Thursday, August 4, 2016

What a better job could mean.

You know what I was just thinking to myself? How day-camps and whimsical events geared towards children would be fun for adults too. Like those, "be a zoo keeper for a day" things. I want to go to the zoo and learn about the animals.

Sometimes I have these random thoughts to myself and I think, haha, I'm so cute.

Because I am. Maybe not externally, as I'm a somewhat grown-ass woman, but internally I can be. If I was a cartoon I think I'd be pretty close to Winnie the Pooh, but also Eeyore. So like, some kind of cutesy-depressed mammal.

Things have been quite at work due to it being the 2-week standard construction holidays, and my working in a field adjacent to  the industry. Last week was quite busy, but this week is dead. I spend the entire day yesterday drawing. You can title it illustration because I'm in my 30's but I was fucking colouring all day. For my own amusement, and for an update to my etsy shop.

Things have been odd lately. I've felt myself to be in a loose limbo. I'm currently in a candidacy pool for an entry level job with the federal government. I have been for months. It started with 3 exams, then a phone "interview" exam, and I heard this week that they've been calling my references. The candidacy pool is hiring for two job locations, one of which being where I currently live. It would mean being able to walk to work as opposed to spending two hours a day getting to and from the city. It would also mean a nearly $10,000 increase to my current salary, changing everything for me.

It's a waiting game. For my friend S her candidacy process took over 14 months. I took the exams on May 14th 2016, and was contacted 2 weeks earlier than that. I've been contacted every 2-3 weeks in order to complete an additional step. It seems to be going quickly, but we're not kept abreast of our place in the process, or what position we're being considered for. It's a lot of unknowns. 

I've felt encouraged by it, which is an odd sensation for me. I've been trying to limit my meat consumption, so I've been trying to make healthier food choices. It's been happening quite naturally. I've been thinking more and more about ways to increase my activity level and have felt bursts of energy I haven't felt in a while. A little bit of hope for the future will do that, I suppose.

Sometimes these shifts happen, it doesn't take much, but I get this view of how things could be different for me and it just shakes me up.

I keep dreaming I'm married. Not only married but in love / loved and it's just really unexpected and alien. It's also nice. I feel comforted and cared for and wanted.

I'm reading Brené Brown's Rising Strong, and although some of the language bugs me, she does talk a lot about how much people often don't feel good enough, or don't feel valued or wanted. I think that's a fair assessment for me. Especially with the opposite sex / romantically. I have a lot of trouble understanding someone liking me, being attracted to me, or falling in love with me.

The trauma created by rejection and humiliation, by shame and pain can be lasting. Untangling that, is a lot of work. And in the case of a partnership, I'd need a willing partner, and that's difficult to imagine, and even to comprehend.

It hits me at night mainly, when I'm alone in bed. That's where I want the companionship most. In the quiet. In comfort. 

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