. I said I wouldn't get my hopes up, but it’s hard not to. It would be nice to have a hand, no matter how little the sum. It seems to be a problem though, so I don’t think it’ll work out. I’d have preferred my mother not tell me about it.

It’s hard not to compare myself to the friends in my life who make more money, and who also have received financial help or gifts from their parents. Not all of them have, but most have.

I'm not making great money. I'm still living pay-check to pay-check. How can that be? Granted, I go out. I get manicures. I purchase clothing. But I work in a design office, I can’t give up entirely on my look. I have to look clean and presentable. I could be careful with my money. I could pinch a penny here and there.

I have few vices, food has always been an issue for me. First due to the eating disorder, and then transitionally, as a coping mechanism and soothing tool. Such fun. I get to think about it, daily for the rest of my life. Fun fun fun.

I'm really caught up thinking about whether I should just move out, to move out. To just start living my life. I could get something on the cheaper side / shittier end, and just fucking live my life. Alternatively, I think maybe it would be wiser to just wait, save up a bit more and then get something I really love.

I contacted the mortgage broker recommended by a real estate agent I spoke with. He’s with my bank, so I guess that’s handy. Who knows really. I don’t know shit about this stuff. I'm just trying my best to learn.

I'm just worried about ending up in a depressing space, feeling sorry for myself (for the rest of my god-damn life).

I'm also worried about over-committing myself financially, and having to deal with that anxiety. Especially since I have ongoing worries and stress about my having the ability to take care of myself. I like having an exit strategy. As time goes on, and responsibilities pile up, that becomes increasingly more difficult.

It’s a lot. I know it’s normal and even mundane for some regular members of society, but for me, it’s, well, it’s all on me

I guess the first step is seeing how much I can afford. The bank will let me know what they’d be comfortable lending me, and I have to think about what the means when it comes to what I can access and whether or not that’s too difficult to maintain.

The beautiful weather makes everything seem a lot sunnier than it usually is. That also worries me.

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