Monday, June 22, 2015

so sad today.

I started following so sad today on Twitter:

From what I can tell so far, so sad writes a column for Vice, but I can't find very much written by her. I find it interesting how many of the @ replies sent to her are just shaming or shitty. A lot of people don't get it.

Anyway, I'm going to message her this blog post just to say to her, I fucking get it. 

I've often had entire worlds of inner-dialogue about how logical depression is. How feelings of hopelessness and cynicism are totally warranted and can be easily argued for. I guess the distinction is how much depression is internalized and becomes an inner narration of self-loathing or an absolute rejection of life.

Some folks can be cynical and angry and live their lives. But with me, it becomes such an overwhelming view of the world it incapacitates me.

What's the point?

I often have so much fucking trouble answering that question.

On a good day I'll be all: "Whatever, you're here while you're here take a walk, pet a dog, giggle while drinking coffee." Life is still absurd, I'm just able to laugh at it.

Being depressed is being so god damn sensitive to everything. Everything. Are those who aren't depressed or anxious just those who are better at being a little more self-serving and ambitious?

Is that the difference?

Even when I read the science behind depression as a mental illness - there's just so much that's a god-damn question mark.

Ugh. Who fucking knows. . .

As time goes by more and more people seem to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It's the new normal. Maybe the insane are those who still look at the world and think it's all for them, and everything is possible if you work hard and believe, as if the privilege of opportunity doesn't exist.

So yeah, so sad today, maybe you have to be insane to be depressed. Maybe being depressed is a perfectly reasonable reaction to being in this life... We still don't want it though. It still fucking hurts. We can still feel the difference between a good day and a bad day. If those bad days are a fog of depression, what are the good days? Are those the days on which we're insane? Is it proof of our insanity that we prefer that delusion?

What does any of it mean, if anything.

One day at a time, until the day ends.

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