Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Human of New York (with depression).

I’m trying to come back to work after a period of depression. I’ve battled it off-and-on my whole life, but two years ago the wheels just completely came off. I’d just had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with my friends, and I went to sleep in a good mood, but then the next day I couldn’t get out of bed. I was still in bed four days later when my boss started calling. The next two years were a battle. I lost my job. I was hospitalized three times. I filled a giant binder with information about depression, where to find programs, and how to appeal your insurance company. I felt like I was fighting for my life. I’d call a hospital that specialized in a certain type of therapy, and they’d tell me they didn’t take my insurance. I’d say: ‘Please help me. I’m dying.’
Because this isn't a Tumblr blog I can't re-post this easily, but I really wanted to link to this. If you're not familiar with Humans of New York, head to the website as soon as you have some free time, it's a beautiful project.

This was a brutal read for me. So much of what this person is describing speaks to a lot of the fear I'm living with these days. I struggle everyday, but  my energy has been getting worse.

Will I just stay in bed one day? Will I lose my job? How will I support myself? I keep trying to access services, and I keep coming up empty handed. I also feel like I'm fighting for my life, but on some days I can really feel the fight draining from me, and that's terrifying. 

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