Monday, October 31, 2016

The typo.

It’s been a series of not-so-great days, so there’s been a hesitance to sit down and re-hash it all.

Basically last week we had a presentation to a client, on which there was a typo. The typo was of the client’s name, which, needless to say, would have been very embarrassing to the presenters (one of which was my boss).

The next day, he nonchalantly asked me to come into his office and asked what happened, I said something along the lines of how it sucked and typos happen. He got irritated and I stayed calm and didn’t really know what to say to him. He seemed increasingly agitated.

A few hours later I got an e-mail addressed to myself and my supervisor, where my boss outlined how irritated (now angry) he was, and how I didn’t take responsibility for the typo. He said I was ducking responsibility and it was the result of my neglect. It was a shit day.

I ended up spiralling that night. It went to losing a job, to looking for a job, to requiring as little to function as possible since I’m so useless, which means minimum wage, which means factory, which means hard on me, and depression, and not able to live in comfort and kill myself, and the worst and then never having any time to myself, and my health is the worst, and shit jobs, and shit pay, and can’t get a job, and so on. It gets real dark real fast, and it's painful and panic inducing.

The next way when I met with my supervisor he said he also got “scolded,” and that we’d come up with a way to try and lessen typos and have a “official sign-off” process for document printing. He and I were more of the same understanding, that typos happen, that both he and other signed-off on the document, and it was embarrassing for everyone. I do not necessarily trust that he represented this as his opinion to my boss though, he probably threw me under the bus. I don't trust him.

By the end of the day I had a stress headache / brain fog.

Friday I just laid low and kept my head down. Now today, Monday, the same.

This weekend I spent some time with S, we watched a bad movie and spent some time together, we’re both pretty depressed these days, so it’s a little comfort. We were able to talk about what happened, and what it triggered in me. Not being able to take care of myself, and always expecting the worst is big with me.

Sunday I had the dogs/volunteering, then I fell asleep in a chair (lol) then I did a few things and went to bed.

Today is Halloween (I saw a guy on the subway with a sword before I had to think about it).

I’m tired and sore. This depressive episode has gotten into my bones.

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