Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Standing in a water fountain.

Yesterday was a bad day. I ended up leaving work around 2 pm, I was confused, disoriented and just really hurting.

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I ended up walking to the Place-des-Arts fountains. I sat and watched them. I read. I walked in them. It rained yesterday morning, so I was already wearing rain boots. I would have liked to do it barefoot, but it was cold out. I wanted to be in a warm bath. I wanted to float in warmth. I wanted to hear nothing. I wanted to close my eyes.


I was completely overrun. Everything was so noisy. I was completely lost within myself. I can't be expected to engage anyone, to communicate, to be seen. Eye contact becomes difficult. I find myself looking at my feet, in seeming permanence. 

I eventually made my way home. I avoided my mother and said I wasn't feeling well. I went into my room, undressed, and crawled into bed. I then did my best to burrito myself. Or I guess tuck myself in. I wanted to feel swaddled. 


I just googled "blanket burrito" - turns out this is a thing. Some of these images were from a google image search and I can't seem to find the illustrators.



There's also a lot of great ones of swaddled dogs. I encourage you to discover that yourself.

Anyway, I ended up sleeping most of the night, and getting up to eat a bagel and take my medication. 

Today is better, but I'm tired and feel weak. 

Adventures in major depression! Like rolling down a dump-covered hill and then attempting to walk straight through a crowd, whilst trying to convince yourself you don't smell like fucking shit.

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