Sunday, May 8, 2016

Don't do that.

Friday morning I was predictably masochistic and checked out a bunch of facebook accounts of people I'm not longer friend with (but we still have common friends). It made me feel so shitty. I got up feeling fucking weird, and had a lot of shame about my life, and where I'm at now (on paper: living with my mom, being broke, being overweight) and I was just going to spiral.

I made my way into the city, and while I was making my coffee at work I started thinking about why I wasn't friends with these people, and if I did, indeed, want to re-establish this links, and if I missed them, and if so, why. I had a conversation with myself.

I miss the lightheartedness of that time of my life, and maybe the ignorance of it. It was pre-everything. I think the roots and "warning signs" of my anxiety and depression were indeed there, but they had not taken over yet, and there was still the energy of my youth, the prospects of the future, and a lot of unknowns.

I think I do hold a lot of shame and a lot of guilt about my body, and about my 20's.

I'm friends with great people now. My friends are totally different. They're supportive. They're empathetic. They're wildly smart. Things are different now, and I played an active role in that, and sometimes I forget that.

I'd been in a weird shitty funk this week. I've been stressed about the stability of my income / job and have been looking for something else. But, the economy is sketchy, the job market is quiet and overall jobs are just shit. Unless you're an engineer or in tech or finance finding a stable job is just the dumps.

I ended up feeling pretty shitty Thursday night, I was wishing I was dead, and just feeling useless. I often feel like I can't take care of myself, and can not depend on myself in a real way. I'm a bad depressive episode away from homelessness, at all times. That's my main fear.

I ended up e-mailing with a friend, who also has been struggling (though with different things) and this is part of that exchange:

Hey bud,
I wanted to reach out and kind of quasi-apologise. I've been in a weird funk for a few weeks now, and it's been getting worse.
I feel like you've been going through a lot too, and I feel like I always put my foot in my mouth and say dumb things. 
I'm also super sensitive right now, and thus paranoid and anxious.  
Sometimes I'm just so self-conscious about it all that it's difficult to understand what other people see in me. I'm the one who lives in my head, so I envy those who get an edited version of everything that goes on in there.
I hope if ever there is something, you'd mention it to me.
Aw buddy! I know how that feels - I have the same kind of self conscious thing with anxiety where I always feel like I said the wrong thing or whatever.  
Anyways - everything is fine! With us I mean. My personal life is another matter. No worries! I love ya and you are a great friend! ❤ 
lol - "my personal life is another matter" is how I feel right now. 
This morning a friend linked to a bunch of old friends of mine on Facebook and it brought up a ton of garbage emotions. Mainly shame and guilt and just self-loathing. I'm trying to be positive but I have this feeling like I want to cry so badly, like a good sob, but it's all caught in my arteries. Is that a crazy feeling?  
Like - this is a weird fucking thing to say, but I was always kind of jealous of L's depression/anxiety cause she can cry. From the outside, it looks cathartic. For me, it all internalized into these weird sensations, but there's no release. I wish I could cry it out, you know? 
You're so great I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. 


I mean, it's nothing magical. But it is kind, and supportive, and understanding. And yah, it isn't perfect, I re-read what I wrote and to me I hear a frantic undertone, which is difficult.

Thursday I was bugging out. 

I was just out of it - I felt like I checked out. I felt like I needed to be in a padded room. I'd been having a few days of brain zapping - something that apparently happens when you forget to take your meds. Though, I have been taking my meds. I was feeling dissociative and "floaty" and having trouble focusing or paying attention. If I turned around too quickly I felt wobbly/not-solid and kind of like I might walk into a doorframe or wall as I walked past them. I kept "hearing" brain zaps in my inner ear/head and it was just not pleasant. It's very difficult to explain. 

I'm feeling better, I've been sleeping and today I'm at home catching up and stuff, and I have to do my 24-hour urines test to track my cortisol levels. 

I wanted to write about it on Thursday and Friday, but I was having a  lot of trouble concentrating and had to keep the focus I had to get through the work day. 

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