Sunday, April 3, 2016

Not all here.

Last week wasn't good. Thursday I had my work review, and it was what I expected. Uninspired, and it just brought up a lot for me.

First, I feel like shit anyway. I feel useless and of little value these days, so having people talk on how I'm under-used and how I might have to "find stuff to do to keep busy" just made it worse. I know there are weeks I don't do much, but work-flow isn't my problem. I know I'm under-used. I know I'm over-qualified. I know I am not motivated. Things have been difficult lately. I mean, who am I kidding, things have been rough forever, I've only ever known them to be rough and they'll always be rough, but things seemed to be getting better, then my mom's amnesia, then vertigo, now bell's palsy.

I get these pockets of perspective where I feel things are possible and things aren't that bad, and it's all outlook, but then I just drown in, in me.

It was just a lot of information, and a lot of feelings, and a lot of things that just tugged up other things.

I got home Thursday totally over-whelmed and just, despondent.

Thursday night I was - not here. I was gone. Checked out. Unable.

I canceled all plans and spent this last weekend in the eastern township's at my brother's house.

I did little. I slept. I rested. I applied heat to my face. I spent time with the dog and the kids.

I'm back home, I have work tomorrow.

Tuesday I have an appointment with Dr. Rishi, so I took the day off.

I'm not all here. I drift in and out.

I don't know what to do these days. I feel insecure at work. I don't know if there's a future there for me. I don't know what that means financially. I feel like I might need to start again.

I just get these waves of dread.

I've had these moments of deep thought, and felt the desire to write, to externalize it...

But I'm pulled away from myself. I'm distracted. I move in and out of myself. A gnawing in my gut reminds me I have a body, but I'm barely tethered to it.

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