Thursday, February 25, 2016

The Process Of Getting Better Can Really Suck.

Turns out today is a Katie Klabusich day.

I had put aside The Process Of Getting Better Can Really Suck by Katie Klabusich because I knew I wanted to give it my full attention.

I just really relate to much of Katie's experience:
The reason is simple: I will fucking lose it if I don’t acknowledge out loud that some things inherently suck. Figuring out what kind of care you need, accessing said care, and getting that care is exhausting. And at the point of getting care, you are literally just getting started. Yes, there’s some relief at having survived the no-help-available portion of the ordeal, but you haven’t actually started unpacking or treating anything yet. And, well, that sucks. 
And in fact, many things about the process of getting to where I am right now—seeking second-line treatment 17 months after beginning a care plan—sucked quite a bit.
I mean, isn't what this blog has been about? Sure, it's been an exercise in writing, and in combating my internalised nature, but it's also been about the frustration of it. How many doctors have I seen? How many free services have I tried to access? How many of those experiences were total shit shows?

Before having a family doctor, I had to tell my story, over and over again. New doctors. New therapists. New counsellors. Some eager to help. Most over-worked and seemingly zoned-out. It seems like writing it out seemed like a helpful exercise if not a logical tool. I'm not the greatest when it comes to memory. I don't remember most of my 20's. If that's continues to be my case, at least I'll have some kind of written record.

It can be easily forgotten, all of the work I've done. All I have to do is click on the access label and I'm quickly wincing/remembering it all.

Lately, a lot of my worry has been around work, money, job stability and my lack of ambition. She touches on that too, since working to live also means asking yourself if you can afford the downtime, or the therapy, or that possibly helpful class or workshop. How about rent? Groceries? A fucking bus pass?

Yes, things have been better. My medication is better. I have a family doctor.

I am however, still living pay-check to pay-check, and do not have a therapist.

It is so much work, it is exhausting, and it does really fucking suck sometimes. There's power in allowing yourself to say that out loud, and also allowing those you know who are in pain to say it too. 

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